Until Their Gone.

You never realize how much someone really means to you until their gone. And it doesn't hit you at first. It might take weeks, months even. I sit here now with a pain in my heart. I miss my Papa. I miss him so badly. I just wish for one second he was here so I can tell him of the new crazy adventure I have planned for my life. Or just to hear him say "I'm just resting my eyes." I miss him chiming in at the right time. I miss his chuckle. I miss the way he looked at my Grandma. I miss a lot about him. Everything.

I haven't been to his grave since his burial. I just can't muster up the courage to go. I tell myself I will. I know he's gone. He's better off where he is. He's not in pain anymore. He's not hurting, but I am. I have been walking around like nothing is wrong. I have been telling myself its better this way. Be strong. Mom needs you. I have been telling myself don't cry in front of Mom, she needs you to be tough. Be the tough girl she raised you to be. My heart hurts. I find comfort in Christ. I know He will provide whatever I need. I just have to be strong enough to ask.

I have a hard time going to my Grandma's... sitting in my Papa's chair. I can see the hurt behind her eyes. I think with time it will get easier for me atleast. I worry about my Grams. It's been a tough 3 1/2 months. Its only been 3 1/2 months. Today was the first day I let myself cry since the day after his funeral. Todays was the first day I let myself really fall apart. I think that's what I needed. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow it will be easier. I trust in my Lord Jesus Christ. My hope is in Him. He will work everything out. He will shield my family from the hurt. He wrapped his arms around us and will continue doing so. I have faith. My faith is strong. My faith is growing and each day that pass I long to do good for Him.

I know my Grandpa is looking down on me with a big Papa grin. That makes me smile! I miss you Papa! I miss you alot! I know Grandma misses you dearly, we all do, and I am going to do a better job at taking care of her because I promised you I would.