Christmas Letter

Dearest Friends,

I cannot believe this year has come and is almost gone. My life as some of you know has been busier then ever. I have started coaching High School girls basketball out in Selah, and I love it more then ever. I love being in charge of my own team, and so far we are 4-1. On top of coaching I am attending YVCC full time to get my transfer degree... I am one year in and hopefully I will be finished by spring of next year. Keeping my fingers crossed I don't lose my drive and determination. School did help me lose 18 pounds, and gave me the little push I needed to keep losing weight. I am looking to be a new and improved Kendra in 2012.

I have also been helping with my church's youth group, and what a blessing that has been. Crossed Out Student Ministries has been just want I have needed in my walk with the Lord. I have seen some amazing growth not only in the students, but in myself. I got the chance to head up to Camp Dudley with COSM, and boy did that place bring back so great memories. We spent 3 days there learning about Jonah, and I had a fabulous time! I got the chance to spend some much needed time with McKenzie and Michaela. And what a blessing it was to be in a place that's so great!

Well hopefully my family can hold itself together this next year. Michaela just had knee surgery, my brother has a cracked tibia... And I will be headed to the doctor sometime this week to see if I have any damage to my knee. I was squatting down at my game on Thursday, and twisted funny when I went to get up, and my knee popped twice and has been tender ever since. So prayers that it's nothing would be much appreciated.

Over all this year has been one amazing year. The Lord has blessed me tremendously! I am looking forward to everything this coming year has to offer. Many blessings to you and your families. Love you all!!

Kendra

Questioning...

So this question has been bugging me all day... Is it EVER ok for a girl to tell a guy that she has feelings for him? And if so, when? I have asked countless friends, both guys and girls... And I have gotten mixed reviews. One friend stated, well "have you been flirting with him?" And I thought well I think so... In all honesty I am not the flirtiest person. I mean do I need to twirl my hair and bat my eyes at him?

Another friend told me... "why would you? He'll come around." And I thought to myself really? After 10 months of having a crush on someone, and wham he comes around? I don't know, but thanks.

I am always going back to if he likes you then he will pursue you. If he really liked me, then I am sure he would pursue me. Unless he's not sure I am interested. Yes, we talk more, have even hungout together. Things have changed. But I promised myself that I would not go back to how I used to do things. My heart matters more to me and having to patch it up again just doesn't sound appealing.

Maybe I am just getting tired of waiting around. I think right now I am the only one waiting around. I think this whole question sprung from my insecurities. I am afraid if I don't say something, he might choose someone else. He might decide that being my friend is enough. If I don't say something... But I always say something, and it winds up with me either sad or broken hearted.

I always play the what if game in my head... I say... Well what if he thinks we don't have enough in common... So I try something he likes... That didn't work out so well, but I tried. Maybe I should hang where he hangs... What if he comes when I am there... I am seriously out of thoughts. Until I realized it's not about my timing, and what I want. It's not about showing up and being in the same place he is. I am not in control. It's about trusting in the Lord with all my heart. It's about knowing that what ever He has in my plan is perfect. It's being content with everything He has given me. So I won't say anything to the guy I have liked for a while now. I have to trust in the Lord. He knows if he'll come around or not. It's about taking the friendship that He has given me, and enjoy that as much as possible. It's being thankful that I now have an amazing Christian friend that I know I can depend on... He makes me laugh... Who I enjoy being around... And more importantly God helped restore my hope in men.

Honestly, if I learn anything from this entire situation... It will be there are good guys out there. Guys who love God with there whole hearts, guys who treat you with respect. Guys who love their family and friends. So for that I will be forever thankful.

My list.

I am now aware of a few things in life. Here's my list.

1. Don't fall for a guy who doesn't acknowledge your presence. Example: you are standing in the same room not more then 5 steps away, and you don't even get a nod in your direction.
2. Laugh all the time, and don't care who's listening.
3. Always know God is in control.
4. Don't become a hermit crab, and stay at home all time. Go out and enjoy yourself once in awhile.
5. Even friends will say cruel things. Usually means they were never really your friend.
6. Love with your whole heart. Even if your heart gets broken you will have learned something.
7. Find a true friend, and hold on to them tight even if they move halfway acrossed the country.
8. Patience. Probably the hardest thing for me because I want to be loved so badly.
9. Love your family regardless.
10. Always wear to different socks. It's just more fun that way.
11. Forgive as you were forgiven. This is a big one that I have yet to master. It's just a tough one for me.
12. Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable. Who cares what the magazines are saying.
13. Buy a pair of cowboy boots.
14. Tell the truth. Always.
15. Acknowledge the people who have made a difference in your life. They might not know it, and it's also nice to hear.
16. Set a good example. You seriously never know whose watching.
17. Don't sell yourself short. You will only get in the way for the great things God has planned for you.
18. Wear high heels every once in a while.
19. It's ok to cry.
20. It's ok to make mistakes, as long as your willing to fix them.
21. Never feel alone. God is always right by your side.
22. Pray often and in everything.
23. Don't be afraid of change.
24. Try something new every once in awhile. And if you don't like it... You never have to do it again.
25. Read. Read. Read. There's so much amazing information out there. Go find it for yourself.
26. Open your eyes. Remove the blinders, and soar.
27. Don't fear the unknown. Believe God has put you exactly where He needs you.
28. Exercise every once in a while... You will always feel better when your done.
29. Write things down. That way when you die your kids can go back and read your thoughts.
30. Get more then one perspective on a situation. It always seems to make things more clear.
31. Enjoy time with others.
32. Don't be afraid to meet new people. It never hurts to have more friends.
33. Smile.
34. Enjoy the little things in life. They can add up to big things.
35. Live for something other then yourself.
36. Never be afraid to really say what's on your mind. Someone is always willing to listen.
37. Encourage others.
38. We were meant to be courageous.
39. Always try your hardest.
40. Rekindle old relationships with long lost friends.. Especially if you don't know why your stopped being friends.
41. Live a little.
42. Don't do something to try to impress the guy you like. If he likes you... It will be because your you.
43. You live, you learn, you crash, you burn. And that's alright.
44. Never stay angry.
45. Show someone that you care. Reach out and lend a hand every once in a while.
46. Always keep something that means something to you... Even if it's cluddering up your room.
47. Watch at least one scary movie by yourself. It gives you a whole new meaning to Nightmare on Elm Street.
48. It's perfectly on to be you.
49. Don't let months and months pass by without saying something to the handsome guy that goes to your church. You wind up in situation #1.
50. Follow your heart.
51. Take time to just play with your kids. They love it when a grown up acts like a dead turtle. Makes them smile... And what's better the that.
52. Enjoy your alone time.
53. Enjoy a beer or a glass of wine every once in a while.
54. Never be afraid to show your true feelings.
55. Dance. In front of the mirror. In the kitchen. Professionally. However. Wherever.
56. Hope. Never give up hoping. If one door closes, never doubt another one will open.


