Moving.

Yeah Buddy!  I am moving out of my parents house, and I seriously couldn't be more excited.  I am really ready to move out on my own.  Well not all on my own, away from my family.  I love them, but there comes a time when I need to grow up.  I mean my mom still pretty much does everything for me.  And I think that it's time I create my own way and my own path.  I am really thankful for my parents they have been there through everything and taught me so much, but I am ready. 

God has really laid this all out for me.  I have been praying for a place to go, and He presented one for me.  I mean he really laid out on a silver platter.  I have been praying for a while for some where I could go.  Some where closer to everything else that I love.  My church, small group, all my friends... Everything is in Yakima.  So that's where I am headed.  A couple about my age has asked me to move into their basement.  And I thought about it prayed about it, everything seemed to be right... The only thing that would hold me back would be the cost.  Right now I am so very thankful because where I had sent my limit isn't anywhere close to what I will have to pay.  I am so very happy!  God is so faithful.  He continues to bless me each and everyday!!

So as of February 1st I will be all moved out of my parents house and moved into my new home.  Boy, I cannot wait to see what else God has planned for me this year!!

The Push.

Plenty of times in my life I have fallen short of reaching my goal.  Plenty of times I have pushed for something and not pushed hard enough.  So from now on ... when I set a goal I am going to try my hardest to reach it.  Like my new weight loss challenge.  As so of you know I have lost 25 lbs. Normally by  now I would have given up and moved on to something else, but I want to reach my goal.  I already feel so much better.  For once in a long time I am walking with my head held high.  I feel so confident.  I want to lose about 20-30 more pounds, and I know I can do it.  I cannot give up. I will not give up.  I am giving myself until my 26th birth.  That's 5 months for a rocking new body.  The thing is... its not about wanting to look better... its about being healthy and happy.  So here's to the next goal in my life.  The one that I will be achieving...

I not only want to be healthy because I want to feel better, but I want to have more energy.  Being a lazy bum, just isn't something that I want to be.  It's something I used to be... So I would love a little encouragement throughout my newest journey.  

You.

The funny thing is.. As I think more and more about last week... I keep reminding myself that letting you go was a long time coming. Feeling a weight instantly being lifted off my shoulders as I walked with my head held high out of your house. Yes, tears were falling because I will honestly miss your company. You made me laugh, and filled the empty spot in my heart. The empty spot I allowed you to create. Nine months is a long time to be living a lie. I wanted so badly for you to want me as much as I wanted you... Nine months I waited, and things were great for the first month, then you decided you didn't want me. But I hung around... You kept the hope alive. Taking me to the movies, holding my hand, putting your arm around me... Kissing me like I was the only girl you ever wanted to kiss again. Showing me the affection I thought I was missing. I put friendships on hold for you, and I was even willing to let some of them fall apart. Lies and deceit was all I knew with you. One lie to this person, turned into two lies to that person. I am sitting here feeling free. Feeling... Not broken. It's funny because when I look back, I couldn't me more thankful, you opened my eyes to a lot. Made me aware of who I really am. Made me value myself, made me realize that even though my heart was in the right place my mind definitely wasn't. I wasn't seeing clearly. I wasn't thinking straight. I was ignoring all the signs that you weren't the right one for me. You are nothing like the right guy will be like. The right guy will value me as much as I value myself. The right guy will love me... And treat me with respect. You did none of that, but I allowed it. I continually went back for more. I allowed myself to feel alone, and sad. I thought that it was all part of the process... The process where you change your mind, and fall madly and deeply in love with me. It just wasn't the case because as we grow father and father apart the tighter I held on. You mentioned dating someone else... I don't think I have ever felt more broken, and for a month and a half... I felt sick to my stomach every time you would call or text me, but I always answered and I always gave in. Not this time... This time... All I have to do is remind myself... That I am the daughter of the King, and that means I know the Lord has someone perfect for me. Someone who will treat me like the amazing, funny, thoughtful, hardworking, Jesus loving, caring Princess God created me to be. I won't be an option, and I sure won't be the one doing the chasing... So from now on you will only be a memory to me. Only a time in my life that I had to go through to realize how lucky I am that the Lord forgives. I will not use this as an excuse.... I will grow and learn from it. My life will be better, so I thank you. I thank you for everything... You made me stronger... Made me more aware of myself, and my flaws. You made me aware of my temptations, and of the things I lust after. So today, tomorrow, and forever more... I will look back and smile because I have grown in this situation. I have changed... You renewed my love for the Lord, and my want to please only Him. He's all that matters. It's tough to follow your heart... But I will never regret doing so.

