"Somebody To Love Me"
Kellie Pickler
Sometimes the night seems so long
When you lie in bed all alone
And tomorrow seems so far away
I don't wanna live another day this way
Scared to let someone in
Can't bear to get hurt again
But my body needs to feel a touch
Someone come and wake me up
I just want somebody to love me
I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me
Don't wanna let life pass me by
Never knowing what it's like
To be as real as real can be
To share my life and know my dreams
I just want somebody to love me
And I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me
'Cause I'm hurt and I'm scared and I'm lonely
All I want is somebody to want me
'Cause I've got so much to give
I just want somebody to love me
I just need somebody to hold me
Somebody to love me
As I am sitting here I am really thinking about Love. Love. I know what its like to love my family and friends. And I have witnessed true love, but I have never known true love. Love with another person. Someone you feel you can't live without. Never once felt it. Experienced it. Now I have experienced "puppy love", the feelings of possiblity, but never full blown with all your heart and soul Love. I known that I will. And I know that I have to be patient. My time will come when I am ready. Do I question why I haven't found love... Everyday. Does it make me question myself... Everyday. Maybe I am doing something wrong... But I know that being me is what I need to be. Its what someone will fall in love with. So I will wait, and be patient... My day will come. I have my entire life to love. I am just hoping it doesn't take my entire life. :)
Will I ever get the chance to love? Will I really know how to love? Is loving someone easy? Is it even supposed to be easy? I guess I will know when I get the chance to really love...
Love. It was once explained to me that its a choice. You to choose to love someone. And at first I wasn't so sure... but not I really do think you choose to love someone. I know a few couples that have been in serious committed relationships and both thought that they were going to be together forever. Until one deiced they could no longer love the other. They chose to not love anymore. Or love in the say way. I will probably question love until it falls in my lap.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Released
Smiling. I have the biggest smile on my face. I woke up this morning and for the first time in a long time I felt like everything was alright. I felt like the world wasn't crashing down on me and the weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Relaxed. Happy. In complete bliss. Now the question is why? Friends. Friends with nothing but time to listen to my troubles. Being surrounded by friends you haven't seen in a while and all they want to do is listen. Listen to your stories of recent heartbreak or troubles at work. It doesn't feel like I am forcing them to listen. They listen because they are interested in whats going on in my life. Not that my best friends at home aren't because I know my best friend would drop anything to listen to me. But its different. Its a feeling like they are focusing 100% on me. Offering advice, but not to much. Talking, but not talking to much. It means alot and it is exactly what I needed.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sober.
Alcohol. Something I used to consume every weekend. Not because I needed to, but because I wanted to. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with your friends and having a few drinks. Maybe doing a little dancing or singing a little karaoke. I always enjoyed the taste of alcohol. Until one night... one night was all it took.
December 5th 2009 was the last day I had a drink. I woke up the next morning feeling tired and sick to my stomach. Not totally sure of the nights events. I decided that the night before would be the last time I consumed any type of alcoholic beverage. Its not because I couldn't control my drinking. It was a personal choice. One that I could be proud for making. I am not the type to have one drink and be ok with that one drink. I always felt like whats the point of drinking if you weren't going to get drunk. I just think I had finally realize that I had forgotten what it was like to have fun without drinking.
A few years back I lost a friend in a drunk driving accident. I still think about her from time to time. Wondering what her life would be like if she was still here. What if she wouldn't have gotten in the car that night? I never want anyone to be thinking those type of things about me. So I have made the choice to stay sober. I have decided that I want to be in control. You can't control the choices of others, but you can decided what best for you. I still go out, but I now drive. I drive my friends from here to there. I feel comfortable behind the wheel because I am in control.
The hardest part of this whole not drinking thing is explaining it to people. Most people automatically assume that I have a drinking problem. They assume I can't control myself. They say well I didnt think you had a problem. I just shake my head and laugh. Then then I go on about how I wanted to remember how much fun things can be without alcohol.
So here I sit almost 90 days with out a drink of alcohol. 90 days is something I can be proud. Something my parents are proud of. I am not saying that I will never have another sip of alcohol. This is a test. A test to prove to me that if I set my mind to something I can achieve it. My birthday is coming up, and my friends have been asking me if I am going to drink on my birthday. And for a while I thought that I would, but then I realize that I haven't had a sober birthday since I was 17. I'll be 24. So I have a desicion to make. A choice. To drink or not on my 24th birthday.
To be continued...
December 5th 2009 was the last day I had a drink. I woke up the next morning feeling tired and sick to my stomach. Not totally sure of the nights events. I decided that the night before would be the last time I consumed any type of alcoholic beverage. Its not because I couldn't control my drinking. It was a personal choice. One that I could be proud for making. I am not the type to have one drink and be ok with that one drink. I always felt like whats the point of drinking if you weren't going to get drunk. I just think I had finally realize that I had forgotten what it was like to have fun without drinking.
A few years back I lost a friend in a drunk driving accident. I still think about her from time to time. Wondering what her life would be like if she was still here. What if she wouldn't have gotten in the car that night? I never want anyone to be thinking those type of things about me. So I have made the choice to stay sober. I have decided that I want to be in control. You can't control the choices of others, but you can decided what best for you. I still go out, but I now drive. I drive my friends from here to there. I feel comfortable behind the wheel because I am in control.
The hardest part of this whole not drinking thing is explaining it to people. Most people automatically assume that I have a drinking problem. They assume I can't control myself. They say well I didnt think you had a problem. I just shake my head and laugh. Then then I go on about how I wanted to remember how much fun things can be without alcohol.
