In Life.

Sometimes in life you don't get the things that you think you deserve. Like the guy that you have liked for almost a year now or an endless bank account over flowing with money. And sometimes you allow yourself to sit and pout. You allow yourself to get caught in the things that really don't matter. I do that, and for some reason I continue to do it. Things in life aren't fair, and God has His reasons. And the one thing that I struggle with is that God is allowed to put you through struggles, put you through the lowest lows... The one thing that I have to remember is that he doesn't do it because he's melicous or because he wants a good laugh. There's lessons to be learned. He's giving you the reasons to lean on Him. To turst in Him.

I know that my plan is all figured out... Where I am going to be in 10 minutes, and the months and months I have left to live are all figured out. The perfect man for me... the chance to be a great mother... Or perhaps none of that. I don't know and I will learn to be happy with whatever Christ gives me. The most important thing is that I continue to be happy in Him. Not in worldly things. Not in the things that won't mean anything.

I need to be able to lean on God. . . . all the time. . . . I need to do better at studying His word. And at loving HIM and everyone else.

Something New.

Christmas is only a few short days away and I am not ready. I still have tons on my list to do. Tons of treats to be made, and presents to be wrapped. I haven't had much time here lately with basketball 24/7. Well thats what it seems like anyway. I am enjoying every minute of it though. Anyway back to Christmas and what its really about. I used to be one of the selfish children. The one who would get mad if they didn't get exactly what she wanted. The one who would pout because her brother got more gifts. And honestly it wasn't until I had a job that I learned what Christmas was all about (or atleast I thought I did). Giving. Not getting. Which is a vast improvement from my younger years. I enjoy giving. Giving and giving.

I believe this is the first year that I look at Christmas totally different. Christmas isn't about Santa. Reindeers. Or elves. Its about the birth of Jesus Christ. The birth of the man who died for my sins. This is the first year that I will be more then thankful for that. The first Christmas that things have been a little different. Christmas for me has a different meaning. And I honestly feel that Christmas has a different meaning for my family.

As we were walking out of Costco yesterday... the lady at the door said "Have a great Christmas" and I looked at my Mom and said, "What if you don't celebrate Christmas?" Her reply, "To Bad..." And as we walked over to the car I leaned over to my littlest sister and said "I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ..." My Mom must have heard me because she turned around and said "That's right." If that doesn't make you happy then I honestly don't know what will. My family might not attend church, they might not read the bible as frequently as I do, but I know they have a special place in their hearts for Christ. Each and every day God shows me a little more. He gives me that glimmer of hope. He tells me not to give up on them. And I won't. I can't.

This years Christmas is going to feel different for sure. Yesterday my littlest sister and I were in Shopko and we were walking around, and we walked passed these flannel jackets. Flannel jackets remind me of my Papa. We would get him a new one almost every year. I stopped to touch them, and I for some reason smelt my Papa. . . . I smelt his musky smell. . . . The smell didn't linger it was there and then it was gone. This year will be hard. This year will be the toughest. I miss him so much.

For some reason at the right time my 3 year old nephew reminds me what its like to love someone or something so much... He was over visiting on Sunday and he told me "When you love somebody, they are in your heart forever." Now this isn't the first time he has said something that has brought on instant tears... but I will save that one for a blog of its own.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS!