In Life.

Sometimes in life you don't get the things that you think you deserve. Like the guy that you have liked for almost a year now or an endless bank account over flowing with money. And sometimes you allow yourself to sit and pout. You allow yourself to get caught in the things that really don't matter. I do that, and for some reason I continue to do it. Things in life aren't fair, and God has His reasons. And the one thing that I struggle with is that God is allowed to put you through struggles, put you through the lowest lows... The one thing that I have to remember is that he doesn't do it because he's melicous or because he wants a good laugh. There's lessons to be learned. He's giving you the reasons to lean on Him. To turst in Him.

I know that my plan is all figured out... Where I am going to be in 10 minutes, and the months and months I have left to live are all figured out. The perfect man for me... the chance to be a great mother... Or perhaps none of that. I don't know and I will learn to be happy with whatever Christ gives me. The most important thing is that I continue to be happy in Him. Not in worldly things. Not in the things that won't mean anything.

I need to be able to lean on God. . . . all the time. . . . I need to do better at studying His word. And at loving HIM and everyone else.

Something New.

Christmas is only a few short days away and I am not ready. I still have tons on my list to do. Tons of treats to be made, and presents to be wrapped. I haven't had much time here lately with basketball 24/7. Well thats what it seems like anyway. I am enjoying every minute of it though. Anyway back to Christmas and what its really about. I used to be one of the selfish children. The one who would get mad if they didn't get exactly what she wanted. The one who would pout because her brother got more gifts. And honestly it wasn't until I had a job that I learned what Christmas was all about (or atleast I thought I did). Giving. Not getting. Which is a vast improvement from my younger years. I enjoy giving. Giving and giving.

I believe this is the first year that I look at Christmas totally different. Christmas isn't about Santa. Reindeers. Or elves. Its about the birth of Jesus Christ. The birth of the man who died for my sins. This is the first year that I will be more then thankful for that. The first Christmas that things have been a little different. Christmas for me has a different meaning. And I honestly feel that Christmas has a different meaning for my family.

As we were walking out of Costco yesterday... the lady at the door said "Have a great Christmas" and I looked at my Mom and said, "What if you don't celebrate Christmas?" Her reply, "To Bad..." And as we walked over to the car I leaned over to my littlest sister and said "I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ..." My Mom must have heard me because she turned around and said "That's right." If that doesn't make you happy then I honestly don't know what will. My family might not attend church, they might not read the bible as frequently as I do, but I know they have a special place in their hearts for Christ. Each and every day God shows me a little more. He gives me that glimmer of hope. He tells me not to give up on them. And I won't. I can't.

This years Christmas is going to feel different for sure. Yesterday my littlest sister and I were in Shopko and we were walking around, and we walked passed these flannel jackets. Flannel jackets remind me of my Papa. We would get him a new one almost every year. I stopped to touch them, and I for some reason smelt my Papa. . . . I smelt his musky smell. . . . The smell didn't linger it was there and then it was gone. This year will be hard. This year will be the toughest. I miss him so much.

For some reason at the right time my 3 year old nephew reminds me what its like to love someone or something so much... He was over visiting on Sunday and he told me "When you love somebody, they are in your heart forever." Now this isn't the first time he has said something that has brought on instant tears... but I will save that one for a blog of its own.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS!

Winter.

Snow and I aren't friends. We never have been and I am pretty sure we never will be. I never enjoyed playing in the snow when I was a kid. We would get pulled by a tracor on entertubes... I would sit with my uncle in the cab of the tractor, and he would ask me every so often if I was ready to ride. My answer would always be no. I never wanted to go sledding. I love to look at snow, and drink Hot Chocolate. I don't like to be cold. I don't like to be bundled, and I hate wearing socks. And now as an adult I would have to say that I am so thankful for 4 wheel dirve. Its almost safe to say I hate winter. Spring is my season. I can't wait until the flowers start blooming and the sun shines all day.

Tied Together.

About a week ago I got a call from my best friend. It was late (her time), so I figured it was something important. And its crazy because what she called about was exactly how I had been feeling. Its crazy that we can go through the same ups and downs, and be thousands of miles apart. I find it odd that we could be thinking about eachother at the exact same moment too. Like this morning I was thinking about her while I was driving to work, wishing that I could talk to her, and what is she doing thinking the exact same thing. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Life is great when you have someone that you can trust. I know that God placed Carrie in my life a long time ago, but I never really realized how important she was to me until she moved away. I just think that our friendship has got a tighter bond now.

I remember her moving like it was yesterday. We woke up really early to head to Seattle so she could get on a plan to fly to DC. I just remember standing in our room, now only with my stuff, and a box of Carrie's winter things... I was looking out the window trying to hold back my tears. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was upset because my best friend was leaving me. I got my crying under control and walked out to the car where Carrie was waiting for me. I think there was about 3 times I was broke down without anyone noticing. I remember I told Carrie, that she could make new friends, just not a new best friend. I told her not to try and replace me. After picking up Nancy, and heading to Costco for a last minute laptop purchase, we were headed to the airport. I felt like my heart was being ripped out as Carrie walked through the security check point. I knew I would see her again. I just knew at very moment are lives weren't going to be on the same paths anymore. Carrie was off to the big city, and I was staying in our comfort zone. I knew at that moment I wanted to do bigger and better things. I want to make changes. I needed to make changes. Even though I was so sad Carrie was moving. I am glad she did. She made me realize I wanted to make changes to. She gave me the little push I needed to decide I was going back to school.

I cried for about 15 times on the way home. I am a sappy person... I kept telling Nancy I just don't want Carrie to replace me... Nancy looked at me and said "Kendra, Carrie might make new friends, and good ones... but there's one thing you'll always have that they don't... You knew her then, and they just know her now." And right then I knew no matter how far Carrie moves away from me... we will always be best friends. We will always depend on eachother regardless of distance. She will always be my go to girl. I will always love her like a sister. She has done things for me that I will be forever greatful for. Our bond is unbreakable.

Lately I have really missed her. Christmas is fast approaching. And I honestly cannot wait! Hurry home C!

Here we go.

Well I am at work... planned on listening to Pandora like always... Well I only have 5 hours of play time left this month, and 8 hours of work left for the week... so K-Love it is...








