Cut Deer.

Some people apparently don't find the things I do to be funny at all... But oh well... This is one of those stories that involves my almost 3 year old niece Molana... Boy is she a hoot! So she and I were reading the book Johnny Appleseed and she points to a picture in her very cute little voice that seems to know every word she says , "what's dat?" I tell her it's a deer and get a brilliant idea to show her a real deer. My boyfriend had went hunting a few weeks prior and had sent me a picture with him and his buck... And I thought it was a great idea. Well the buck is already being skinned and was cut in half... So I enlarged the picture on my iPhone and showed Mo Mo anyway... She looked and looked and was amazed at the dead deer... Then she did what anyone who knows how to use an iPhone would do... She double tapped the screen and what did she find... A dead deer with only half a body... Now here's where my teaching skills lack... The poor girl... Her mouth dropped and she says with not a smirk on her face.. "Oh my! It's only half! Hims dead?" And I looked at her and started to laugh... I didn't know what to say... And she started laughing... And laughing and before you know it she toppled over laughing... And then she looks at me and says, "it's not funny.." I couldn't control myself... Then I showed her the next picture, and it was of me and just the deer antlers... She said with a sad look on her face... "You cut hims ears off. Dat not nice." And I told her that when you eat the deer you keep the antlers... And she said "you don't eat hims... Dat nasty.." I seriously couldn't stop laughing... And as she scrolled back and forth between each picture asking more thing and noticing more of the picture she made a face with he tongue sticking out her mouth... And goes "I look like hims..."

Well today I got a text from my sister... It has been about a week since my niece has seen the deer picture and she asked my sister to see the "cut deer" and at first my sister had no clue what she was talking about... And Molana told her "Kendra's cut deer.." Moral of the story... Dot show 3 years olds pictures of practically butcher deer... Lol

The Push

So over the years I have wrote about the ups and downs of my life.  I have wrote about my walk with the Lord, and finding love.  I have wrote about the things I love and the things I hate.  I have tried so hard to allow people just a glimpse into my life. I have tired to be as open and honest as possible. And I know that I have offended people from time to time.  I have found and lost myself plenty of times.  I love being about to express myself through writing.  I have found the most release being able to share, and just give a little of myself to everyone who reads this blog.  I have tossed around the idea of deleting this blog,  I got to thinking and this blog is mostly about a girl was searching for someone to love her.  And as embarrassing as that is.. I looked back at the posts, and realize all of those stories have led me to exactly where I am today.  They helped me grow and learn, and without them where would I be?  I definitely wouldn't be in my current relationship... I would probably be a giant man hating bad word.  I would be too beaten down to be open to a new relationship.  I would be angry and bitter.  I think that I would be to angry to really trust and believe in my relationship.  A girl lost and out of control.

So with that said, I am thankful. I am happy.  Really truly happy for the first time in a very long time.  I am excited for the future, and have a new energy to get things accomplished.  I don't think that I have ever had so much drive to get something done so I can move on to the next phase of my life.  School is my #1 goal right now... get that done... and finished.. so I won't have that holding me back from being with Aaron whenever I want to be.  Get that done... and a bunch of new possibilities open right up.

I am excited for what the future holds, more excited then I have ever been before.  You can ask all my close friends, and they will tell you... There's this new something about me.  It's crazy when you can see your life changing, and your not afraid of that change... But so excited you can't wait.  So here's to getting school done... the push I needed to finish something so important. 

New and Improving...

Every once in awhile to boost my confidence lol... I post some before and during pictures... I say during because my weight loss journey is far from over... I like to post pictures because I am finally happy... I am loving life with out all the extra baggage.  Since July 2011 I have shed over 40lbs... I have went from squeezing into a size 16 to nearly a size 10.  It seriously feels amazing.... I have taken up a new hobby... Kickboxing!  And I love it.  Not only do I do one class... every Monday and Thursday I do 2.... Kickboxing has its benefits... I get to burn calories, and throw punches and kicks... what could be better!  Here's some pictures...

This is me in June 2011 and me as of last weekend

Dustin and Rayann's Wedding (I enjoyed the double take from a fellow classmate)

I enjoy having a skinnier face!

At Shawn and Tiffianie's Wedding

The last picture happens to be my favorite.  I realized that I don't look like the fat sister anymore.  I am confident in showing my entire body.  I enjoy how I look now... And I cannot wait to reach my goal of being in a size 8!  It's going to happen... and I am not going to stop until it does!

Open Book

As I am sitting in my room thumbing through all my old journals (thank heavens those journals can't talk)  I realize there an underlying theme.  And hello... you would think that I wouldn't be wrapped up in those same stupid situations.

I started journaling when I was 21... that's five years of great stories.  Stories of heartache, fun, and many ups and downs.  I have a passion for writing.  Writing of the my triumphs in life, and of my set backs.  I always say that these journals will be around when I have kids, and they can read my stories.  My life.  My truth.  They will know that these are the truths.  The truths that I might not share with my kids.

