What I was looking for...

(This post was written over about a weeks time)


For a while now I have felt like I needed someone to talk to. Someone who didn't know me well... someone who wouldn't judge. I needed a good Christian women who could help me grow in my love for Christ. I needed someone who knows more then I do. Someone who had loved Jesus for along time. Someone that I could rely on. A mentor of sorts. Someone I could look up to... Well with little searching, I found someone who is exactly that. Tyffany has shown me and taught me things I never thought I needed to learn.



I went over to her house the first day, not thinking that this would be an every week thing, not thinking that she would have a plan. Just to talk. Get some of my feelings out. Well I now look forward to hanging out with her and her amazing family. From our reading and discussing of James. To coloring and playing with the kids. To talking about love and selfworth. To running outside playing Star Wars... Everything about this experience has been so unexpected. I have someone that holds me accoutable, and someone who challenges me to do things I normally wouldn't do. She has given me the push that I have needed.



I set out a while ago on a qwest to further my relationship with the Lord, and there are days where I want to give up and revert back to how I used to be. It was easy... doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted... but really who wants that type of life. Who really wants to be unhappy? Not me. My life has turned into something I could have never imagined... something so special. And I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for the Lord. I believe He is in control of everything.


Sitting outside of Starbucks yesterday having my weekly get together with Tyffany. I realized that God has put me exactly where he wants me. He is using me in some many unlikely ways. So many things to be thankful. He has put a lot on my heart lately. Struggles with boys (yes boys not men)... the best thing is I have really come to realize that God has that perfect Man out there for me... and waiting for him is something that I have become ok with because I know that he will come when God wants him to. The Lord is perparing both of us so that when its time we will be ready! And thats such a great feeling... We talked of family life and studied James Chapter 4, and we both came the realization that we have been meeting for 5 weeks already. 5 weeks have went by so quickly... James 4 talks about not judging people and I found this verse to stick out the most...


"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, one who can save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?" James 4:12 (NIV)


Isn't that so powerful... I do it all the time, but as of late the Lord has really put in on my heart to do a better job at not judging... And I can tell that I have been... I used to think an evil thought and not think twice about it... but now I have a "whoa" moment... a moment where I am like who am I to sit in judgement of that person.. I don't know their story... Would I want someone to pass judgement on me? No...

We have also been studying Ephesians 5... And the first two verse are almost overwhelming...

"Be imitator of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2 (NIV)

Be an imitator of God. Really? Sounds pretty tough, and I think thats the point. If God was like everyone else could you imagine what the world would be like? I am thankful I have someone to look up to. Someone so special that no other man is like... someone that I can try and be like. I have to say that I really am trying to be an imitator of God... and do I mess up, oh yes I do, but do I ask for forgiveness and try again... Yes... I think when you stop trying is when you are going to run into a lot of problems. Try with your whole heart. Give with your whole heart.


I am continuing to seek God with all my heart. Its a never ending journey, but one worth continuing...

Until Their Gone.

You never realize how much someone really means to you until their gone. And it doesn't hit you at first. It might take weeks, months even. I sit here now with a pain in my heart. I miss my Papa. I miss him so badly. I just wish for one second he was here so I can tell him of the new crazy adventure I have planned for my life. Or just to hear him say "I'm just resting my eyes." I miss him chiming in at the right time. I miss his chuckle. I miss the way he looked at my Grandma. I miss a lot about him. Everything.

I haven't been to his grave since his burial. I just can't muster up the courage to go. I tell myself I will. I know he's gone. He's better off where he is. He's not in pain anymore. He's not hurting, but I am. I have been walking around like nothing is wrong. I have been telling myself its better this way. Be strong. Mom needs you. I have been telling myself don't cry in front of Mom, she needs you to be tough. Be the tough girl she raised you to be. My heart hurts. I find comfort in Christ. I know He will provide whatever I need. I just have to be strong enough to ask.

I have a hard time going to my Grandma's... sitting in my Papa's chair. I can see the hurt behind her eyes. I think with time it will get easier for me atleast. I worry about my Grams. It's been a tough 3 1/2 months. Its only been 3 1/2 months. Today was the first day I let myself cry since the day after his funeral. Todays was the first day I let myself really fall apart. I think that's what I needed. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow it will be easier. I trust in my Lord Jesus Christ. My hope is in Him. He will work everything out. He will shield my family from the hurt. He wrapped his arms around us and will continue doing so. I have faith. My faith is strong. My faith is growing and each day that pass I long to do good for Him.

I know my Grandpa is looking down on me with a big Papa grin. That makes me smile! I miss you Papa! I miss you alot! I know Grandma misses you dearly, we all do, and I am going to do a better job at taking care of her because I promised you I would.

Rambling

According to my best friend... days shouldn't be wasted laying on the couch just because I miss her. And you know what... she's right... I shouldn't have wasted today laying around... I should have been up and doing! Well things happen right... Things to make you go hmmm...

I am supposed to be cleaning and rearranging and moving everything in my room... but.. One I think there's a mouse living in my bedroom and thats one of the major reason I haven't moved everything back in there... Two, I really am kind of sad to be living back at home. Definitely going to miss Debbers... Three, it makes everything at little more real. A little more like my life is going in a totally different direction... and am I ready... I surely hope so. There's one major difference though... I have God on my side... Never had that before. And I know he's going to make sure everything falls into place. Yeah there will be bumps along the way... Struggles and hardships, but those are what make me stronger.

On a random note... I am now a blonde. Not literally... well I did fall down 3 stairs and sprain both of my ankles but that was long before I bleached my hair... haha... I love blonde hair! Even though I know that I look better with brown hair. Blondes have more fun right? Not true! My life has been boring, but who's fault is that... MINE!

I went yesterday and tried my bridemaid's dress on for my cousin Amanda's wedding and boy is it a pretty dress, and I am super excited about her wedding! I can't wait, and honestly I can't believe it the wedding is only a month away... Great things are in store for Manda and Valentin!! YAY!!