As I am sitting at my desk, with all my work done for the day... (I only work 4 hours a day and I have been here for an hour) Sitting and thinking about everything going on in my life. Everything. From the good to the bad. Thinking about taking my sisters to the cornmaze tonight... Should be fun! I always enjoy the time I have with my littles.



Missing Carrie for sure. I really wish she was here. I would love to sit at Northtown and talk about nothing. Just sitting with Carrie would be enough. Laughing with Carrie would be enough. Well just being in the presence of my best friend would be enough. She's doing great, and I am so happy for her... but secretly... I was hoping she'd want to come home. I am glad she doesn't though... I am proud of her... so so very proud of her. Just proves that God will take care of you. He has surely proved that here.



My eyes have been bugging me lately... I think its time for glasses... and not just readers. Actual glasses... We'll see... last time I went to the eye doctor my vision was more then perfect. I was just told to stop reading so much. I miss reading so much. Maybe I should start reading again. I for sure have enough time.



Basketball starts in 3 short weeks. Meetings start next week.

Music: My Love. My Life.

A Playlist of My Life
(Written 2/28/10 at 9:57pm)

Music. In the car. In the shower. iPod. CDs. Radio. Pandora. While I am writing this blog. I surround myself with music. It calms me. Makes me smile. I am constantly putting on concerts when noone is watching. Music allows me to go where I want. Feel what I want. Every song is my favorite. My life is one giant playlist. I have a song for every thought. A song that would fit with any major or minor event in my life. I love music. Every one of my friends has a song. I put music to my heartbreaks, and to my happiest of memories.

As I was driving back from Spokane today I was listening to Kellie Pickler. Just myself, the road, and Kellie. It was the first time I had listened to her whole CD. So many songs fit my life. So many of her songs made me go "hmm... I have been there." Its weird when you can relate to everyone of her songs. I could put them all with a moment in my life. This time was different though. I didn't put on a concert. I just listened. Listened to every word. Heard every word. I love music that makes me think.I have decided to make a list. A list of recent songs that can be put to my life. And a little explination of why I have chose that song for that particular moment. I am not going to go back to far... just far enough...

I'm your Woman by Kellie Pickler... to the guy who hasn't quite realized why I am in his life.

Need You Now by Lady Antebellum... everytime I have ever texted or called someone when I knew I shouldn't have.

In Color by Jimmy Johnson... Just reminds me of my Grandparents. They are amazing people with great stories. Stories I could listen to over and over.

Sleeping with a broken heart by Alicia Keys... Recently I was sleeping with a broken heart... and I played this song over and over and over... It really only made things worse...

Ignition Remix by R Kelly... Junior year reminds me of joy riding with Lila and Megan.

Butterfly by Mariah Carey... Broke up with a boyfriend on Valentines Day... Then decided that I wanted him back. (haha I can't believe I am admitting this)

Anything to do with Pride and Prejudice... Carrie. My best friend ever. Makes me smile.

Present Date

I read this back and all I could think of was wow... Kellie Pickler... for sure there had to of been someone better I could have listened to... but then there must have been something about her music that stuck out to me... Jumping back today. I think I would have to go with Francesca Battistelli... Her CD Paper Heart has to be my all time favorite... I could pretty much put everyone of her songs to something that has been happening in my life...

Time in Between... Seriously this songs reminds me to remember what Jesus has done for me. It reminds me not just about how He died for my sins, but what he did in btween.

Someday Soon... Now this song would be for my future love... Hopefully one day I can play it for him and he won't think I am crazy...haha

Then I would say lets give a more updated play list of my life to date!

Revelation Song (by whoever, I love it regardless)... reminds me of Church, and everytime we sing it... I get this big ol' smile on my face, normally I look over at Debbie and give her that same big ol' smile! I get a little giddy inside when I sing it!

Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood... makes me think of the countless times Carrie and I would sing "man hater songs" at the Stoney! And now that Carrie has moved all the way acrossed the country it means a little more to me when I hear it or Gunpowder and Lead by Miranda Lambert... or Taylor Swift...

Hometown Glory by Adele... I could play this song on repeat for the rest of my life and not get tired of it... Makes me think about my little hometown!

Not Ready to Make Nice by The Dixie Chicks... this goes out to the last jerk who made me sad!

If I Die Young by The Band Perry... makes me think of what would happen if I died young... would people remember me?

Starry Night by Chris August.. continues to be my go to song when I need a little pick me up!

And anything that Praises God! I find myself listening to worship music most of the time!

Anything Lady Antebellum... reminds me of the amazing concert I went to with my Best Friends! Getting yelled at to sit down... priceless!



I love music so much that when my sisters and I "Play" a game... If a song comes on the radio that we love one of us will say "let's play"... then music gets turned up and the windows all get rolled down... and we sing as loud as possible! Definitely something I hope we will continue to do!

My music has helped me get through the roughest of times, the happiest of times... and the times when theres nothing else to do, but have a good jam session... :)

Stolen Idea. (don't judge me)

I stole this idea from my friend Neil. Sorry Neil!

Sometimes I laugh at my own jokes.

Sometimes I wish you were here.

Sometimes I try to hard.

Sometimes I get jealous.

Sometimes I feel like I am a walking mustard seed.

Sometimes I wear mismatched socks.

Sometimes I wish I was a kid again.

Sometimes I want you to call.

Sometimes I just need a hug.

Sometimes I get nervous.

Sometimes I forget what I wanted to tell you.

Sometimes I read my bible and pray.

Sometimes I am in awe of your abilities.

Sometimes I really wish you would notice me.

Sometimes I paint my ring finger a different color from the rest of my fingers.

Sometimes I count just because.

Sometimes I imagine what I would be like if I was from the south.

Sometimes I wish I had my own TV show.

Sometimes I steal other peoples ideas.

Sometimes I don't want to get out of my pjs.

Sometimes I find you amazing.

Sometimes I crave beef jerky and orange juice.

Sometimes I pretend to like something when I don't, just because I like you.

Sometimes I fall down stairs.

Sometimes I sprain both of my ankles.

Sometimes I am to prideful to ask for help.

Sometimes I wish I was a trained ballerina.

Sometimes I wish I still lived in Spokane.

Sometimes I think about how I would react if you asked me out.