Honestly I could go on forever. I have learned alot in my 25 years. Do I completely follow all of these things all of the time. Nope. But do I try... Yes. Maybe you should make a list. Oh yeah...

57. "If he wants you... He will pursue you." I am still waiting for this to happen, and it will someday. Until then I will continue to work on me.

Fighting the Urge.

Yes, I have been hoping and planning and sometime scheming to get things to go my way.  This time I am not going to do any of that.  This time I will follow his lead.  This time I am not going to force something that's not there.  I am going to allow him to be the man.  The man that I have always wanted.  I am not going to chase him.

If I haven't learned anything in these past few months then seriously my eyes must have been shut, ears closed, and my head must have been covered by a blanket...  For the past year and half I have been living by the motto "If a guy wants you... then he will pursue you."  But only with a certain someone... the rest of the "men" I have encountered haven't been what I have needed or wanted.  As I step back from those situations and really examine them, I notice the same pattern.  Me.  Everything Me.  I let my wants and desires get in the way.  I pursued them... and honestly you can't pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued.  And what was I doing?  Yes, I have a very dominate personality.  A very take the lead way of doing things, but as I think and pray I realize that sometimes it is necessary to relinquish control.  Not only to God, but to the guy I like.   I also realized that a lot of men aren't willing to put them  selves out there.  They are timid... so maybe taking a backseat will give him the confidence he needs...

I was sitting in my Western Civilization class last Friday, and I wrote a list of things I need my partner to be.  I need him to be a Godly man, someone who will eventually lead our family.  Someone who can make me laugh at all times, and in all circumstances, and finally someone who makes me a better person.  My list isn't long, and honestly it used to be.  It used to be filled with trivial things like... he has to be over 6 foot, handsome, has to come from a big family, has to have a car, and a job.  He has to make such and such amount of money.... blah blah blah...

I also realized that it's not about what a man can provide for me, but what can I provide for him.  Where's that list been?  I have to be prepared... I am not only looking for someone special... I am sure they are looking for the same.  So instead of making a laundry list of must haves for my future husband... I decided it would be appropriate to make one about me for him.  I don't think it's really necessary for me to share it with everyone, but I think it was an eye opening experience.  I really thought about it.  Where can I be better?  What needs to change in my life?  How can I prepare myself?  I think it takes a lot to really look at your weaknesses and admit that you need a little help or guidance.

I hope that one day my future husband will read this, and realizes that I have been along with the guidance and help of Jesus Christ preparing myself for him.  I know that I need to allow the guy to lead. And that's going to be hard for me.  So to the same guy I wrote about in my "If he likes you... He will pursue you" blog... I'll be here graciously waiting... And yes everyone in care you are wondering... Things have changed since I last wrote about that certain situation.

So from now on I will be fighting the urge to take the lead... I will be sitting back praying for my future husband.  :)

Life in General.

Big Breath.  This is going to be a doozy.  Sometimes life takes you by the hand, and leads you exactly where you need to be.  Lately I have felt that life hasn't been so nice to me.  Instead of guiding my gently I feel like I have been thrust in to a world of chaos.  From school to work to everything in between I have been going nonstop since school started up.  I find myself feeling overwhelmed.  Questioning if I am really do what I should be or am I wasting valuable time doing things that aren't going to matter.  All these feeling are something that I have never felt before.  I now super from test and quiz anxiety.  I find myself worried every day if I am going to  make to class, small group, work, and youth group on time.  These feeling I have never in my life experienced.  So I did what I could do, I would go through everyday pretending like everything was alright.  I would feel guilty about taking time to do something for myself when I could be doing homework, cleaning, or the 100 other things... after 6 weeks of feeling the weight of the world was on my shoulders I just couldn't take it anymore...

So I finally did something about it.   I had to talk to someone... Someone who is wise beyond his years.  Someone I have gotten to know over the past few months.  I stopped at the church office and let it all out.  And Rick not only listened... He really opened my eyes.  He helped me to look everything, and helped me realize that some of the stuff I had been carrying around wasn't mine to carry.   I wasn't trusting the one person who has never let me down.  Allowing God to help my get through everything.  I have been so wrapped up in what's not right that I stopped paying attention to what is right, and so beautiful.  I have been a Christian now for almost 2 years, and I could not be more happy.  My relationships are now built on God.  I strive to be the best COSM leader that I can be.  I found myself feeling guilty about my love for God.  Only because that means relationships I used to value just aren't that important anymore.

I also found myself really wondering if I should be in school or not.  I had never questioned this.  EVER.  Because I always felt like God lead me there.  God has opened so many doors for me.  Paying for my schooling... and just providing everything I need.  Well as this quarter has gone on I have really began to wonder if I should be at school.  And actually saying those words to Rick, I realized... How stupid Kendra... I knew God had led me there... He had opened every single door.  

So what could go?  What could lighten my load?  Small group? COSM? School?  Family time?  Studying?  Friend time?  All these things are very important to me.  All of these things make up who I am.  So after praying about it, I realized some of the other stuff had to go.  Like the guilt, the feeling of not being "good enough", the negative self talk... all the garbage of life.  That way I will have time for all the great things that God has provided for me.  I realized I need to trust the Lord, trust that He knows exactly what he is doing.

My life hasn't just been all downs... there has been a ton of ups, but I will have to save them for a later blog...

School Drool.

School starts next Monday, and honestly I am not excited about it at all... If you would have asked 3 weeks ago... I would have told you that I was more then ready to go back.  I know I wanted structure and a routine, but I don't know if I am ready for it.  I just have been praying for an easy transition... and not to much homework. :)

What I am looking forward to is coaching basketball again.  I am really looking forward to that.  I honestly thought about not doing it, but I was like why not?  It was a great experience last year, and I love all those girls, why not give it another go.  It works well with my schedule and it will be fun! Espeically because I scheduled my classed all in the morning so they would be out of the way by practice time!  So here's to another season of Red Devil basketball!

I was also thinking that this morning when I got out of bed, I had an extra pep in my step.  No everyone it's not a guy!  It's just the feeling of knowing you are on the right path.  It's the feeling of knowing I am exactly where God wants me.  I think that feeling is hard to come by.  Last week I didn't feel like that.  I had this dark cloud hanging over me.  A cloud that was following me around, a cloud that I was allowing to follow me.  Well its a new week, and today is a new day. 

I leave on Thursday and head for Spokane for the weekend.  I am attending the Women of Faith conference, and boy am I excited!  I am really looking for to spending some much need quality time with Debbie and her amazing family!  I don't know what the conference is all about, but I am open to whatever it is! And honestly I really like Spokane.  I liked living there, what I didn't like what the darn winter... I hate snow!!!  I am really excited that fall is the a few short weeks away.  I can't wait to pull out my boots and sweaters!! YAY to Fall!!