My life is an open book, and lately has been more open than ever.  And like most people do, they instantly jump to the worst case scenario.  I am off track, and getting wasted at every opportunity. No one stops to ask, they assume and pass judgement.  I just have to laugh because I know where I am at.  I know what I am doing.  And I am not doing it alone.  I have a great support system.  I don't think people get it though.  I am in a rough spot.  A spot that isn't where most people struggle.  For the past 2.5 years I have been struggling between the church and my family.  Trying to find a balance.  Trying to make my church friends happy, and keep my blood family happy.  I realized I wasn't doing a good job.  I needed to find a balance, and right now... I am just trying to find somewhere in between.  And if people see that as something bad, then that's on them.  That's a choice that they are making.  I love my family.  And that will never change.  I am searching for a place I belong.  I am looking for a church that provides what I need.  I need to be surrounded by people in my situation.  As crazy as it might seem, thats what I need right now.

Pictures say a thousand words... and maybe I should delete my Facebook because when I post a picture of me at a bar, that doesn't mean I am wasted.  It doesn't mean I have even had one drink.  Let's take my family reunion weekend.  I have a lot of young cousins, cousins that I don't get to see all the time.  So we all decided to head to the bar after a day of hanging with our huge family to spend some more time together.  To enjoy a few drinks and way more laughs.  Instantly after I post a picture of that I get grief for being in a bar.  I don't get it.  It's ok to drink at home behind close doors, but not to have a drink with my cousins at the bar.  It's confusing.  I just have to smile because I know what I am doing.  And to have people question me makes me wonder.  The worry that people are feeling is crazy, and unneeded. I don't need to judgement either.  I just need people to understand, that I don't want to live the life I used to live.  I don't want to be that person again.  I know where my relationship with the Lord is, and the constant questioning from everyone else isn't needed.  It only pushes me farther away from you, and makes me search for new friendships.

Here's another thing you'll find in my journal....

I take time to write to the Lord.  I ask for forgiveness.  I ask for things I need, and let the Lord determine the things He wants to give me.  And I write about how precious his love for me is, and how thankful I am.  I am not perfect.  I sin, just like everyone else.  I ask for forgiveness, and I repent for my sins.  Sometimes it takes me longer to ask for forgiveness.  I am a child of God, and I don't always do what I am called to do.  I need to make adjustments in my life, and I write about those too.  No one knows my struggle unless they ask, but they don't ask... I feel like they judge.  And maybe I feel the judgement because I am wrapped up in sin, or maybe not.  That's something worth writing about. :)


Edit:
So when reading back this blog... I realized that people might think my current church is a very judgmental place... When in fact it's full of people who love and care about me. A place where I have learned alot, and have been mentored by amazing women. It's a phenomenal church. I just feel I need to find a church that has single women my age that understand my struggles, and my needs... And I think I will be able to find this else where. I hold all the people in my church in my heart, and have nothing but love for each and everyone of them. I have learned a lot and have grown into who
I am today because of them. I think that I will be able to be an example to my current town. An inspiration to people who used to know the old Kendra... And I want everyone to know that I felt judged by one person... And when writing it came out like everyone was judging me... And that's not the case. I know I am loved, and I know that the people that really know me, know where my relationship is with the Lord, and they know that I don't want to be the Kendra I once was...

New Me.

So I have recently lost 30lbs, and have reached my high school weight. And honestly I haven't been trying so hard.  I have cut out all things bad for me.  Picked up the exercise slightly, and find myself out and about moving more.  I just wanted to share some before and during pictures.

BEFORE

DURING 

New Years Eve in my little black dress!

22lbs lighter here 

CURRENTLY

This is me at work the other day in jeans that I haven't been able to fit into in 3 years.  I wore another pair of those jeans today... and they had no stretch!  

My Goal: lose another 20lbs

My baby sister doesn't like this goal... She told me today that I am getting to skinny and am no longer "perfect huggable size." (She would tell me this when I would tell her that I was fat or chubby) She told me that she doesn't want to be wrapping her arms around me and herself when she hugs me.  I couldn't help but think how very blessed I am to have a sister that loves me no matter what size I am.  She has always saw my beauty even when I haven't.  Michaela Hazelann, your words me more to me then you will ever know.  I love you dearly little Sis! 

Missing Pieces.

I find myself not doing anything I normally do.  I find myself forgetting to journal and write down my thoughts.  I find myself really hoping and praying that the middle of February gets here quick.  I need my routine back.  I need to feel normal again.  And I have come to the conclusion that will not happen until I get my Tuesday night small groups back.  Until I get the people I love so very much back.  Don't get me wrong I have loved these past 3 month of basketball, and I will probably continue to do it for years to come, but I need my friends.  I need to be around the people that mean so much to me.  My mentors, the women and men who have taught me so much.  It's crazy how I feel so lost without them and there constant encouragement.  Soon I will be back, and soon things will be normal again.