Sometimes I imagine how it would be to carefree.

Sometimes I spend time at my Grams house.

Sometimes I don't spend enough time at my Grams house.

Sometimes I am sad.

Sometimes I want to push everything off the shelves at the grocery store.

Sometimes I talk to much.

Sometimes I look at my high school yearbooks.

Sometimes I want to become a runner.

Sometimes I like exactly who I am.

Sometimes I get really frustrated.

Sometimes I neglect those I love most.

Sometimes I am afraid I might get hit by a car.

Sometimes I sit and think.

Sometimes I just sit.

Sometimes I want more tattoos.

Sometimes I hide my feelings from everyone.

Sometimes I don't say enough.

Sometimes I sugarcoat things.

Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I try hard to be a good listener.

Sometimes I just want to be heard.

Sometimes I try to forget about you because its easier that way.

Sometimes I don't want to forget about you.

Sometimes I just want to tell you, but then I remember what you told me.

Sometimes I want to be a rule breaker.

Sometimes I say just what I think you want to hear.

Sometimes I wish you would notice me.

Sometimes I am glad you haven't.

Sometimes I cry.

Sometimes I cry for you.

Sometimes I lose track of time.

Sometimes I have to much time on my hands.

Sometimes I wish hanging out with you would fill my extra time.

Sometimes I get long winded.

Sometimes I say what I need to say without saying what I really wanted to say.

New Friends

Everyday I am reminded of how amazing God is... I am reminded of the person I used to be and the person I am becoming... And boy do I love her... As I was sitting acrossed from my Small Group partner on Monday, I got the feeling I was in the exact right place at the exact right time. God places people in your life at the right moment... Spending the afternoon with Heather was such a great experience... We might have never sat down alone and talked if it wasn't for the 6 week "Six Steps to Encouragement" practical training for small groups. Being able to talk about everything from be becoming a Christian to the struggles we face everyday. Being able to dicuss scripture.... Now thats something that I never thought that I would enjoy (before I became a believer)... We sat and eat chicken salad sandwiches (which was the best chicken salad ever) and grapes... talking and talking... I have to admit I was a bit nervous before I got there... not knowing what to expect... I bit worried that we might not have anything in common... Then I got to thinking and I even chuckled to myself... we have the most important thing in common, and thats God... honestly what more do you need.

I have started to attend a new small group... I have started to meet new people... I have really started to feel at home around my church family... Walking by people who know my name and may even know a little bit about me. I have started to say hi more, and make conversation instead of running out the door after church. Relationships are being built. After Carrie left I felt a bit out of the loop... I didn't have my best friend to rely on... I didn't have my best friend to sit with... I didn't have her to cling to anymore... so it could have went 2 ways... I could have continued to run out of church after it was over or get involved... I chose to get involved... I chose to make it a habit of going to small group... I chose to get involved in Sunday School... I chose to do the best that I could... and look at all the opprtunities that God has placed in front of me... So that I can continue to grow... I can continue to walk the path He has layed before me... I give all my thanks to the Lord...

Learning and Growing

For record I am a girl that forgives, but almost never forgets. I am a girl that has her faults, and most of the time owns up to them... And occasionally I step out of line and say something that I immediately wish I could take back. I am growing and changing everyday, and its hard to leave these shields behind me. I have been working hard on becoming someone that I can be proud of. My whole life has changed and I need to be able to feel comfortable to change with it. I shouldn't be one person around someone and then another around someone else. Its not that I don't love who I have become... its just that I didn't hate the person I once was... Yes there was things about me then, that I wish I could forget and I gladly leave them behind... I guess its just a struggle that I am going to have to go through. And one I will gladly take on.

Shifting gears...

Have I mentioned lately how amazing God is? He continues to show me amazing things each and everyday. He is so giving and so caring... I am sitting at work... and I just got done doing a little bible study homework... And everytime I spend time in the Word I learn something new... and that to me is amazing...

What I was looking for...

(This post was written over about a weeks time)


For a while now I have felt like I needed someone to talk to. Someone who didn't know me well... someone who wouldn't judge. I needed a good Christian women who could help me grow in my love for Christ. I needed someone who knows more then I do. Someone who had loved Jesus for along time. Someone that I could rely on. A mentor of sorts. Someone I could look up to... Well with little searching, I found someone who is exactly that. Tyffany has shown me and taught me things I never thought I needed to learn.



I went over to her house the first day, not thinking that this would be an every week thing, not thinking that she would have a plan. Just to talk. Get some of my feelings out. Well I now look forward to hanging out with her and her amazing family. From our reading and discussing of James. To coloring and playing with the kids. To talking about love and selfworth. To running outside playing Star Wars... Everything about this experience has been so unexpected. I have someone that holds me accoutable, and someone who challenges me to do things I normally wouldn't do. She has given me the push that I have needed.



I set out a while ago on a qwest to further my relationship with the Lord, and there are days where I want to give up and revert back to how I used to be. It was easy... doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted... but really who wants that type of life. Who really wants to be unhappy? Not me. My life has turned into something I could have never imagined... something so special. And I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for the Lord. I believe He is in control of everything.


Sitting outside of Starbucks yesterday having my weekly get together with Tyffany. I realized that God has put me exactly where he wants me. He is using me in some many unlikely ways. So many things to be thankful. He has put a lot on my heart lately. Struggles with boys (yes boys not men)... the best thing is I have really come to realize that God has that perfect Man out there for me... and waiting for him is something that I have become ok with because I know that he will come when God wants him to. The Lord is perparing both of us so that when its time we will be ready! And thats such a great feeling... We talked of family life and studied James Chapter 4, and we both came the realization that we have been meeting for 5 weeks already. 5 weeks have went by so quickly... James 4 talks about not judging people and I found this verse to stick out the most...


"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, one who can save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?" James 4:12 (NIV)


Isn't that so powerful... I do it all the time, but as of late the Lord has really put in on my heart to do a better job at not judging... And I can tell that I have been... I used to think an evil thought and not think twice about it... but now I have a "whoa" moment... a moment where I am like who am I to sit in judgement of that person.. I don't know their story... Would I want someone to pass judgement on me? No...

We have also been studying Ephesians 5... And the first two verse are almost overwhelming...

"Be imitator of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2 (NIV)

Be an imitator of God. Really? Sounds pretty tough, and I think thats the point. If God was like everyone else could you imagine what the world would be like? I am thankful I have someone to look up to. Someone so special that no other man is like... someone that I can try and be like. I have to say that I really am trying to be an imitator of God... and do I mess up, oh yes I do, but do I ask for forgiveness and try again... Yes... I think when you stop trying is when you are going to run into a lot of problems. Try with your whole heart. Give with your whole heart.


I am continuing to seek God with all my heart. Its a never ending journey, but one worth continuing...

Until Their Gone.

You never realize how much someone really means to you until their gone. And it doesn't hit you at first. It might take weeks, months even. I sit here now with a pain in my heart. I miss my Papa. I miss him so badly. I just wish for one second he was here so I can tell him of the new crazy adventure I have planned for my life. Or just to hear him say "I'm just resting my eyes." I miss him chiming in at the right time. I miss his chuckle. I miss the way he looked at my Grandma. I miss a lot about him. Everything.

I haven't been to his grave since his burial. I just can't muster up the courage to go. I tell myself I will. I know he's gone. He's better off where he is. He's not in pain anymore. He's not hurting, but I am. I have been walking around like nothing is wrong. I have been telling myself its better this way. Be strong. Mom needs you. I have been telling myself don't cry in front of Mom, she needs you to be tough. Be the tough girl she raised you to be. My heart hurts. I find comfort in Christ. I know He will provide whatever I need. I just have to be strong enough to ask.

I have a hard time going to my Grandma's... sitting in my Papa's chair. I can see the hurt behind her eyes. I think with time it will get easier for me atleast. I worry about my Grams. It's been a tough 3 1/2 months. Its only been 3 1/2 months. Today was the first day I let myself cry since the day after his funeral. Todays was the first day I let myself really fall apart. I think that's what I needed. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow it will be easier. I trust in my Lord Jesus Christ. My hope is in Him. He will work everything out. He will shield my family from the hurt. He wrapped his arms around us and will continue doing so. I have faith. My faith is strong. My faith is growing and each day that pass I long to do good for Him.

I know my Grandpa is looking down on me with a big Papa grin. That makes me smile! I miss you Papa! I miss you alot! I know Grandma misses you dearly, we all do, and I am going to do a better job at taking care of her because I promised you I would.

Rambling

According to my best friend... days shouldn't be wasted laying on the couch just because I miss her. And you know what... she's right... I shouldn't have wasted today laying around... I should have been up and doing! Well things happen right... Things to make you go hmmm...

I am supposed to be cleaning and rearranging and moving everything in my room... but.. One I think there's a mouse living in my bedroom and thats one of the major reason I haven't moved everything back in there... Two, I really am kind of sad to be living back at home. Definitely going to miss Debbers... Three, it makes everything at little more real. A little more like my life is going in a totally different direction... and am I ready... I surely hope so. There's one major difference though... I have God on my side... Never had that before. And I know he's going to make sure everything falls into place. Yeah there will be bumps along the way... Struggles and hardships, but those are what make me stronger.

On a random note... I am now a blonde. Not literally... well I did fall down 3 stairs and sprain both of my ankles but that was long before I bleached my hair... haha... I love blonde hair! Even though I know that I look better with brown hair. Blondes have more fun right? Not true! My life has been boring, but who's fault is that... MINE!

I went yesterday and tried my bridemaid's dress on for my cousin Amanda's wedding and boy is it a pretty dress, and I am super excited about her wedding! I can't wait, and honestly I can't believe it the wedding is only a month away... Great things are in store for Manda and Valentin!! YAY!!

Its a Battle.

On a day to day basis I struggle with my relationship with God. Everyday I think I might finally have gotten it. I think I am on the right path. I said yesterday being a Christian is hard. It was easier being the way I used to be. It was easier to not have to care. Easier to just do whatever and have no worries. But do I want to live the life I was living... NO... Do I want to be the person I used to be?... NO! I want to be what God has intended me to be. I try hard everyday to do the best I can to Glorify Him. Thats my purpose.

I was driving yesterday and the road led me to Borders. Had I planned on going there no. And as I was walking through the parking lot I was thinking... What am I doing here... And then I was like I guess I just need a good book to read... Well I walked it browsed around and went over to the bibles... I spent the next 45 minutes looking at the bibles. Reading the different versions... Texting a friend asking her what version she has... I really think that God wanted me to spend more time in His Word. Something that I struggle with. So I bought a new bible... and I spent a lot of last night reading... and reading... I even decided that I needed to get a new study bible. I need to make more of an effort. I need to do better, and be better. My life needs to be lived for God. I have to strive to be all I can be for Him.

This is where my constant struggle comes in... Trying to be better for Him. I have always lived for myself. And now with all my heart and my soul, I want to live for Jesus Christ. I am proud to say that I am a Christian. I am proud to say I believe in God. He's my first thought when I am about to do something I know He wouldn't approve of. When I am about to step back into the person I used to be. I will continue to work things out because He's on my side. I will continue to be the best I can be. I love the person I have become and its all because of the Lord. I owe my life to Him. My faith never waivers because I know God to be true. I know as long as I believe I will one day end up home. I am really happy. I am happy because of everything God has provided me. I just need to do better. I need to spend more time in His word.

Hopeful.

I have been running around lately. Going from here and there and then back again. My life is about to change in a major way, and I am ready for it? I don't know. Is it really what I want? I really do think so. For the first time in my life and I am trusting in someone else. Someone with so much power. Someone who would never lead me in the worng direction. God. I say it to myself everyday. "Lead me." And I tell myself everyday that God has my life planned out. My life isn't in my hands. I am the happiest I have ever been and I am my life isn't perfect. There's things that I want that I don't have. And I just have to trust that the Lord will provide. I know He will... I still occasionally have the I want something and I want it now... and I try to make whatever it is happen, and then reality snaps me back into place... My timing isn't perfect, but God's is. And I have to remind myself about that everyday. That's something that I am still getting used to. I really think thats what's been the toughest. And I am working on it.