I am hoping to be getting a new car here soon... Yes I want to get rid of my beloved Nelly!  She is such a gas hog, and with driving back and forth to Yakima, I defitnitely need to something that is a little more gas friendly.  But we will see...

Megan and Paul's Big Day (pictures)

Here are a few pictures from this weekends amazing wedding!  I had such a great time.  It was great to get to be a part of something so amazing!  Love you Both!

Here I am... Feeling Beautiful! 



Dance Floor




Me, the Gorgeous Bride Megan, and Carrie




My Favorite Shot of me!!



I caught another bouquet... Yes that makes three this year! Oh Man!!

These are just a few of my favorites from the wedding... if you have me on Facebook I have a whole bunch more there... 

Wedding SUMMER

I have been to 6 wedding this summer... Starting May 21st, and ending 9.10.11!  I would have to say that all the wedding were beautiful and I enoyed them all, but this past weekend being apart of the wedding was something else.  Megan and Paul met through eHarmony about 2 years ago.  I knew instantly that they would get married.  I remember the first time Megan mentioned him to Carrie and I.  She was so giddy.  I knew that this time around it would be different.  Paul is a great guy... He's absolutely perfect for Megan! 

The weekend couldn't have went any better!  I have never felt so happy for anyone as I am for these two.  I went down to Hermiston 2 weekends ago to help Megan with last minute things.  Megan is quiet possibly the most organized bride I have ever met.  She had totes lining the walls with things for the wedding, all organized and neat.  I was very impressed, but I wouldn't expect any thing less from her.  She has always been so organized!  Well we worked the weekend away... (not really)!  But I felt that it was a successful weekend of getting stuff done.

The week flew by and I was headed down to Hermiston on Thursday with my best friend Carrie.  We arrived at Megan and Paul's around 9.  We grilled Paul about the possible handsome men that were going to be at the wedding... Then Paul headed off to work... We talked and had a glass of wine, then headed off to bed.  I just kept thinking Megan is getting married in 2 days... wow... I still can't believe its came and gone!  Anyway, back to the amazing weekend...

We woke up Friday morning and headed to the reception site.  Megan and Paul's reception was going to be at Paul's Mom and Dads house.  Which is gorgeous.  When we arrived around 8, tents were already up, and tables were being set out, along with chairs.  We went inside where the aunts and Paul's mom were hard a work, slicing bread, cutting potatoes, and watermelon.  You could see the love they all had, laughs were coming out of the kitchen... We helped out, and then headed to get the best pedicure of my life, and the best manicure too... Followed by a much needed spray tan!!  Headed back to Paul's parents house... and I locked my keys in the car... Thank Goodness for Paul's brother Thomas... who in 10 minutes flat had my car unlocked! 

We headed back to the amazing Family Suite Megan had gotten us and got ready for the rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner.  So much fun, and laughs were had that night.  We headed to bed after hanging with the Groom and Groomsmen...  It was 11:56 pm, and I wanted to wait until midnight to tell Megan that she was getting married today.  So as soon as the clock struck 12, I announced to the room... That Megan is getting married today... Then it was off to a night of tossing and turning... I was excited Megan was getting married... So was she because she got up at 5 to start getting ready for her big day.

I was wide awake with her... I honestly have never felt so loved.  Megan treated all her bridemaids like royalty.  From getting our pedis and manis done, and then getting our hair done to Megan paying for our dresses, shoes and everything in between.  She has been the best bride ever!  Well we headed to the salon, and got our hair done.  Then back to the hotel where I got my makeup done and helped Megan into her dress.  Oh man she made a beautiful bride.  Our flowers arrived, and boy were they just so pretty.  They were absolutely the prettiest flowers I have ever seen.  

We loaded up and headed to the picture spots, and boy was it sooo hot!!  We took a few pictures then headed to the church... took some more pictures, and waited for the wedding to start. 

The wedding went off with out a hitch and so did the amazingly beautiful reception.  The food was more then amazing, and so was the desserts....  We danced the night away, and I possibly ate way to much.  The alcohol was flowing and everyone was having a great time.

BUT... most of you would think that the party ended there, but they had a Sunday brunch with 100 of there closest friends and family.  It was so much fun too.  The food again was fabulous.  Just getting time to sit with Megan was great and actually get to talk to her.  I got to thank her for letting me be apart of her big day. 

Leave me a Comment!!

Hey if you stop by and read my blog... leave me a comment just to let me know what you think of it...

Reflection.

Reflection-


Today I woke up, drug myself out of bed in hopes of feeling refreshed and anew.  Well honestly that has not happened.  I feel like I am slipping further and further away from the things I once loved and appreciated.  So I decided I really needed to sit down and figure out what the heck is wrong with me.  Figure it out... Reflect on whatever it is... and move forward.  Well as of right now I still haven't figured it out, but there's something I do know... My heart isn't heavy anymore... and I am loving my Savior more and more.  I realized that I haven't been spending enough time in the Word, I haven't been giving Him my all.  He gives me his on a daily basis, and I neglect to except that.  It's an easy fix, find the time, because I have it... to read and study and learn and grow. 


Life goes by faster then you could have ever imagined when you were growing up.  When I was just a little kid I can remember saying I wish I was a big kid... the from big kid to teenager... then from a teenager to an adult.  Well I am an adult, and I wish I was a kid again.  Because being an adult and not having all your dreams come true sucks.  Growing up you have a plan, and right now my "plan" isn't coming true.  I catch myself always thinking about "my plan", and I realize... it's not my plan that matters... It's Gods plan for me that matters, and that I have to trust in that.  That's what I have to rely on.  I say that I trust in God's plan for me... until I wake up and say, "why not me?"... I shouldn't question God's intentions for my life.  But it's easy too... it's easy to wander from the path He has laid before me...  Struggling with this daily isn't fun... and honestly that's what wearing me down.  Thinking about everything He has given the people around me, but hasn't given to me... Then out of nowhere it hits me... He has given me so much... He has given me everything I need... He gave me His life... Amazing... Self pity is an ugly trait to have... it's a nasty thing, and if allowed will swallow you whole...


But if you stay focused on the greatness the Lord has provided life isn't so bad.  Life is exactly how He wants it, and from now on I will rest in that.  The Lord loves me unconditionally... and just knowing that is enough.  I will trust in that.  I sometime sit and remind myself that He chose me... He chose me... Me of all people... What a great feeling


So as I set forth with the rest of my life, I know there will be times where I allow myself to feel bad about my situation... but it will never be anywhere close to the things Jesus went through for me... I have been really selfish lately... and that's another ugly trait.  Something I will continue ask God to rid me of.

Weird Spot...