Christmas Letter

Dearest Friends,

I cannot believe this year has come and is almost gone. My life as some of you know has been busier then ever. I have started coaching High School girls basketball out in Selah, and I love it more then ever. I love being in charge of my own team, and so far we are 4-1. On top of coaching I am attending YVCC full time to get my transfer degree... I am one year in and hopefully I will be finished by spring of next year. Keeping my fingers crossed I don't lose my drive and determination. School did help me lose 18 pounds, and gave me the little push I needed to keep losing weight. I am looking to be a new and improved Kendra in 2012.

I have also been helping with my church's youth group, and what a blessing that has been. Crossed Out Student Ministries has been just want I have needed in my walk with the Lord. I have seen some amazing growth not only in the students, but in myself. I got the chance to head up to Camp Dudley with COSM, and boy did that place bring back so great memories. We spent 3 days there learning about Jonah, and I had a fabulous time! I got the chance to spend some much needed time with McKenzie and Michaela. And what a blessing it was to be in a place that's so great!

Well hopefully my family can hold itself together this next year. Michaela just had knee surgery, my brother has a cracked tibia... And I will be headed to the doctor sometime this week to see if I have any damage to my knee. I was squatting down at my game on Thursday, and twisted funny when I went to get up, and my knee popped twice and has been tender ever since. So prayers that it's nothing would be much appreciated.

Over all this year has been one amazing year. The Lord has blessed me tremendously! I am looking forward to everything this coming year has to offer. Many blessings to you and your families. Love you all!!

Kendra

Questioning...

So this question has been bugging me all day... Is it EVER ok for a girl to tell a guy that she has feelings for him? And if so, when? I have asked countless friends, both guys and girls... And I have gotten mixed reviews. One friend stated, well "have you been flirting with him?" And I thought well I think so... In all honesty I am not the flirtiest person. I mean do I need to twirl my hair and bat my eyes at him?

Another friend told me... "why would you? He'll come around." And I thought to myself really? After 10 months of having a crush on someone, and wham he comes around? I don't know, but thanks.

I am always going back to if he likes you then he will pursue you. If he really liked me, then I am sure he would pursue me. Unless he's not sure I am interested. Yes, we talk more, have even hungout together. Things have changed. But I promised myself that I would not go back to how I used to do things. My heart matters more to me and having to patch it up again just doesn't sound appealing.

Maybe I am just getting tired of waiting around. I think right now I am the only one waiting around. I think this whole question sprung from my insecurities. I am afraid if I don't say something, he might choose someone else. He might decide that being my friend is enough. If I don't say something... But I always say something, and it winds up with me either sad or broken hearted.

I always play the what if game in my head... I say... Well what if he thinks we don't have enough in common... So I try something he likes... That didn't work out so well, but I tried. Maybe I should hang where he hangs... What if he comes when I am there... I am seriously out of thoughts. Until I realized it's not about my timing, and what I want. It's not about showing up and being in the same place he is. I am not in control. It's about trusting in the Lord with all my heart. It's about knowing that what ever He has in my plan is perfect. It's being content with everything He has given me. So I won't say anything to the guy I have liked for a while now. I have to trust in the Lord. He knows if he'll come around or not. It's about taking the friendship that He has given me, and enjoy that as much as possible. It's being thankful that I now have an amazing Christian friend that I know I can depend on... He makes me laugh... Who I enjoy being around... And more importantly God helped restore my hope in men.

Honestly, if I learn anything from this entire situation... It will be there are good guys out there. Guys who love God with there whole hearts, guys who treat you with respect. Guys who love their family and friends. So for that I will be forever thankful.

My list.

I am now aware of a few things in life. Here's my list.