Papa

Sometimes in life things happen unexpectantly... things you never could have imagined... Other times you have time to prepare yourself for what's about to come. And sometimes you even get to say goodbye. Yesterday I got the chance to say goodbye to my Papa. I got to tell him how much I love him, and how much he means to me... I got the call at 12:05am... it was my Mom and I knew what she was about to say. At first the words she was saying weren't sinking in... And as I hung up the phone everything became more real. My Grandpa is gone, but I will carry the memories we made together forever. He was a strong man, with a huge heart. I already miss him... And nothing will be the same without him... My Papa was a quiet man never saying to much, but always saying enough. I never doubted for a second how much my Papa loved me. Never doubted how much his family meant to him... My heart hurts for my Grams. My Grandparents were married for 62 years. My heart hurts for my Mom. For my Aunts. For my Uncle. For me. For my cousins. I was lucky I got to say goodbye. I will forever be grateful for that final moment. I have been very lucky. Lucky to have had such a great role model. To have so many great memories with such a great man... I will miss you Papa...

Friends.

I have always joked about not having friends. Not having enough friends. But in reality how many friends does one really need? This week I have realized who my true friends are. The ones that I can really lean on. The ones that I can cry with. The one that make you laugh even when you want to cry. The ones that make you forget. The ones that pray for you. Those are the friends that I want. Those are the friends that count. So in reality one doesn't need a ton of friends. Just a few core friends to help you get through the rough times. Just a few that are around regardless of the cost. I am truely blessed in the friends department.

Laughing... one minute.

Crying the next.


Forgetting how to smile... one minute.



Having the biggest smile the next.


True Friends handle the rollercoater of emotions. Sometimes they even come along for the ride.

Yay Me!!

Life changes are happening. I am making changes and doing things I would have been to scared to do a few months ago... I have been living a comfortable life. No worries. Always knowing that everything will be taking care of by my parents.

Well awhile back I decided I was ready to move. Actually the biggest thing was I was ready to find a new job. I started looking 2 weeks ago and whamm bam I found one... And I applied, got a call 20 minutes later, and a interview 2 days later. Talk about meant to be... Well my interview involved me showing off my skills. So of course I turn to my best friend and ask her if I can cut and highlight her hair.... with little hesitation she said yes! (by the way I have wanted to chop Carrie's hair off for a really long time now). Well the day before my interview... I was unexpectedly nervous. Not nervous about not getting the job because I know my skills. I was nervous about getting the job... I told myself if I get this job my life is about to change drastically. I freaked myself out... I might have even had a mini panic attack... I called my best friends and they all said the same thing... take it one day at a time, you first have to get the job before you move. Exactly... get the job, than worry about everything else.

Interview day came and went. I did amazing, and felt that if they didn't hire me it would be there loss. I got a call the next day, they didn't offer me a job, but told me that they were looking for more people like me... She actually said, "you know Kendra... you aren't the average hair dresser and we are looking for more people of your caliber..." Now if that doesn't make you feel great I don't know what will... She said that I would be hearing by the following week.

I hadn't heard anything by Wednesday. And I could tell that it was beginning to effect my mood. I kept trying to be positive. Saying that if this wasn't the job, I would find another one... but I really wanted this one... Thursday came and around 11... I got a call from a number that I didn't recognize... I answered it, and it was the call I had been waiting for... I got the job! I start April 30th. I am super excited!

Now the apartment search can officially begin.... I am excited for that too... I am excited to finally step into the big world with both feet!

Yesterday.

I lay in bed thinking about all the ifs, ands, and buts of life. The ones of my life run through my head. I write them down. I type them out... I ask God about them. Pray for an answer to most of them. I still question myself. Ask myself what can you do to make your life better? Are you doing everything possible? And most of the answers are what I had hoped they would be... I am trying so hard to fix mistakes that I made in the past. Trying to change so that I won't make the same mistakes in the future...


I lay here thinking about God. Thinking about a conversation I had yesterday with two of my new found friends. Talking about baptism. Talking about me wanting to be baptized. Talking about me excepting Jesus Christ as my saviour. It brought a smile to my face, but its did something unexplainable to my heart. Its a feeling I have never felt. Not a weird feeling... a feeling of comfort- of peace. Actually those words don't even explain it... Talking to my friends about Jesus, and telling them things I haven't said yet... Things I have wanted to say. Things I have needed to say. I was waiting for the right time. And they were there ready to listen. I will never forgot yesterday. Yesterday.


I feel like I need to back up a bit. And talk all the stuff leading up to yesterday. I won't go back to far... maybe a few weeks or a month. It all started with my best friend. She asked me to go church with her to hear her sing. That's all it took. One time.... I denied it at first, fought it for a while, but God was reaching for me... Reaching for me with arms wide open. I missed a few Sundays after that... On February 13th... I asked if I could go again. I believe by then I was ready and since that day I haven't wanted to miss another service another chance at working on my relationship with God. Getting to know Jesus Christ. And now I want to know everything.

The weekend before Easter Sunday. I think that's the day I fell in love with Jesus Christ. The day I found a new love for God. A new love for the church. And I grew that much more thankful for my best friend. I cried during the service. I felt like Pastor John was talking right to me... I will never forget the feeling of Holy Spirit at work in me... My life is changing... Never again will I be the same person I was a few short months ago...

Easter Sunday. My first Easter ever at church. Definely something amazing happened. Sunrise Service. Sunday school. Normal 10:30 Service. Except it wasn't. There was something moving in the air... Pastor John message couldn't have been more clear. I understood everything he was asking. Feeling every bit like I belonged. Feeling emotions of pure joy. Crying tears of happiness. Really understanding the Jesus died for my sins. On Easter Sunday everything made a little more sense.

Yesterday, will be a day I won't forget. It was a Monday. And I was really ready to talk. Talk about Jesus Christ. I was ready to share my story. Share my love... Share the hope I have for my future. Talk about the trust I have in God. I was ready to talk about how I don't ever feel alone and lost anymore. I talked about how happy I am now that I know God has a plan for me... And I believe in that plan. So thanks Debbie and Jake. Thank you for opening up your hearts... You both don't know how long I have been wanting to talking about my love for God!