Lately, I have been thinking that I am kind of in a weird spot.  I feel like I am stuck between 3 different spots.  I was driving today when it hit me... Well as most of you know I am not married nor do I have a boyfriend... So that subtracts me from getting invited to hangout with my married friends and their children because I might get bored... (actually I don't know their reasons) Then all of the friends that I have had forever are getting married or are married... I just feel like I am not as fun as a single women.  Then there's my younger friends who just want to go out and party, and that's definitely not me.  I just find it hard to be where I am at in life.  Not to say that I am not happy, but this kind of sucks...

I am sure people struggle with this all the time.  It's how life works.  Maybe it's because my best friend is getting married on Saturday.  My other best friend lives on the East Coast,  and my other in Couer de Alene.   Well I guess it's time for me to make some new single friends...

Other news in my life... School starts in 2 weeks and I am super excited about that!  I don't think I have been so excited for school since I was in kindergarden!   I just know I am on the right track... Having such peace about something is a great feeling... And it's all because of God, and I know He has lead me to this exact spot. I could not be more thankful either.

I have also been working at a salon in Zillah that I absolutely love!  The girls are all fabulous and make me laugh... I love working there!

lazy.

I laugh at the fact that I promised a blog of epic proportions and I have not been able to come up with anything of those proportions... haha!  Nothing epic goes on in my life anymore, and to say that I am sorry about that would be a total and complete lie.  I live a simple life.  I have the same routine every week, and I find myself becoming more and more of a home body as the days go on. 

I laugh because I always say that I have no friends.  No one to do anything with.  No one to call up to hangout.  No one to go to the movies with.  And every time I say this I chuckle to myself.  Perhaps its me who doesn't want to hang out.  Perhaps its me who doesn't want to go to the movies.  I don't know.  Here's the thing, I am not lonely, sad, or unhappy with my life.  I am content in my everyday activities.  I find joy and peace in my quiet time.  I find that I am most happy curled up on a couch reading... 

Now don't get me wrong... I enjoy dinner with my girlfriends, or just hanging out with them. I enjoy spending time with whoever wants to spend time with me.  Honestly I think that its my lazy bone that wins out most of the time.  It's easy to stay home, I live with 5 people that I adore. 

I do have a very busy weekend schedule though.  One of my dearest friends is getting married in a week, and has a few things that need to get done.  So I told her that I would be more then willing to help out.  I am seriously looking forward to spening sometime with her, before she gets hitched.  And the closer the wedding comes the more excited I get.  SINGLE GUYS is what a wedding is all about... haha just kidding... definitely not!  I am excited to get my hair and nails done... to wear a goregous dress, and watch my friend get married to an amazing man. I already know the wedding will be goregous, and I know for sure Megan will be too... I have been going over her bustle in my sleep... making sure I get everything perfect.  I am seriously looking forward to it... Expect a blog about it...

"If a guy wants you... He will pursue you"

I have never been one to struggle with words, but for some reason around a particular person I struggle for them constantly. Actually I wouldn't say its a struggle... Its more of a total avoidance.   Lets go back to February, when I had the most brilliant of ideas (rolls eyes because it wasn't).  I decided that I was going to put myself out there... I was going to say hi... Haha... Well as you might have already guessed that still hasn't happened (its late August).  I struggle to smile at you even... Or make eye contact.  Its actually a hilarious story (to everyone I tell), but not to me. 

I was once told my one of my best guy friends, who I would say is a credible source to all things male, "If I guy wants you, he will pursue you..."  So every time I think about that... I instantly think, ok... well pursue away... I am pursueable (if that's even a word) But honestly how can you be pursued if you never say Hi! Or make eye contact... or breath around that certain someone who has caught your attention...  Hello Kendra!  DUH!...

So there I was with some friends at North Town, hoping that you know who might decide to walk through the doors... But does he?... Nope... (there's a little more to the whole North Town story) So as we are sitting there going over life... I am asked if there's anyone I like... I quickly say no, but get a huge smile on my face, so of course my cover is blown... I say "well how can you possibly like someone who have never talked to."  Then they get it out of me who it is... and decide we should go over some scenarios.  Hilarious right?  Sure... We sit there and joke for a while about it... Now every time my friend sees him she texts me and lets me know... Of course I tell her to march right over to him and tell him how amazing I am, since I can't do this myself.

So here I am months and months later... Sitting in a pew at church telling myself... Today is the day... Today you will say hi... Today you will at least smile at him... Ha.  Church ends and I exit the building more rapidly then normal.  I walk to the car with Michaela thinking... "You will never get anywhere... Go back in..."  Do I listen to my inner more powerful voice... Nope... I get in the car and drive the 18 minutes back to my house... This is an every week occurrence...

So here I am sitting behind the computer screen, knowing a bunch of people are going to read this blog.  Am I sharing to much... Possibly... I am worried... Most definitely not... I can say what I want here, and NOT be questioned about it... Not be laughed at to my face.  As most of my friends do when I tell them this ridiculous story... But I can see why they think is so funny... I think its funny... I am a wimp... I am a total laughing stock!  So perhaps I will say hi... Perhaps not ever now that I have shared this with everyone.  I may just let it be.  Go on with my everyday life... It's not like this whole ordeal keeps me up at night... (haha really people it doesn't). 

So the words, "If a guy wants you, then he will pursue you..." will forever haunt me.  But it couldn't be closer to the truth.

Seriously? Retreat (blog 2)

Day Two
I get about of bed at 7:30 waking Michaela so we can get in a quick shower before breakfast... We eat, and head right into morning devotionals. I absolutely loved this. It was a 30 minute time of peaceful music and time to spend in prayer, reading the Word, or journaling. As most of you know I am a huge journalor... I can spend hours journaling my thoughts, prayers, and daily intakes on life. So I greatly enjoyed this time. Then we spent the next hour listening to Rick preach on Jonah and how he spent 3 days in the great fish's belly...
Then we all changed into our swim suits or shorts, and headed for the lake. We spent the next hour or so on the water. I paddle boated with Michaela and everyone else either canoed or paddle boated too. It was a great joy to see the kids having so much fun (and the adults too). We paddled out to Strawberry Island. The water was so calm it made for easy sailing. I enjoyed my time with Michaela... Splashing her, and laughing with her. I just love that little rascal! We headed in so I could grab my camera get a few shots of everyone on the water... After a while we headed back to the lodge and played some more games of Mafia, and indian poker... We ate lunch. After lunch we had some time to just relax.

