24

Birthdays. Some people dread them. I embrace them. I love birthday parties. So this year I am having one. A small one. Only close friends and family. A time to celebrate me. I will be 24 this year. And I am excited. To most 24 isn't an exciting birthday, but to me 24 is going to be my best year yet. I always figured I would be married by 24. Have atleast one kid by 24. Definetly not be living at home at 24. Sometimes plans don't work out. I have learned that only one plan matters... His plan. So I have thrown away all my unrealistic plans, and I have decided to really trust in God's plan. To roll with it... It took me almost 24 years to realize this. So thats why 24 is going to be my best year. I am living my life a little differently. Living my life the way it was intended. 24 is something to celebrate.


(I hope I get the bicycle I have been asking for... haha)

Unexpected...

I recieved an email from an old friend last week. A friend that I had since middle school. And since we graduated high school we have talked here and there. It was an email that started out like any other, with the how are you type questions. We had been dicussing doing her hair, (as most of you know I am a hairstylist) and she was trying to step up a date. Well then the email turned into something I would have never expected... It was a pleasant surprise to say the least. Here's what she said:

Also, Kendra...I just wanted to say that I am so happy for you. It sounds like you are truly trying to make a difference in your life. I can relate to all your posts. I often just make myself have a bad day for no reason because I allow myself to have negative thoughts. You have always been such a fun happy person to be around and I just want you to know that you have always brought a smile to my face. I do not think you have a clue how many peoples lives you impact with your giving spirit! You were always the person that took care of everyone's hair before basketball games, dances...etc. I know that is a silly example but it is the truth you always put people before yourself.

It was a great feeling to know that someone noticed my giving heart. Someone that I would have never expected. We went on to chat and I realized that we are both in the same spot in our lives. We are both trying to make a difference, both reaching for the same goals. We are both changing for the better, surrounding ourselves with positive people, and loving our new found selves. I went on the tell her that my only struggle is how to balance my new self with my old self. I don't want people to put me down and call me a fake because I have changed. She went on to tell me that the people I want in my life will except me for who I am, and the ones that don't I probably don't need them in my life anyway. I had never really thought about it like that.

My life has changed, and it will continue to change. I have become someone I have longed to be my whole life. Someone I can be proud of. I have been searching for this girl for a long time. I have a long way to go still, and I am striving to be the best I can be everyday. I am making the changes needed. I am not fighting them. I love myself for the first time in a really long time. I love my whole self not just bits and pieces.

I'll cry for you...

Last night at my Mom's 50th birthday celebration my sister and her family were about to leave. My little newphew Giovanni ran over to give me a kiss and a hug before he left... He looked at me right in the eyes and said "I'll cry for you Kendra!, I'll cry for you!" It about broke my heart... I could see tears welling up in his little eyes. At first I didn't know what to tell him... And then I promised him I would come and visit. I asked him if that would be ok... and all he kept saying was "but I'll cry for you Kendra!" I grabbed him, hugged him again, pulled his hood over his head and told him that I would come over and visit him. He finally agreed and off he went... as he walked away he turned back and said one more "I'll cry for you!" but this time there was no more tears, just a smile, and a promise from his aunt. This whole situation made me think. It made me realize that I don't spend enough time with my nieces and nephews. I have to make time for them. I will make time for them. They are are all so special to me. I go weeks without seeing them. And before I know it they aren't going to want to hangout with their aunt. So from now on I am going to make an effort to see them more. Time is precious.

Understand

I occassionally write poems, some have reasons behind them... most don't. I remember the night I wrote this. I remember sitting on my bed. I was really down, not feeling like I knew what to do next. I remember being angry, and upset. I never felt so alone... I feeling my life was moving, but I was going anywhere.


Understand

As I sit on my bed I begin to cry
Everyday I ask God why?

I ask for my purpose,
I ask for my plan,
I ask if He can just reach out His hand.

I need guidance today.
I need hope for tomorrow.
If I can't have it for keeps,
I'll ask if I can borrow.

Many nights and days go by
Many days I wish I could fly.
So I could fly up and meet you
And ask you face to face why?

Why don't I know my purpose?
Why don't I know my plan?
Why do I feel like you won't reach out your hand?

All this is really hard for me,
But one day I hope to understand.
That this is all in your great big plan.



I now understand. I lacked faith. I lacked trust. I wasn't willing to put in the work. I had no relationship with the Lord. I was traveling through life alone, but now I have God by my side. And I am trying everyday to get closer to Him. So I may not know my exact plan or even my purpose, but I now have faith, trust, and I am willing to put in the work.

Mistakes of A Dumb Girl...

This is a story of a dumb girl. A girl who followed her heart instead of her head. A girl who knew better. A girl who made mistakes with good intentions. Who gave her all. This story is Me.


