Looking back.

I have been neglecting this blog, and I feel bad!

God has blessed me in so many ways, how could I forget to tell the rest of the world. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and digging deep here lately, and I find myself standing as tall as ever. And not on my own, but on the shoulders of something, rather someone much more powerful then myself. Trusting in someone else is normally a very hard thing for most to do. It's easy to trust half heartedly, but to trust someone with your entire being is hard, very hard, but I think I am getting the hang of it.

I have a peace that I have never felt before. I feel love for someone that I have never felt before. I trust in the Lord completely. Now at times I fail, and I fall. And recently I fell really hard, but this time was different. I wasn't alone in my hurt, I wasn't by myself. I didn't feel that I failed myself, but someone more important. I failed the Lord. There were two things I could do about it. I could go back to being old Kendra. The Kendra that did things for herself. The Kendra that I have fought so hard to let go of. The Kendra that was about doing things because they felt good. I sat in my room with a heavy heart. I had feelings of embarrassment, shame, and defeat. This time I chose to do something I never would have before. I asked for forgiveness, and not just from God, but from everyone I hurt or lied to along the way. Did the shame go away instantly no, did the embarrassment go away instantly no. But the heavy hurt I had been caring around since the first lie flew out of my mouth went away instantly. And everything go easier after I asked forgiveness from God, then my friends.

I was told, "Kendra you have to let it go... It's in the past, and can't be changed. Let it go!" And after beating myself up, I let it go. I let that go, and with that went my past. With that I was new and improved. I hadn't realized I was dragging my past around with me until I failed. I fail everyday. I am a sinner. And I think its what I learned that has changed me yet again. Changed me into someone who is content waiting for His's plan for me to unfold. I am content with everything God has given me. I am very blessed. I wake up everyday thanking God for getting me through the night. I find blessing in the smallest of things. I find myself thanking God more and more each day. I find myself learning more and more everyday.

I was baptized a year ago Monday... I look back on that day, and I laugh. I have never been so scared in my life. So afraid to look up at my family. To look up and see the faces of people who were so happy for me. I was scared to say something wrong. Scared of everything. I was scared to give myself fully to Christ. To trust with all my being in Him. I knew thats what I wanted, and over the year thats what has come to be. I can't help, but ask myself, "what were you really afraid of?" I think I now know the answer... Failing. And at that time I don't think I realized that regardless of my downfalls, God chose me... He picked me... He loves me... I know that now... Of course I have to remind myself of that everyday. But life is so much better when you can trust in someone who knows exactly what He is doing.