Erin, McKenzie, Michaela, and I headed out to the Chapel. Its a beautiful spot that over looks the lake. As we were sitting there we saw a gorgeous bald eagle being chased by 2 offspray. We followed it, and the birds just kept getting higher and higher in the sky... As we were walking back to the Lodge, RIck yelled for us that it was time. Time for what you might ask... Time for the Climbing Wall and the Leap of Faith.
The kids were so very excited to climb the wall... me on the other hand, not so much.... I made it half way up and decided I didn't want to go any further... After everyone went... We headed down to the Leap of Faith. I am not quite sure how high this Leap is, but I instantly did not want to participate. I was scared, and afraid I would have a panic attack in what flet like a 100 ft in the air... The point of the Leap is to try and reach a bar 6 feet away from the platform. After watching a few people go... I decided that I could do it... I got harnessed up and headed up the tree... Never looking down... I got the top and thought, "What have I gotten myself into..."  I stood there for a moment and prayed... taking a huge leap of faith... I didn't know if I could do it.  I was so nervous, scared, freaked out... you name it and I was it... I heard calls of encouragement from down below... I took me 4 and half minutes to jump.  I had everyone give me a countdown... and as I prepared to jump... I tried to stop myself... Of course I didn't reach for the bar... but if everyone hadn't rallied around me, I wouldnt have made it down.  It was their support and encouragement that got me off the ledge... I will forever be grateful that I did it... I was up there praying, and asking God to help me get down, and He of course did, by sending everyone on the ground to help me!  Thanks be to God for getting me down.  After the Leap of Faith we headed up for dinner...

Dinner was pizza, amazing... I ate outside with some of the guys... They were being there usually funny selfs.  Definitely reminded me of my brother and how he could never sit still during a meal.  We headed inside to listen to the message about Jonah and how he went to Nineveh.  Finishing up the night with Veggie Tales' story of Jonah... Popcorn and Milkduds...

We headed outside for a 1 hour game of Capture the flag, that turned into 2 games of capture the flag.  I was so sneaky during the first game of capture the flag.  It was the first time ever I made it the the jail on the other side.  I was using the trees to hide myself as I crept to the otherside... I thought for sure I would get caught, but I didn't!  YAY ME!  We finished the night with a short quick game capture the flag!  It was so much fun, but I was so very tired... As soon as we went in I headed for bed! 

Day Three

I did not want to get out of bed.... So I slept until 8:30 when breakfast was at 9.  We did morning devotionals, and finished out the story of Jonah.  I did not know that Jonah was upset with God's Compassion towards the people of Nineveh.  I understand it though.  Because I sometime find myself upset with something I know is God's Will.  It was definitely a wake up call for me.  Here's how I look at it.  God gave me a second chance when I didn't deserve one.  I definitely need to remind myself that I am in no way better then the people of Nineveh were... (I of course didn't go around slapping people with fish... Veggie Tales version haha).

After that we ate lunch, cleaned up, and packed up to head home.  I didn't want to leave... and as we were driving out Michaela told me... "I have a enough clothes for a few more days..."  So did I.  I am counting down the days until next summer's trip... California!!! 

I just want to finish by again stating that God has blessed my life grately.  I praise Him for all the work He did in these Teens lives this week, and for a the work He will continue doing in their's and mine!  It was the first weekend that all my focus was on Him.  I was packing up on Saturday, and it hit me that I hadn't thought about any of my worries back home.  I had left them there and focused on my relationship with the Lord.  It reminded me that that should be a daily thing.  I shouldn't have worries and if I do I should take them to God's doorstep and leave them there.  "Give all your worries and cares to God, for cares about you." 1 Peter 5:7

Thanks to everyone who made this amazing trip so amazing!  To every one of the COSM leaders thank you for your continued service, for the care and love you each showed for these teens... I am amazed that the things God has planned for all of us!  And to every single student, you all fill my heart with so much joy, and happiness.  It was great to see the want and drive to learn more about God!  The care and encouragement you all gave during the climbing wall, and the Leap of Faith! 

COSM's Seriously? Retreat (blog 1)

I am very blessed to be apart of Crossed Out Student Ministries at Sun Valley Church.  And I was lucky to get to go on the Seriously Retreat.  And boy did I have a great time.  The students were so excited to be up at Camp Dudley and they were even more excited to learn about the book of Jonah.  I was also excited to learn about him too.  Being a newer Christian, I hadn't gotten they oppurtnity to learn about him other then when I was working in the Preschool Sunday School.  So I was very excited about it. 

Day One

We left for Camp Dudley at 3 on Thursday afternoon.  After a quick stop at the mini mart on the way up we were headed to the wilderness.  About 7 summers ago I worked up at Camp Dudley... So I was ready to get back to the beautiful place that changed my life.  I was driving the girls which included my Sisters and Little K.  We talked and laughed all the way up.  After about an hour we arrived at the camp.  We were staying in Shinn Lodge, we set up camp... (which consisted of rolling our sleeping bag out on bunk beds on the Girls' side of the dorm)  Headed down stairs and played a could of games of Mafia (Harry Potter, and Dora the Explorer Type Mafia haha).  Dinner was ready and we had steak quesadillas... Oh camp food how I have missed you!!!  We ate and gathered for our first night of worship and our first taste of how God worked in Jonah's life. 

I just have to say that Rick (Youth Pastor) did an amazing job.  We spent 3 entire days in a 4 verse book.  He was able to pull so much out of a passage that normally takes 15 minutes to read.  We sang and listened to Rick preach.  What a great time.  A time to listen and praise God for being so compassionate, and for giving mercy to all.  Even to all of Ninevah.  We listened to Rick talk about Running from God.  And boy that message hit me really hard.  There are things that I do and I know I shouldn't and it's exactly like I am running from God.  Filling my mind with useless TV, and music when I could be spending time with the Lord.  Not praying enough, and spending enough time in the Word.  We finished up with sometime to reflect, and pray, and ask forgiveness.  Sang some more... 

The night only got better when we headed outside for a game of sardines, and capture the flag.  It was dark out, and the sky was the prettiest thing I have even seen.  The sky is one of the reason I love being up in the mountains.  There is nothing to obscure the stars beauty and it just reminds me of much time and care God took when He created the stars. The games of sardines went off without a hitch.  No one injured or scared. haha... Well actually I did have a fright.  Michaela and I were following Mark around... Hoping that he would stumble across the hiding Alex... when Mark was shining his flash light up into the hills side... my flashlight was following behind, and what did we spot what a set of freaking looking eyes.... When I took my light way, and said "did you see those eyes?"  Instantly I was freaked...  Mark answered, "You saw them too..."  He asked me to shine my high powered flash light up there again... We thought that it would be safe to throw a huge rock at whatever it was, that was getting closer and closer to us...  So lets just say for the rest of the game I was walking around with my heart pounding a little harder, and I was a bit on edge. Well after about 15 mninutes of looking for Alex we finally stumbled upon him... He said that he had heard my sister and I calling his name... we happened to walk right by him... never turning our back from him...  The games of capture the flag weren't as injure free... Nothing lift threatening or anything... I took a hard spill trying to chase down Steve, but walked away with a few bruises... Its hard to play capture the flag in the dark, and in the woods, but it was most definitely a very fun night. 

We headed in around 12:15, and played a few more games of mafia before I decided to call it quits for the night.  The kids stayed up until late, but hey its summer, and who cares...