1. Don't fall for a guy who doesn't acknowledge your presence. Example: you are standing in the same room not more then 5 steps away, and you don't even get a nod in your direction.
2. Laugh all the time, and don't care who's listening.
3. Always know God is in control.
4. Don't become a hermit crab, and stay at home all time. Go out and enjoy yourself once in awhile.
5. Even friends will say cruel things. Usually means they were never really your friend.
6. Love with your whole heart. Even if your heart gets broken you will have learned something.
7. Find a true friend, and hold on to them tight even if they move halfway acrossed the country.
8. Patience. Probably the hardest thing for me because I want to be loved so badly.
9. Love your family regardless.
10. Always wear to different socks. It's just more fun that way.
11. Forgive as you were forgiven. This is a big one that I have yet to master. It's just a tough one for me.
12. Wear clothes that make you feel comfortable. Who cares what the magazines are saying.
13. Buy a pair of cowboy boots.
14. Tell the truth. Always.
15. Acknowledge the people who have made a difference in your life. They might not know it, and it's also nice to hear.
16. Set a good example. You seriously never know whose watching.
17. Don't sell yourself short. You will only get in the way for the great things God has planned for you.
18. Wear high heels every once in a while.
19. It's ok to cry.
20. It's ok to make mistakes, as long as your willing to fix them.
21. Never feel alone. God is always right by your side.
22. Pray often and in everything.
23. Don't be afraid of change.
24. Try something new every once in awhile. And if you don't like it... You never have to do it again.
25. Read. Read. Read. There's so much amazing information out there. Go find it for yourself.
26. Open your eyes. Remove the blinders, and soar.
27. Don't fear the unknown. Believe God has put you exactly where He needs you.
28. Exercise every once in a while... You will always feel better when your done.
29. Write things down. That way when you die your kids can go back and read your thoughts.
30. Get more then one perspective on a situation. It always seems to make things more clear.
31. Enjoy time with others.
32. Don't be afraid to meet new people. It never hurts to have more friends.
33. Smile.
34. Enjoy the little things in life. They can add up to big things.
35. Live for something other then yourself.
36. Never be afraid to really say what's on your mind. Someone is always willing to listen.
37. Encourage others.
38. We were meant to be courageous.
39. Always try your hardest.
40. Rekindle old relationships with long lost friends.. Especially if you don't know why your stopped being friends.
41. Live a little.
42. Don't do something to try to impress the guy you like. If he likes you... It will be because your you.
43. You live, you learn, you crash, you burn. And that's alright.
44. Never stay angry.
45. Show someone that you care. Reach out and lend a hand every once in a while.
46. Always keep something that means something to you... Even if it's cluddering up your room.
47. Watch at least one scary movie by yourself. It gives you a whole new meaning to Nightmare on Elm Street.
48. It's perfectly on to be you.
49. Don't let months and months pass by without saying something to the handsome guy that goes to your church. You wind up in situation #1.
50. Follow your heart.
51. Take time to just play with your kids. They love it when a grown up acts like a dead turtle. Makes them smile... And what's better the that.
52. Enjoy your alone time.
53. Enjoy a beer or a glass of wine every once in a while.
54. Never be afraid to show your true feelings.
55. Dance. In front of the mirror. In the kitchen. Professionally. However. Wherever.
56. Hope. Never give up hoping. If one door closes, never doubt another one will open.


Honestly I could go on forever. I have learned alot in my 25 years. Do I completely follow all of these things all of the time. Nope. But do I try... Yes. Maybe you should make a list. Oh yeah...

57. "If he wants you... He will pursue you." I am still waiting for this to happen, and it will someday. Until then I will continue to work on me.

Fighting the Urge.

Yes, I have been hoping and planning and sometime scheming to get things to go my way.  This time I am not going to do any of that.  This time I will follow his lead.  This time I am not going to force something that's not there.  I am going to allow him to be the man.  The man that I have always wanted.  I am not going to chase him.

If I haven't learned anything in these past few months then seriously my eyes must have been shut, ears closed, and my head must have been covered by a blanket...  For the past year and half I have been living by the motto "If a guy wants you... then he will pursue you."  But only with a certain someone... the rest of the "men" I have encountered haven't been what I have needed or wanted.  As I step back from those situations and really examine them, I notice the same pattern.  Me.  Everything Me.  I let my wants and desires get in the way.  I pursued them... and honestly you can't pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued.  And what was I doing?  Yes, I have a very dominate personality.  A very take the lead way of doing things, but as I think and pray I realize that sometimes it is necessary to relinquish control.  Not only to God, but to the guy I like.   I also realized that a lot of men aren't willing to put them  selves out there.  They are timid... so maybe taking a backseat will give him the confidence he needs...

I was sitting in my Western Civilization class last Friday, and I wrote a list of things I need my partner to be.  I need him to be a Godly man, someone who will eventually lead our family.  Someone who can make me laugh at all times, and in all circumstances, and finally someone who makes me a better person.  My list isn't long, and honestly it used to be.  It used to be filled with trivial things like... he has to be over 6 foot, handsome, has to come from a big family, has to have a car, and a job.  He has to make such and such amount of money.... blah blah blah...

I also realized that it's not about what a man can provide for me, but what can I provide for him.  Where's that list been?  I have to be prepared... I am not only looking for someone special... I am sure they are looking for the same.  So instead of making a laundry list of must haves for my future husband... I decided it would be appropriate to make one about me for him.  I don't think it's really necessary for me to share it with everyone, but I think it was an eye opening experience.  I really thought about it.  Where can I be better?  What needs to change in my life?  How can I prepare myself?  I think it takes a lot to really look at your weaknesses and admit that you need a little help or guidance.

I hope that one day my future husband will read this, and realizes that I have been along with the guidance and help of Jesus Christ preparing myself for him.  I know that I need to allow the guy to lead. And that's going to be hard for me.  So to the same guy I wrote about in my "If he likes you... He will pursue you" blog... I'll be here graciously waiting... And yes everyone in care you are wondering... Things have changed since I last wrote about that certain situation.

So from now on I will be fighting the urge to take the lead... I will be sitting back praying for my future husband.  :)