Moving.

Yeah Buddy!  I am moving out of my parents house, and I seriously couldn't be more excited.  I am really ready to move out on my own.  Well not all on my own, away from my family.  I love them, but there comes a time when I need to grow up.  I mean my mom still pretty much does everything for me.  And I think that it's time I create my own way and my own path.  I am really thankful for my parents they have been there through everything and taught me so much, but I am ready. 

God has really laid this all out for me.  I have been praying for a place to go, and He presented one for me.  I mean he really laid out on a silver platter.  I have been praying for a while for some where I could go.  Some where closer to everything else that I love.  My church, small group, all my friends... Everything is in Yakima.  So that's where I am headed.  A couple about my age has asked me to move into their basement.  And I thought about it prayed about it, everything seemed to be right... The only thing that would hold me back would be the cost.  Right now I am so very thankful because where I had sent my limit isn't anywhere close to what I will have to pay.  I am so very happy!  God is so faithful.  He continues to bless me each and everyday!!

So as of February 1st I will be all moved out of my parents house and moved into my new home.  Boy, I cannot wait to see what else God has planned for me this year!!

The Push.

Plenty of times in my life I have fallen short of reaching my goal.  Plenty of times I have pushed for something and not pushed hard enough.  So from now on ... when I set a goal I am going to try my hardest to reach it.  Like my new weight loss challenge.  As so of you know I have lost 25 lbs. Normally by  now I would have given up and moved on to something else, but I want to reach my goal.  I already feel so much better.  For once in a long time I am walking with my head held high.  I feel so confident.  I want to lose about 20-30 more pounds, and I know I can do it.  I cannot give up. I will not give up.  I am giving myself until my 26th birth.  That's 5 months for a rocking new body.  The thing is... its not about wanting to look better... its about being healthy and happy.  So here's to the next goal in my life.  The one that I will be achieving...

I not only want to be healthy because I want to feel better, but I want to have more energy.  Being a lazy bum, just isn't something that I want to be.  It's something I used to be... So I would love a little encouragement throughout my newest journey.  

You.

The funny thing is.. As I think more and more about last week... I keep reminding myself that letting you go was a long time coming. Feeling a weight instantly being lifted off my shoulders as I walked with my head held high out of your house. Yes, tears were falling because I will honestly miss your company. You made me laugh, and filled the empty spot in my heart. The empty spot I allowed you to create. Nine months is a long time to be living a lie. I wanted so badly for you to want me as much as I wanted you... Nine months I waited, and things were great for the first month, then you decided you didn't want me. But I hung around... You kept the hope alive. Taking me to the movies, holding my hand, putting your arm around me... Kissing me like I was the only girl you ever wanted to kiss again. Showing me the affection I thought I was missing. I put friendships on hold for you, and I was even willing to let some of them fall apart. Lies and deceit was all I knew with you. One lie to this person, turned into two lies to that person. I am sitting here feeling free. Feeling... Not broken. It's funny because when I look back, I couldn't me more thankful, you opened my eyes to a lot. Made me aware of who I really am. Made me value myself, made me realize that even though my heart was in the right place my mind definitely wasn't. I wasn't seeing clearly. I wasn't thinking straight. I was ignoring all the signs that you weren't the right one for me. You are nothing like the right guy will be like. The right guy will value me as much as I value myself. The right guy will love me... And treat me with respect. You did none of that, but I allowed it. I continually went back for more. I allowed myself to feel alone, and sad. I thought that it was all part of the process... The process where you change your mind, and fall madly and deeply in love with me. It just wasn't the case because as we grow father and father apart the tighter I held on. You mentioned dating someone else... I don't think I have ever felt more broken, and for a month and a half... I felt sick to my stomach every time you would call or text me, but I always answered and I always gave in. Not this time... This time... All I have to do is remind myself... That I am the daughter of the King, and that means I know the Lord has someone perfect for me. Someone who will treat me like the amazing, funny, thoughtful, hardworking, Jesus loving, caring Princess God created me to be. I won't be an option, and I sure won't be the one doing the chasing... So from now on you will only be a memory to me. Only a time in my life that I had to go through to realize how lucky I am that the Lord forgives. I will not use this as an excuse.... I will grow and learn from it. My life will be better, so I thank you. I thank you for everything... You made me stronger... Made me more aware of myself, and my flaws. You made me aware of my temptations, and of the things I lust after. So today, tomorrow, and forever more... I will look back and smile because I have grown in this situation. I have changed... You renewed my love for the Lord, and my want to please only Him. He's all that matters. It's tough to follow your heart... But I will never regret doing so.