(I had written more, but decided to post it in a different blog)

Blessing.

Just when I think school isn't going to be an option, God provides a way.  I have been really struggling with a way to pay for school.  Yes, I know I should have been saving, and I know that my parents would have payed for it.  I just don't want to have to ask my Mom to write a giant tution check with THEIR hard earned money.  Yes, I applied for financial aid, but with the Finanical Aid Office being so far behind I knew I couldn't count on it.  Tution was due yesterday, so last week I finally asked my Mom if she could pay for it.  She asked if I had heard from F.A. and I told her that I had heard that I wouldn't get it until sometime after Fall Quarter started.  I told her I would get her a total and went on with my day.  Well I was sitting at work, and I recieved an email from YVCC.  It was notification of my financial aid.  YAY!  I don't think that I had ever been so excited.  I immediately went to check and see how much it was for.  I was definitely surprised at how much I am getting.  I definitely got enough for school, books, and gas to get there.  I got more then last year.  I recieved the Federal Pell Grant, and the State Need Grant. 

This is just a small example of the great things God is doing in my life, which made me more thankful for His continued grace.  Just when I start to question if I should even be going to school, God shows me that I am right where He wants me.  I definitely find comfort in that.

Home.

I came acrossed this video a few days ago, and I honestly cannot get it out of my mind.  It's a really good song.  But I really adore the below version of it, done by a dad and his daughter... So cute.

Life is Short.

I was sitting on the couch when the phone rang, I noticed it was my brother. I hadn't talked to him in ages... As I answered, I could hear the pain in his voice... He asked for our Mom between breaths... I was in a panic, I thought something was wrong with him. I asked if he was alright, and he didn't say anything... I told him Mom wasn't home, and again asked him if he was alright... I told him to call Mom on her cellphone, she was golfing... And he said ok and hung up. I immediately started pray. Asking God to protect my brother...

I looked out the window and saw my Mom had stopped half down the driveway... I could see she was on the phone... I was praying everything was alright. She walked in the house and up the stairs... I asked her if my Brother was alright. She walked over to me and looked at me with such pain in her eyes. She told me that Andy Collins had died. And I covered my face... This isn't possible. This couldn't be true. Really I asked? I felt immediate pain. Andy was one of my brothers nearest and dearest friends. Andy had spent countless days at the house, and was newly married. My brother had just been in his wedding. She went on to tell me that he died of a heart attack. A heart attack at 27? Was it even possible... I turned my phone on, and a text flashed up on the screen... it was from Nick, Andy's little brother, telling me his brother had passed away and his family needed prayer. I sat there for a long time... still not wanting to believe it was true...

You never image that someone so young and with such a bright future would be taken at such a young age, but here we are... We are left wondering why? Left with the feeling of sadness, and hurt. A week and half after he got married... Andy touched many people's life. I was lucky to get to know him, and my brother was so very lucky to call him his best friend. In time things will get easier... I find comfort in knowing Andy is in heaven with his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. No one ever imagines that someone so close to them could be taken away so quickly. Makes you realize that your days are numbered, and you can not forget to tell the people you love how much they mean to you. Life is Short, and this is a prime example.

Rest in Peace Andy.
You will be missed.

My thoughts and prayers go out the Collins Family. May God wrap His loving arms around you in your time of need.

Unnoticed.

I was sitting at North Town yesterday afternoon, and I was thumbing through my journal when I came acrossed this...

Unnoticed

I was talking with my best friend about you,
You walked through the door.
I went unnoticed.

We were in a room full of people,
You were staring at your computer screen.
I went unnoticed.

Honestly, I meant to say hi,
You drank your coffee.
I went unnoticed.

You talked to my friends,
Even gave them the WiFi code.
I went unnoticed.

I got up and went to class,
You worked the night away.
I went unnoticed.

I wrote you a message,
You asked, "Were you there?"
Just confirms, I went UNNOTICED.

I wrote this in March. And maybe I didn't jump at the chance to talk to him. And honestly I still haven't. Dumb! Haha... Sometimes you pray for a chance, and God gave me an opening... I was just to chicken to take it.

Old Crushes Die Hard.

I was surfing Facebook, when I came across an updated that stated, "Such and Such went from 'in a relationship' to 'single,'"and I couldn't help but get a huge smile on my face. My first thought was I should like this. Then I thought against it. If I did that perhaps he would question our friendship, and I didn't want that to happen. Then I thought well, atleast I know that there's good men still out there for me. So I wrote him a little message just to check in and see how he was... same ol' same we had been doing for the past 7 years.

Going back to when I was 18, and the first time I saw his gorgeous face. I was a counselour up at Camp Dudley the summer after I graduated high school. I was having the best summer of my life. Getting to be up in the mountains, breathing the fresh air, surrounded by amazing people, and my favorite cousin. The summer couldn't possibly get any better, or atleast I thought that it couldn't. Until I saw Shades (definitely sticking to Camp names... for all those I worked with, its about time you all hear this story). He was so very handsome, tall, and built. I honestly I think I had to pick my mouth up off the ground when he walked in. We were at our normal before campers showup meeting, hearing about the plan of attack for the week. Darkman introduced him to us, and I just remember stuttering through my name. Man, was he handsome was all I kept thinking.

After the meeting got over, the girls headed up the hill, to get all our cabins ready for the week. I couldn't wait to talk to him, and get to know him. Well we instantly hit it off, but definitely not in the way I had imagined. Shades was 26 and finishing up his last year in college. He was doing his intership. I was definitely young for him, but I didn't give up hope. I remember spending every free second around him. He wasn't just cute he was nice, and funny... and smart. I enjoyed our time in the store selling Tshirts and candy bars. Deep down I knew nothing serious was going to come out of this. Nothing.

It was Lord of the Rings week, and the first time I saw him without his shirt. WOW! His body had to have been chizzled out of stone. I think by then a few of the girls had picked up on my infatuation with him. They tried to help out and get him to notice, but it didn't happen. I remember trying to get him to come on our overnights, and now that I think that about it how inapproiate would have that been. Campers asked if I liked any of the other counselors, since I think that there were 4 couples that summer. I remember sitting down on a log next to the horseshoe pit, and he walked up and sat down next to me. He had to have known then that something was up... He asked if something was wrong, and of course I said no... While the voice was screaming in my head " I REALLY REALLY like you!" We sat there and laughed...

After one of the overnights I got sick, so I had to go into solitary confindedment. I was in this little room, with a mattress on the floor, and a little itty bitty window. It was dance night, and I was missing it. I was laying in my bed reading a smut book that 2 of my best friends had sent me. I am laying there tangled up in my blanket, and hearing music blaring from the dining hall when a little knock came from the door. I just assumed that it was my cousin, she had visited me a few times already making sure I was ok, when I said come in... It was Shades, he had walked down to see how I was doing. Immediately I had wished I had combed my hair and brushed my teeth. He sat down on the ground and talked to me for a while. He said he had been asking about me, but wanted to make sure I was doing alright himself. I thought maybe he did care. Maybe he felt the same way I did. He hung out for a while, and I told him he should get back to the dance. He checked on me once more before the morning.