Tables. Tables and chairs. Putting together a table and four chairs. Learning some much while putting together a diningroom table and its four chairs. Saturday happened to be the funiest day. Normally such happiness wouldn't come out of putting together a table and its chairs, but I have to say that it was definetly a learning experience, a growing one at that. I don't think I have ever laughed so hard. Laughed at things that might normally not been so funny. It was the longest Saturday ever, not because it was the most trying or anything of that sort, but because it was so fun. Fun to be around two amazing people with so much to live for.

24

Birthdays. Some people dread them. I embrace them. I love birthday parties. So this year I am having one. A small one. Only close friends and family. A time to celebrate me. I will be 24 this year. And I am excited. To most 24 isn't an exciting birthday, but to me 24 is going to be my best year yet. I always figured I would be married by 24. Have atleast one kid by 24. Definetly not be living at home at 24. Sometimes plans don't work out. I have learned that only one plan matters... His plan. So I have thrown away all my unrealistic plans, and I have decided to really trust in God's plan. To roll with it... It took me almost 24 years to realize this. So thats why 24 is going to be my best year. I am living my life a little differently. Living my life the way it was intended. 24 is something to celebrate.


(I hope I get the bicycle I have been asking for... haha)

Unexpected...

I recieved an email from an old friend last week. A friend that I had since middle school. And since we graduated high school we have talked here and there. It was an email that started out like any other, with the how are you type questions. We had been dicussing doing her hair, (as most of you know I am a hairstylist) and she was trying to step up a date. Well then the email turned into something I would have never expected... It was a pleasant surprise to say the least. Here's what she said:

Also, Kendra...I just wanted to say that I am so happy for you. It sounds like you are truly trying to make a difference in your life. I can relate to all your posts. I often just make myself have a bad day for no reason because I allow myself to have negative thoughts. You have always been such a fun happy person to be around and I just want you to know that you have always brought a smile to my face. I do not think you have a clue how many peoples lives you impact with your giving spirit! You were always the person that took care of everyone's hair before basketball games, dances...etc. I know that is a silly example but it is the truth you always put people before yourself.

It was a great feeling to know that someone noticed my giving heart. Someone that I would have never expected. We went on to chat and I realized that we are both in the same spot in our lives. We are both trying to make a difference, both reaching for the same goals. We are both changing for the better, surrounding ourselves with positive people, and loving our new found selves. I went on the tell her that my only struggle is how to balance my new self with my old self. I don't want people to put me down and call me a fake because I have changed. She went on to tell me that the people I want in my life will except me for who I am, and the ones that don't I probably don't need them in my life anyway. I had never really thought about it like that.

My life has changed, and it will continue to change. I have become someone I have longed to be my whole life. Someone I can be proud of. I have been searching for this girl for a long time. I have a long way to go still, and I am striving to be the best I can be everyday. I am making the changes needed. I am not fighting them. I love myself for the first time in a really long time. I love my whole self not just bits and pieces.

I'll cry for you...

Last night at my Mom's 50th birthday celebration my sister and her family were about to leave. My little newphew Giovanni ran over to give me a kiss and a hug before he left... He looked at me right in the eyes and said "I'll cry for you Kendra!, I'll cry for you!" It about broke my heart... I could see tears welling up in his little eyes. At first I didn't know what to tell him... And then I promised him I would come and visit. I asked him if that would be ok... and all he kept saying was "but I'll cry for you Kendra!" I grabbed him, hugged him again, pulled his hood over his head and told him that I would come over and visit him. He finally agreed and off he went... as he walked away he turned back and said one more "I'll cry for you!" but this time there was no more tears, just a smile, and a promise from his aunt. This whole situation made me think. It made me realize that I don't spend enough time with my nieces and nephews. I have to make time for them. I will make time for them. They are are all so special to me. I go weeks without seeing them. And before I know it they aren't going to want to hangout with their aunt. So from now on I am going to make an effort to see them more. Time is precious.

Understand

I occassionally write poems, some have reasons behind them... most don't. I remember the night I wrote this. I remember sitting on my bed. I was really down, not feeling like I knew what to do next. I remember being angry, and upset. I never felt so alone... I feeling my life was moving, but I was going anywhere.


Understand

As I sit on my bed I begin to cry
Everyday I ask God why?

I ask for my purpose,
I ask for my plan,
I ask if He can just reach out His hand.

I need guidance today.
I need hope for tomorrow.
If I can't have it for keeps,
I'll ask if I can borrow.

Many nights and days go by
Many days I wish I could fly.
So I could fly up and meet you
And ask you face to face why?

Why don't I know my purpose?
Why don't I know my plan?
Why do I feel like you won't reach out your hand?

All this is really hard for me,
But one day I hope to understand.
That this is all in your great big plan.



I now understand. I lacked faith. I lacked trust. I wasn't willing to put in the work. I had no relationship with the Lord. I was traveling through life alone, but now I have God by my side. And I am trying everyday to get closer to Him. So I may not know my exact plan or even my purpose, but I now have faith, trust, and I am willing to put in the work.

Mistakes of A Dumb Girl...

This is a story of a dumb girl. A girl who followed her heart instead of her head. A girl who knew better. A girl who made mistakes with good intentions. Who gave her all. This story is Me.


I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. Plenty of errors. Plenty of oh nos and whoops'. Plenty of shoulda, coulda, wouldas... The list is endless. There are mistakes in my life that I have moved past, forgotten about. There many mistakes that have gone unnoticed by other people. But why do I continue to make the same mistakes when it comes to guys? I allow the hurt and pain. I am a really strong person - on the outside. I have a tough shell. People don't know about my crying late at night because of a mistake that could have been prevented. A mistake that didn't have to happen. No matter what the situation... even if I am right... I still feel like maybe if I had done something different, if I wouldn't have made that one mistake, everything could have worked out. I continuely beat myself up over mistakes. Mistakes that had nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with my actions. My actions were pure and true. I pride myself on the truth. Maybe I am to prideful? I always say if you don't want to know the truth, don't ask me... With me you always know my intentions. I don't want anyone to ever be thrown off like I was. Lead to believe one thing and shown another, but that wasn't my mistake. And I haven't be able to get that through my thick skull. I haven't been able to just realize that my minor mistakes will never out do his major mistakes. My minor mistake was putting all my time and energy into him... Time I won't be able to get back. He made some major mistakes. Ones that he will have to learn to deal with. Ones that hurt me. Ones that made me cry. Ones that made me sick. Sick to my stomach in the worst way. One that he will have to live with. Those were his mistakes and not mine. I have to realize that's what he chose. I have to realize I did what was in my heart, and that was my mistake. I knew this is how it would end. With me on the short end of the stick. Following your heart instead of your head isn't always the best choice. I think sometimes your head is trying to protect your heart.