So here I sit almost 90 days with out a drink of alcohol. 90 days is something I can be proud. Something my parents are proud of. I am not saying that I will never have another sip of alcohol. This is a test. A test to prove to me that if I set my mind to something I can achieve it. My birthday is coming up, and my friends have been asking me if I am going to drink on my birthday. And for a while I thought that I would, but then I realize that I haven't had a sober birthday since I was 17. I'll be 24. So I have a desicion to make. A choice. To drink or not on my 24th birthday.
To be continued...
Monday, February 22, 2010
Right Path
I feel like I have so much to say... So here I sit writing my 3rd blog of the day. Today has seriously been one of those days. One of those days when something is off. And that something you can't seem to put your finger on.
I have had so many different ideas to where I want to take this blog. My mind has been going around and around. I really want you, the reader, to know me... Know my struggles, my constant battles, my happiness for life. The ins and outs of my thoughts. I am a thinker... I think alot, my thinking keeps me up at night. Sometimes I wonder if I even got to sleep. I think about my family, my friends, my journey, and if I am on the right path.
Being on the right path is something I have truely been struggling with. I feel maybe I decided to go north when I was supposed to go south. I am on the right path to discovering true happiness... I question it everyday. I question myself. I doubt myself. I lack trust in myself. And until recently I felt alone. Lost in a great big world with no one. How can you feel alone when you are surround by the masses? A huge family, caring friends and coworkers, God. I had forgotten about God for awhile. Afraid to lean on Him. Afraid to ask for guidance. Not anymore. I will no longer allow myself to feel alone. I am never alone. He's only a prayer away.
People that know me might read this and say "Kendra she doesn't have a relationship with God.. and here she sits talking of one..." And you know what a month ago I would have said the same thing. A month ago I was a completely different person. A person who didn't need anyone to preach to her. A person who believed in God, but would only go to Him in times of great need. A person who didn't want to spend her Sunday mornings in Church. I feel differently now. I am in the process of building a relationship with God. Still not sure of how to go about it. But I learn a little more with service... and everyday I feel a little closer to Him. I now know I am not alone. He's all around me. I have to learn how to trust in Him and His plan for me. And I will and I am willing to take the time to learn how. I believe in Him. Its starts with that.
I have had so many different ideas to where I want to take this blog. My mind has been going around and around. I really want you, the reader, to know me... Know my struggles, my constant battles, my happiness for life. The ins and outs of my thoughts. I am a thinker... I think alot, my thinking keeps me up at night. Sometimes I wonder if I even got to sleep. I think about my family, my friends, my journey, and if I am on the right path.
Being on the right path is something I have truely been struggling with. I feel maybe I decided to go north when I was supposed to go south. I am on the right path to discovering true happiness... I question it everyday. I question myself. I doubt myself. I lack trust in myself. And until recently I felt alone. Lost in a great big world with no one. How can you feel alone when you are surround by the masses? A huge family, caring friends and coworkers, God. I had forgotten about God for awhile. Afraid to lean on Him. Afraid to ask for guidance. Not anymore. I will no longer allow myself to feel alone. I am never alone. He's only a prayer away.
People that know me might read this and say "Kendra she doesn't have a relationship with God.. and here she sits talking of one..." And you know what a month ago I would have said the same thing. A month ago I was a completely different person. A person who didn't need anyone to preach to her. A person who believed in God, but would only go to Him in times of great need. A person who didn't want to spend her Sunday mornings in Church. I feel differently now. I am in the process of building a relationship with God. Still not sure of how to go about it. But I learn a little more with service... and everyday I feel a little closer to Him. I now know I am not alone. He's all around me. I have to learn how to trust in Him and His plan for me. And I will and I am willing to take the time to learn how. I believe in Him. Its starts with that.
To Give or not to Give
I always give way more than I recieve. Its just in my makeup. I always give give give, and hardly take. And usually in the end, I am the one who ends up with the short end of the stick. There has been many times in my life when I have said "Never again will this happen to me!" And what ends up happening... You guessed it.. I get hurt, walked all over, used, and thrown aside. But there's something inside of me that keeps on giving. I used to not know what it was, and I am still working on the reasons for it... I definetly think it has to do with the Big Man upstairs, and His plan for me. I recently started to attend church... at first because my best friend sings in the worship band, but now I go for me. I go to find something I have never had before. Maybe an answer to my questions of why me? Why do I give so much and end up hurt so often? Yesterday at church I got an answer I had been seeking... Not sure of the song the Worship Band was singing but the words hit heavy on my heart... and brought tears to my eyes... As I looked down at my best friend I had never been so thankful for anyone. She's the reason I give. She's the constant reminder that my giving doesn't go unanswered. And the way she gives so much of herself to other people is amazing. So selfless... And never expectant of anything in return. I learned something yesterday... I learned that regardless of my setbacks... I will always have her, and she will always be there after I have given to much, and she will be my constant reminder that its ok to give and not recieve. But even more importantly I learned that I can count on God. I always knew that He was there, and I believe whole heartedly that He put my best friend in my life because I needed that reminder. A reminder to give with no expectation. To love with no strings attatched. To feel with your whole heart. I still have alot to learn, but now I feel that I can give. Give time, energy, love, laughter, and smiles.. anything and everything with no expectations.
To be continued...
To be continued...
First of Many...
I have been keeping a journal for quite awhile now. Never sharing my thoughts, feelings, or emotions with anyone. A private way for me to vent. Vent my frustrations, triphums, heartbreak, set backs, and everything in between. I write because it helps me see things clearer. So why not share those thoughts with other people. People that want to read about me and my life. I write for me. I will contiune to write for me. And maybe along the way I will help you see something clearer. My life is a constant to be continued... A continuing of the happy times, sad thoughts, and meaningful memories. Ups and downs and more ups. I take whatever has happened that day and write. I write from the heart. I write in times of confusion. I write in times of joy or sadness. So bare with me as I write... and maybe you will learn something.
To be continued...
To be continued...
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