I remember the car ride to Yakima. Camp was one week from being over and we were staying the YMCA for the night. We rode all the way there with the windows down. Talking non-stop about this and that. I remember thinking... "tell him, tell him.." I never got the courage to tell him anything. I mean I told him of my upcoming plans, and how he needed to keep in touch. I remember that night... I didn't want it to end. From swimming to playing pool to just hanging out. I remember it all like it was yesterday, and the funny thing is... I haven't thought that about any of this in years. Yeah from time to time I think about camp, and all the fun I had, but never really about my first hge crush on an older man.

Well it was the last week of camp, and I was headed out a secret squirrel mission. I tried to get my night off changed so that I could hang with Shades, but it didn't work out as disappointed as I was I didn't let it stop me from having a great last week. After the cabins were cleaned, and the cars loaded, we all said our tearful goodbyes, "saying I will see you at Darkman, and Princess' wedding"... I wrote Shades a letter, had it in my back pocket, I didn't hand it to him.... I thought to myself... what would it change... We went our seperate ways... Or atleast thats what I thought...

I recieved a phone call or two from him... We decided that we were going to go to the wedding together. I picked him up and we talked about school and he talked about a girl. Definitely not what I wanted to hear. We got to the wedding, and people were asking me if we were "together," and sadly I had to tell them no. We danced, and laughed all night...

After that the phone calls didn't come as often, and I would get a random text every now and again... A friend and I were headed over the mountains, so I thought why not stop in ellensburg and see him... Well we stopped, and I don't remember ever feeling so unwelcome. We didn't stay long. It wasn't Shades that made it that way... It was his friend. Well that was the last time I saw him. Pretty much the last time I heard his voice.

Every once in a while I text him just to see how he's doing, and he always replys... So I guess in short, I never really got over my crush from 7 years ago, and I can't say that I am sorry to see that he's single again. I guess old crushes die hard.

Greatest

Yesterday happened to be one of the Greatest days of my life... Why you might ask? Well I woke up with a sense of urgency. A hunger to learn... I had an extra pep in my step, and I was really looking forward to getting back to church. After missing the past two weeks because I was out of town. I couldn't wait to see my SVC family and hear Pastor John preach the word. I was looking forward to catching up on what I missed in Sunday school, and seeing some family I had been missing greatly. Well you might think that because this was one of the greatest days in my life that everything would have gone perfectly... Well it didn't according to the above, but it went better.

As I walked into the Gym, it dawned on my that this weekend was SVC's huge camping weekend, and as I looked to the front of the gym I didn't see who I had expected... A little discouraged I asked my friend Heather where Rick was.... and if his class had been moved... She again reminded me that Rick was camping and Chuck would be teaching the class today... We chatted a few more moments and I went to sit down. I even considered going over to the Youth Group building... Well I am more then glad I stayed. God has this funny way of showing me my sin when I don't really want to see it. Chuck talked about many things that are going on in my life... and really opened my heart and mind to a new thinking... Romans 6:11-14 states "In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in you mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sins, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." HELLO KENDRA!!! I battle the same sin every week... And the funny thing is I know exactly what to do about it... I occassionally give in, and I say it won't happen again, and it does. But this time I am going to take furthers steps to ridding myself of it...

After Sunday School I sat outside... it was hot, but I wasn't ready to go into the sanctury yet. I sat there for 10 minutes, thinking and praying. Soaking up the beautiful day God had provided us with. I sat there thinking, "Kendra, you can do it!" I looked up and there was my Iddy Biddy (Kaela) and I got a smile on my face... "Show her... Be her example... She needs you..." All of this popped into my head as I stood up and told her, "I just thought that I would wait for you out here..." Iddy Biddy smiled and we walked in and sat down together... I was looking at the bulletin, and realized that Pastor John wouldn't be preaching today. And I thought, "great..."

And as you probably already know... (since this was one of the Greatest Days of my entire existence) Dr. Todd Miles preached an amazing sermon. I don't think I have ever been more impressed with a guest speaker. He preached about Adpotion... and honestly I had never thought about being "adopted" into God's family. All these converstation about adoption I had had with friends... I remember telling my friend, "I would never adopt." "I want kids of my own." "I just can't see myself being a good mom to someone else's kid." How selfish is that. How horrible were those thoughts. I left church thinking... God adopted you... God took you in and loves you. Really? Yeah, Kendra really... Sometimes you don't even realize that something is missing until God brings it right to you on a silver platter... I was definitely in the right place at the right time. Every child desevres to be loved... And I honeslty can't believe I didn't think that before.

I am sure that I will have other "great" days, and God will continue to work in my life. Things like this just prove to me that God loves me unconidtionally, and His timing couldn't be more perfect.

Looking back.

I have been neglecting this blog, and I feel bad!

God has blessed me in so many ways, how could I forget to tell the rest of the world. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and digging deep here lately, and I find myself standing as tall as ever. And not on my own, but on the shoulders of something, rather someone much more powerful then myself. Trusting in someone else is normally a very hard thing for most to do. It's easy to trust half heartedly, but to trust someone with your entire being is hard, very hard, but I think I am getting the hang of it.

I have a peace that I have never felt before. I feel love for someone that I have never felt before. I trust in the Lord completely. Now at times I fail, and I fall. And recently I fell really hard, but this time was different. I wasn't alone in my hurt, I wasn't by myself. I didn't feel that I failed myself, but someone more important. I failed the Lord. There were two things I could do about it. I could go back to being old Kendra. The Kendra that did things for herself. The Kendra that I have fought so hard to let go of. The Kendra that was about doing things because they felt good. I sat in my room with a heavy heart. I had feelings of embarrassment, shame, and defeat. This time I chose to do something I never would have before. I asked for forgiveness, and not just from God, but from everyone I hurt or lied to along the way. Did the shame go away instantly no, did the embarrassment go away instantly no. But the heavy hurt I had been caring around since the first lie flew out of my mouth went away instantly. And everything go easier after I asked forgiveness from God, then my friends.

I was told, "Kendra you have to let it go... It's in the past, and can't be changed. Let it go!" And after beating myself up, I let it go. I let that go, and with that went my past. With that I was new and improved. I hadn't realized I was dragging my past around with me until I failed. I fail everyday. I am a sinner. And I think its what I learned that has changed me yet again. Changed me into someone who is content waiting for His's plan for me to unfold. I am content with everything God has given me. I am very blessed. I wake up everyday thanking God for getting me through the night. I find blessing in the smallest of things. I find myself thanking God more and more each day. I find myself learning more and more everyday.