I have made plenty of mistakes in my life. Plenty of errors. Plenty of oh nos and whoops'. Plenty of shoulda, coulda, wouldas... The list is endless. There are mistakes in my life that I have moved past, forgotten about. There many mistakes that have gone unnoticed by other people. But why do I continue to make the same mistakes when it comes to guys? I allow the hurt and pain. I am a really strong person - on the outside. I have a tough shell. People don't know about my crying late at night because of a mistake that could have been prevented. A mistake that didn't have to happen. No matter what the situation... even if I am right... I still feel like maybe if I had done something different, if I wouldn't have made that one mistake, everything could have worked out. I continuely beat myself up over mistakes. Mistakes that had nothing to do with me. Nothing to do with my actions. My actions were pure and true. I pride myself on the truth. Maybe I am to prideful? I always say if you don't want to know the truth, don't ask me... With me you always know my intentions. I don't want anyone to ever be thrown off like I was. Lead to believe one thing and shown another, but that wasn't my mistake. And I haven't be able to get that through my thick skull. I haven't been able to just realize that my minor mistakes will never out do his major mistakes. My minor mistake was putting all my time and energy into him... Time I won't be able to get back. He made some major mistakes. Ones that he will have to learn to deal with. Ones that hurt me. Ones that made me cry. Ones that made me sick. Sick to my stomach in the worst way. One that he will have to live with. Those were his mistakes and not mine. I have to realize that's what he chose. I have to realize I did what was in my heart, and that was my mistake. I knew this is how it would end. With me on the short end of the stick. Following your heart instead of your head isn't always the best choice. I think sometimes your head is trying to protect your heart.


I made a mistake last night. A huge one at that. I decided to do something I would instantly regret. I contacted the man that hurt my heart. And it was a very childish thing. A very unlike me thing to do. It got me no where. No where at all. Except all the pain, hurt, and feelings came rushing back. Emotions that I thought I had dealt with. I thought that I had worked past them. I have been the bigger person this whole time. It pains me to know that I sunk to his level. And then what do I do? I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for him. For myself. I need guidance. I need everything to be alright. I prayed that I never make that same mistake again. Hopefully this mistake won't cost me. My hopes are that it will go unnoticed. I can move past it. Forget it ever happened. Or I can turn to the one man I know will help me get through it. And that's my plan.

Listen..

Today I decided that listening is something that I should do more often. You hear some pretty interesting things when you just listen. I was at work, working on a regular client that comes in once a week to have her hair set. She's 90 and full of wisdom. I don't think I had ever just stopped and listened to her. Today I listened. And she talked... I never realized she had so much to say. So much about stuff that I love. She talked of books, and love, and family. All things that I have went on and on about. This time I listened. Listened to her stories of how much she cares for one of her nieces, since she never had any daughters of her own. And how she was so excited to see her. She talked about her son who was going to be come from Alaska to visit her. She told me she prays that I will find a man to love me and take care of me. She told me I deserve it. She has always asked me about my love life or lack there of. And I have never really told her, but today she caught me. She caught me mentioning a guy I had mentioned once before. She just smiled and asked me to tell her a little about him. So I did.I told her of the reason I thik he's in my life. Told her that I think its God just telling me not to give up on men. And that theres still good guys out there. I told her that I started to attend church. Mind you she goes to church everyday. And all she said was that everyone needs a little religion in their life. We talked about Lorna Doone, Sense and Sensiblity, and Pride and Prejudice. She told me stories of when she was in school and how she skipped out on reading Pride and Prejudice because she had read it one to many times. I laughed and smiled. We talked of traveling and friends. She told me stories of her favorite emerald ring. And I reminded her my birthday is in May. She is a very wise women. A women with so many stories to tell. And in reality all she needs is someone to listen. So from now on I think I am going to take a little more time to just listen. I learned all this in just half an hour. Just imagine if I would have been listening for the past 3 years. She has been sitting my chair every Tuesday for the past 3 years and I am barely deciding that she just needs someone to listen. Barely realizing that. Hopefully I have atleast another 3 years to catch up.

The Haha's and HeHe's

Have you ever been in a quite room and through the wall you can hear laughing? And the first thought that came to your mind was "I wonder what they are laughing about?". I love laughing. I tell jokes to make people laugh. I steal jokes to make people laugh. I am self proclaimed joke stealer. Don't whisper your joke to me because I will say it out loud and get the whole room to laugh.

Laughter. It never grows old. And there is so many things to laugh about. I love the slient laughter. The type that comes after you laugh so hard no more chuckles or sqeaks will come out. The type that is achieved by the tightening of all your stomach muscles and your oxygen supply being almost cut off. Oh the joy laughter can bring. On the gloomiest of gloomy days, I can always find something to laugh about. Something that brings a smile to your face followed by a little chuckle.

I got to thinking about laughing and what if there wasn't anything to laugh about. What if one day there was no more jokes to be told, no more laughs to be heard? That had to be one the worst things ever. What would the world be like with out laughter? Without things to make you laugh? Slient. Boring. No more laughing to yourself. No more crying because you can't control your laughter. That would be a world I would not want to be a part of. My life is one big huge continuous laugh. Laughing makes me feel good. I never go a day without laughing... I laugh at my own expense. I will make a fool of myself if I notice your having a bad day. I am happiest when I am making other people laugh. I will continue to laugh. Laugh everyday. Laugh every hour if possible. Its good for the soul. Good for your mind. Its even better for your heart.

So I will laugh. And I hope you do too!