I made a mistake last night. A huge one at that. I decided to do something I would instantly regret. I contacted the man that hurt my heart. And it was a very childish thing. A very unlike me thing to do. It got me no where. No where at all. Except all the pain, hurt, and feelings came rushing back. Emotions that I thought I had dealt with. I thought that I had worked past them. I have been the bigger person this whole time. It pains me to know that I sunk to his level. And then what do I do? I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for him. For myself. I need guidance. I need everything to be alright. I prayed that I never make that same mistake again. Hopefully this mistake won't cost me. My hopes are that it will go unnoticed. I can move past it. Forget it ever happened. Or I can turn to the one man I know will help me get through it. And that's my plan.

Listen..

Today I decided that listening is something that I should do more often. You hear some pretty interesting things when you just listen. I was at work, working on a regular client that comes in once a week to have her hair set. She's 90 and full of wisdom. I don't think I had ever just stopped and listened to her. Today I listened. And she talked... I never realized she had so much to say. So much about stuff that I love. She talked of books, and love, and family. All things that I have went on and on about. This time I listened. Listened to her stories of how much she cares for one of her nieces, since she never had any daughters of her own. And how she was so excited to see her. She talked about her son who was going to be come from Alaska to visit her. She told me she prays that I will find a man to love me and take care of me. She told me I deserve it. She has always asked me about my love life or lack there of. And I have never really told her, but today she caught me. She caught me mentioning a guy I had mentioned once before. She just smiled and asked me to tell her a little about him. So I did.I told her of the reason I thik he's in my life. Told her that I think its God just telling me not to give up on men. And that theres still good guys out there. I told her that I started to attend church. Mind you she goes to church everyday. And all she said was that everyone needs a little religion in their life. We talked about Lorna Doone, Sense and Sensiblity, and Pride and Prejudice. She told me stories of when she was in school and how she skipped out on reading Pride and Prejudice because she had read it one to many times. I laughed and smiled. We talked of traveling and friends. She told me stories of her favorite emerald ring. And I reminded her my birthday is in May. She is a very wise women. A women with so many stories to tell. And in reality all she needs is someone to listen. So from now on I think I am going to take a little more time to just listen. I learned all this in just half an hour. Just imagine if I would have been listening for the past 3 years. She has been sitting my chair every Tuesday for the past 3 years and I am barely deciding that she just needs someone to listen. Barely realizing that. Hopefully I have atleast another 3 years to catch up.

The Haha's and HeHe's

Have you ever been in a quite room and through the wall you can hear laughing? And the first thought that came to your mind was "I wonder what they are laughing about?". I love laughing. I tell jokes to make people laugh. I steal jokes to make people laugh. I am self proclaimed joke stealer. Don't whisper your joke to me because I will say it out loud and get the whole room to laugh.

Laughter. It never grows old. And there is so many things to laugh about. I love the slient laughter. The type that comes after you laugh so hard no more chuckles or sqeaks will come out. The type that is achieved by the tightening of all your stomach muscles and your oxygen supply being almost cut off. Oh the joy laughter can bring. On the gloomiest of gloomy days, I can always find something to laugh about. Something that brings a smile to your face followed by a little chuckle.

I got to thinking about laughing and what if there wasn't anything to laugh about. What if one day there was no more jokes to be told, no more laughs to be heard? That had to be one the worst things ever. What would the world be like with out laughter? Without things to make you laugh? Slient. Boring. No more laughing to yourself. No more crying because you can't control your laughter. That would be a world I would not want to be a part of. My life is one big huge continuous laugh. Laughing makes me feel good. I never go a day without laughing... I laugh at my own expense. I will make a fool of myself if I notice your having a bad day. I am happiest when I am making other people laugh. I will continue to laugh. Laugh everyday. Laugh every hour if possible. Its good for the soul. Good for your mind. Its even better for your heart.

So I will laugh. And I hope you do too!

My thoughts on Love

"Somebody To Love Me"
Kellie Pickler

Sometimes the night seems so long
When you lie in bed all alone
And tomorrow seems so far away
I don't wanna live another day this way

Scared to let someone in
Can't bear to get hurt again
But my body needs to feel a touch
Someone come and wake me up

I just want somebody to love me
I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me

Don't wanna let life pass me by
Never knowing what it's like
To be as real as real can be
To share my life and know my dreams

I just want somebody to love me
And I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me

'Cause I'm hurt and I'm scared and I'm lonely
All I want is somebody to want me
'Cause I've got so much to give

I just want somebody to love me
I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me






As I am sitting here I am really thinking about Love. Love. I know what its like to love my family and friends. And I have witnessed true love, but I have never known true love. Love with another person. Someone you feel you can't live without. Never once felt it. Experienced it. Now I have experienced "puppy love", the feelings of possiblity, but never full blown with all your heart and soul Love. I known that I will. And I know that I have to be patient. My time will come when I am ready. Do I question why I haven't found love... Everyday. Does it make me question myself... Everyday. Maybe I am doing something wrong... But I know that being me is what I need to be. Its what someone will fall in love with. So I will wait, and be patient... My day will come. I have my entire life to love. I am just hoping it doesn't take my entire life. :)


Will I ever get the chance to love? Will I really know how to love? Is loving someone easy? Is it even supposed to be easy? I guess I will know when I get the chance to really love...


Love. It was once explained to me that its a choice. You to choose to love someone. And at first I wasn't so sure... but not I really do think you choose to love someone. I know a few couples that have been in serious committed relationships and both thought that they were going to be together forever. Until one deiced they could no longer love the other. They chose to not love anymore. Or love in the say way. I will probably question love until it falls in my lap.