I was baptized a year ago Monday... I look back on that day, and I laugh. I have never been so scared in my life. So afraid to look up at my family. To look up and see the faces of people who were so happy for me. I was scared to say something wrong. Scared of everything. I was scared to give myself fully to Christ. To trust with all my being in Him. I knew thats what I wanted, and over the year thats what has come to be. I can't help, but ask myself, "what were you really afraid of?" I think I now know the answer... Failing. And at that time I don't think I realized that regardless of my downfalls, God chose me... He picked me... He loves me... I know that now... Of course I have to remind myself of that everyday. But life is so much better when you can trust in someone who knows exactly what He is doing.

Its been a Year.

I purchased a new journal. I had filled up my last one. I enjoy writing in my journal. I love reading back. . . especially in my old old journals. Reading about things that aren't important to me now, but were so important to me then. Times have changed. My focus has moved from one end of the spectrum to the other. I enjoy where I am way more. I enjoy the satifaction I get from it. I enjoy the feelings I get from it. I am happier now then I was then. I am stronger now then I was then. I think I am more caring now then I was then. I have set my goals higher and I know they are achieveable. They are achieveable with what I have now. Its been a year since God placed himself in my life. Its been a year since my life has changed. A year of growing and moving, and moving back again. I have learned so much and I honestly can't wait to learn more. Life is better. Its better knowing you have a purpose. Its better knowing that if you truely want something it can be yours. My life got off track in the past month, but boy is it good knowing that regardless of the mistakes I have made, God's willing to forgive me. Life is short. I don't want regrets. I don't want past mistakes to be made again. I will try to be the best I can be. I have tried new things, and met new people. I have seen great loss, and been picked back up. This past year has changed me forever. Things have happened for a reason. Some reasons unknown. Perhaps I haven't figured them all out... I know why some people have been brought into my life, but others I may never know. Many have taught me things without even knowing. Showing me the way with out even noticing. Some have shown me what true love is. Some have shown me patience. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Timing. Timing is everything. I feel in the past year I was exactly where I needed to be. I was surrounded by the people I needed in my life.

So here's to a new journal. A journal to be filled with prayers, and quotes, and thoughts. God is great.

Midterm. Taxes. And God's Reassurance.

I am sitting at school typing this from my cell phone. I just got finished with my first college midterm. Boy am I got that its over... It definetly wasn't hard... just alot of memorizing terms. Something that I am not very good at. I just never have been a good memorizer. Now song lyric those are something I can memorize.

College gets better and better everyday. It even got better when I found out I got the Federal Pellet Grant. And let me tell you that money couldn't have come at a better time... It just reminded me how great God is... I went from one day wondering how I was gonna pay for school to the next day having my next two quarters covered!

I went to my small group yesterday, and it was so great to be back. I hadn't been in so long because of basketball, and now that basketball is done I can get back into my old routine. I let things get in the way of things that have meaning. Not that coaching basketball wasn't a great experience, one that I plan on doing again and again, it just take up a lot of time... I will just need to learn how to balance it better next year.

I am going to get my taxes done on Friday, and I can't wait to see how much money I get back. I am hoping its enough to pay down my credit card, and take a trip either to Arizona with my cousins or to Missouri to see my friend Stephanie. Its all up in the air right now.. I just want to go somewhere during Spring break. Get away for a while. See places I haven't seen before, do things with fun people. I am really hope I get enough money back. If not that's ok too...

I have noticed lately that I haven't had time for any of my friends. Some of templates I haven seen since the end of December. I haven't had time for my own family seeing them late at night when I get home from work/school/basketball. I am ready to get my life back. Get all the things that are most important to me... I think God lets you go off track, so you can realize just how important He is in your life. And how important its is to be surround by positive people and and positive things. God has a reason for everything. That's what I love about Him. I never have to worry (now doing that all the time seems impossible)... I try my hardest to leave it in God's Hands. Which is a complete turn around from how I used to be...

East TO West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest'cause
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from
You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to meJesus,
You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy
I find rest'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

By Casting Crowns

College, Basketball, and a little Laugh!

I have now been in college for 4 weeks and let me tell you... I LOVE it! I never thought that I would love going to school. I guess there's something about learning new things. I have been taking an English class, which is easy since I am a decent writer. And a Psychology class which I love as well. I am learning new things everyday. I even enjoy studying... weird!

I think I like my english class so much because there's a very handsome guy in there. Funny Story... First day of class I sit in the front row, and out of the corner of my eye I see someone sit down, but I don't want to look. I can tell that its a guy and that he might be cute. After about 10 minutes I finally get the courage to sit back in my chair a little, and BAM... I see one of the cutest guys ever. haha... Now he's not the normally musclely guys I usually think are hot... He's just your everyday guy. He has glasses and wears vans... seriously... Maybe he's the reason I have started to do my hair everyday... That't probably one of the main reasons I look forward to this class. Its only 2 days a week and we meet for 2 and 1/2 hours... My school schedule keeps me very busy. Right along with basketball practice or games everyday...

Basketball season is coming to a close atleast for my C team.. So far this year we are 9-4... which is really great! My girls have improved so much since the beginning of the season. You can tell that they are really enjoying themselves... I love to see the smiles on their faces after we win, or hear their encouraging words after a loss. I have created great relationships with all of them, and I look forward to the season to come. Varisty's season is hopefully going to last at least one more month.

I honestly can't wait to have alittle more free time. Time to go to my small group... I really miss all the great people there. I miss the encouraging words. Soon very soon I will be there!

Chances not taken.

Secrets of 2010 will stay just that. Secrets. I decided this year that I would leave them there. Why drag them with me to 2011? There secrets for a reason right. The funny thing is with 13 seconds left of 2010 I had the chance to tell at least one secret. And I missed my chance. Missed my opportunity. . . . The chance that I have prayed for. I remember taking a deep breath, and letting out. . . "Well, I guess my secrets will just have to stay in 2010."

This one particular secret popped into my head. One secret that I have been holding in for a while now. Since late winter early spring. A secret that might not change anything or could possibly change everything. I think this year I will pray for the strength to let it go. To move on from it. The strength to let things be. Maybe I should pray for courage to really talk about my feelings. Maybe I will pray for understanding. This year is going to be different. This year I am going to try my hardest to let Jesus guide me in every way. I am going to really try to put my hope in Him. All of my Hope. Things will work out however they are supposed. And maybe in 2010 they have worked out how things were supposed to. Maybe things were meant to go unsaid. Hmmm... that's quite possible.

There will always be missed opportunities and missed chances, but the great thing about God is that He will always create new ones. So if a new chance pops up... I won't hesitate to take it. Whatever it may be. Feelings can't be forgotten or left behind. Feeling are always going to be with you, at least until you do something about them. So in 2011, my feelings will not go hidden. My feelings will not go unsaid. So here't to the many great things in 2011, and even the not so great things.