Big Breath. This is going to be a doozy. Sometimes life takes you by the hand, and leads you exactly where you need to be. Lately I have felt that life hasn't been so nice to me. Instead of guiding my gently I feel like I have been thrust in to a world of chaos. From school to work to everything in between I have been going nonstop since school started up. I find myself feeling overwhelmed. Questioning if I am really do what I should be or am I wasting valuable time doing things that aren't going to matter. All these feeling are something that I have never felt before. I now super from test and quiz anxiety. I find myself worried every day if I am going to make to class, small group, work, and youth group on time. These feeling I have never in my life experienced. So I did what I could do, I would go through everyday pretending like everything was alright. I would feel guilty about taking time to do something for myself when I could be doing homework, cleaning, or the 100 other things... after 6 weeks of feeling the weight of the world was on my shoulders I just couldn't take it anymore...
So I finally did something about it. I had to talk to someone... Someone who is wise beyond his years. Someone I have gotten to know over the past few months. I stopped at the church office and let it all out. And Rick not only listened... He really opened my eyes. He helped me to look everything, and helped me realize that some of the stuff I had been carrying around wasn't mine to carry. I wasn't trusting the one person who has never let me down. Allowing God to help my get through everything. I have been so wrapped up in what's not right that I stopped paying attention to what is right, and so beautiful. I have been a Christian now for almost 2 years, and I could not be more happy. My relationships are now built on God. I strive to be the best COSM leader that I can be. I found myself feeling guilty about my love for God. Only because that means relationships I used to value just aren't that important anymore.
I also found myself really wondering if I should be in school or not. I had never questioned this. EVER. Because I always felt like God lead me there. God has opened so many doors for me. Paying for my schooling... and just providing everything I need. Well as this quarter has gone on I have really began to wonder if I should be at school. And actually saying those words to Rick, I realized... How stupid Kendra... I knew God had led me there... He had opened every single door.
So what could go? What could lighten my load? Small group? COSM? School? Family time? Studying? Friend time? All these things are very important to me. All of these things make up who I am. So after praying about it, I realized some of the other stuff had to go. Like the guilt, the feeling of not being "good enough", the negative self talk... all the garbage of life. That way I will have time for all the great things that God has provided for me. I realized I need to trust the Lord, trust that He knows exactly what he is doing.
My life hasn't just been all downs... there has been a ton of ups, but I will have to save them for a later blog...