Released

Smiling. I have the biggest smile on my face. I woke up this morning and for the first time in a long time I felt like everything was alright. I felt like the world wasn't crashing down on me and the weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Relaxed. Happy. In complete bliss. Now the question is why? Friends. Friends with nothing but time to listen to my troubles. Being surrounded by friends you haven't seen in a while and all they want to do is listen. Listen to your stories of recent heartbreak or troubles at work. It doesn't feel like I am forcing them to listen. They listen because they are interested in whats going on in my life. Not that my best friends at home aren't because I know my best friend would drop anything to listen to me. But its different. Its a feeling like they are focusing 100% on me. Offering advice, but not to much. Talking, but not talking to much. It means alot and it is exactly what I needed.

Sober.

Alcohol. Something I used to consume every weekend. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with your friends and having a few drinks. Maybe doing a little dancing or singing a little karaoke. I always enjoyed the taste of alcohol. Until one night... one night was all it took.

December 5th 2009 was the last day I had a drink. I woke up the next morning feeling tired and sick to my stomach. Not totally sure of the nights events. I decided that the night before would be the last time I consumed any type of alcoholic beverage. Its not because I couldn't control my drinking. It was a personal choice. One that I could be proud for making. I am not the type to have one drink and be ok with that one drink. I always felt like whats the point of drinking if you weren't going to get drunk. I just think I had finally realize that I had forgotten what it was like to have fun without drinking.

A few years back I lost a friend in a drunk driving accident. I still think about her from time to time. Wondering what her life would be like if she was still here. What if she wouldn't have gotten in the car that night? I never want anyone to be thinking those type of things about me. So I have made the choice to stay sober. I have decided that I want to be in control. You can't control the choices of others, but you can decided what best for you. I still go out, but I now drive. I drive my friends from here to there. I feel comfortable behind the wheel because I am in control.

The hardest part of this whole not drinking thing is explaining it to people. Most people automatically assume that I have a drinking problem. They assume I can't control myself. They say well I didnt think you had a problem. I just shake my head and laugh. Then then I go on about how I wanted to remember how much fun things can be without alcohol.

So here I sit almost 90 days with out a drink of alcohol. 90 days is something I can be proud. Something my parents are proud of. I am not saying that I will never have another sip of alcohol. This is a test. A test to prove to me that if I set my mind to something I can achieve it. My birthday is coming up, and my friends have been asking me if I am going to drink on my birthday. And for a while I thought that I would, but then I realize that I haven't had a sober birthday since I was 17. I'll be 24. So I have a desicion to make. A choice. To drink or not on my 24th birthday.






To be continued...

Right Path

I feel like I have so much to say... So here I sit writing my 3rd blog of the day. Today has seriously been one of those days. One of those days when something is off. And that something you can't seem to put your finger on.

I have had so many different ideas to where I want to take this blog. My mind has been going around and around. I really want you, the reader, to know me... Know my struggles, my constant battles, my happiness for life. The ins and outs of my thoughts. I am a thinker... I think alot, my thinking keeps me up at night. Sometimes I wonder if I even got to sleep. I think about my family, my friends, my journey, and if I am on the right path.

Being on the right path is something I have truely been struggling with. I feel maybe I decided to go north when I was supposed to go south. I am on the right path to discovering true happiness... I question it everyday. I question myself. I doubt myself. I lack trust in myself. And until recently I felt alone. Lost in a great big world with no one. How can you feel alone when you are surround by the masses? A huge family, caring friends and coworkers, God. I had forgotten about God for awhile. Afraid to lean on Him. Afraid to ask for guidance. Not anymore. I will no longer allow myself to feel alone. I am never alone. He's only a prayer away.

People that know me might read this and say "Kendra she doesn't have a relationship with God.. and here she sits talking of one..." And you know what a month ago I would have said the same thing. A month ago I was a completely different person. A person who didn't need anyone to preach to her. A person who believed in God, but would only go to Him in times of great need. A person who didn't want to spend her Sunday mornings in Church. I feel differently now. I am in the process of building a relationship with God. Still not sure of how to go about it. But I learn a little more with service... and everyday I feel a little closer to Him. I now know I am not alone. He's all around me. I have to learn how to trust in Him and His plan for me. And I will and I am willing to take the time to learn how. I believe in Him. Its starts with that.

To Give or not to Give

I always give way more than I recieve. Its just in my makeup. I always give give give, and hardly take. And usually in the end, I am the one who ends up with the short end of the stick. There has been many times in my life when I have said "Never again will this happen to me!" And what ends up happening... You guessed it.. I get hurt, walked all over, used, and thrown aside. But there's something inside of me that keeps on giving. I used to not know what it was, and I am still working on the reasons for it... I definetly think it has to do with the Big Man upstairs, and His plan for me. I recently started to attend church... at first because my best friend sings in the worship band, but now I go for me. I go to find something I have never had before. Maybe an answer to my questions of why me? Why do I give so much and end up hurt so often? Yesterday at church I got an answer I had been seeking... Not sure of the song the Worship Band was singing but the words hit heavy on my heart... and brought tears to my eyes... As I looked down at my best friend I had never been so thankful for anyone. She's the reason I give. She's the constant reminder that my giving doesn't go unanswered. And the way she gives so much of herself to other people is amazing. So selfless... And never expectant of anything in return. I learned something yesterday... I learned that regardless of my setbacks... I will always have her, and she will always be there after I have given to much, and she will be my constant reminder that its ok to give and not recieve. But even more importantly I learned that I can count on God. I always knew that He was there, and I believe whole heartedly that He put my best friend in my life because I needed that reminder. A reminder to give with no expectation. To love with no strings attatched. To feel with your whole heart. I still have alot to learn, but now I feel that I can give. Give time, energy, love, laughter, and smiles.. anything and everything with no expectations.




To be continued...

First of Many...

I have been keeping a journal for quite awhile now. Never sharing my thoughts, feelings, or emotions with anyone. A private way for me to vent. Vent my frustrations, triphums, heartbreak, set backs, and everything in between. I write because it helps me see things clearer. So why not share those thoughts with other people. People that want to read about me and my life. I write for me. I will contiune to write for me. And maybe along the way I will help you see something clearer. My life is a constant to be continued... A continuing of the happy times, sad thoughts, and meaningful memories. Ups and downs and more ups. I take whatever has happened that day and write. I write from the heart. I write in times of confusion. I write in times of joy or sadness. So bare with me as I write... and maybe you will learn something.


To be continued...