Greatest

Yesterday happened to be one of the Greatest days of my life... Why you might ask? Well I woke up with a sense of urgency. A hunger to learn... I had an extra pep in my step, and I was really looking forward to getting back to church. After missing the past two weeks because I was out of town. I couldn't wait to see my SVC family and hear Pastor John preach the word. I was looking forward to catching up on what I missed in Sunday school, and seeing some family I had been missing greatly. Well you might think that because this was one of the greatest days in my life that everything would have gone perfectly... Well it didn't according to the above, but it went better.

As I walked into the Gym, it dawned on my that this weekend was SVC's huge camping weekend, and as I looked to the front of the gym I didn't see who I had expected... A little discouraged I asked my friend Heather where Rick was.... and if his class had been moved... She again reminded me that Rick was camping and Chuck would be teaching the class today... We chatted a few more moments and I went to sit down. I even considered going over to the Youth Group building... Well I am more then glad I stayed. God has this funny way of showing me my sin when I don't really want to see it. Chuck talked about many things that are going on in my life... and really opened my heart and mind to a new thinking... Romans 6:11-14 states "In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in you mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sins, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace." HELLO KENDRA!!! I battle the same sin every week... And the funny thing is I know exactly what to do about it... I occassionally give in, and I say it won't happen again, and it does. But this time I am going to take furthers steps to ridding myself of it...

After Sunday School I sat outside... it was hot, but I wasn't ready to go into the sanctury yet. I sat there for 10 minutes, thinking and praying. Soaking up the beautiful day God had provided us with. I sat there thinking, "Kendra, you can do it!" I looked up and there was my Iddy Biddy (Kaela) and I got a smile on my face... "Show her... Be her example... She needs you..." All of this popped into my head as I stood up and told her, "I just thought that I would wait for you out here..." Iddy Biddy smiled and we walked in and sat down together... I was looking at the bulletin, and realized that Pastor John wouldn't be preaching today. And I thought, "great..."

And as you probably already know... (since this was one of the Greatest Days of my entire existence) Dr. Todd Miles preached an amazing sermon. I don't think I have ever been more impressed with a guest speaker. He preached about Adpotion... and honestly I had never thought about being "adopted" into God's family. All these converstation about adoption I had had with friends... I remember telling my friend, "I would never adopt." "I want kids of my own." "I just can't see myself being a good mom to someone else's kid." How selfish is that. How horrible were those thoughts. I left church thinking... God adopted you... God took you in and loves you. Really? Yeah, Kendra really... Sometimes you don't even realize that something is missing until God brings it right to you on a silver platter... I was definitely in the right place at the right time. Every child desevres to be loved... And I honeslty can't believe I didn't think that before.

I am sure that I will have other "great" days, and God will continue to work in my life. Things like this just prove to me that God loves me unconidtionally, and His timing couldn't be more perfect.

Looking back.

I have been neglecting this blog, and I feel bad!

God has blessed me in so many ways, how could I forget to tell the rest of the world. I have been doing a lot of soul searching and digging deep here lately, and I find myself standing as tall as ever. And not on my own, but on the shoulders of something, rather someone much more powerful then myself. Trusting in someone else is normally a very hard thing for most to do. It's easy to trust half heartedly, but to trust someone with your entire being is hard, very hard, but I think I am getting the hang of it.

I have a peace that I have never felt before. I feel love for someone that I have never felt before. I trust in the Lord completely. Now at times I fail, and I fall. And recently I fell really hard, but this time was different. I wasn't alone in my hurt, I wasn't by myself. I didn't feel that I failed myself, but someone more important. I failed the Lord. There were two things I could do about it. I could go back to being old Kendra. The Kendra that did things for herself. The Kendra that I have fought so hard to let go of. The Kendra that was about doing things because they felt good. I sat in my room with a heavy heart. I had feelings of embarrassment, shame, and defeat. This time I chose to do something I never would have before. I asked for forgiveness, and not just from God, but from everyone I hurt or lied to along the way. Did the shame go away instantly no, did the embarrassment go away instantly no. But the heavy hurt I had been caring around since the first lie flew out of my mouth went away instantly. And everything go easier after I asked forgiveness from God, then my friends.

I was told, "Kendra you have to let it go... It's in the past, and can't be changed. Let it go!" And after beating myself up, I let it go. I let that go, and with that went my past. With that I was new and improved. I hadn't realized I was dragging my past around with me until I failed. I fail everyday. I am a sinner. And I think its what I learned that has changed me yet again. Changed me into someone who is content waiting for His's plan for me to unfold. I am content with everything God has given me. I am very blessed. I wake up everyday thanking God for getting me through the night. I find blessing in the smallest of things. I find myself thanking God more and more each day. I find myself learning more and more everyday.

I was baptized a year ago Monday... I look back on that day, and I laugh. I have never been so scared in my life. So afraid to look up at my family. To look up and see the faces of people who were so happy for me. I was scared to say something wrong. Scared of everything. I was scared to give myself fully to Christ. To trust with all my being in Him. I knew thats what I wanted, and over the year thats what has come to be. I can't help, but ask myself, "what were you really afraid of?" I think I now know the answer... Failing. And at that time I don't think I realized that regardless of my downfalls, God chose me... He picked me... He loves me... I know that now... Of course I have to remind myself of that everyday. But life is so much better when you can trust in someone who knows exactly what He is doing.

Its been a Year.

I purchased a new journal. I had filled up my last one. I enjoy writing in my journal. I love reading back. . . especially in my old old journals. Reading about things that aren't important to me now, but were so important to me then. Times have changed. My focus has moved from one end of the spectrum to the other. I enjoy where I am way more. I enjoy the satifaction I get from it. I enjoy the feelings I get from it. I am happier now then I was then. I am stronger now then I was then. I think I am more caring now then I was then. I have set my goals higher and I know they are achieveable. They are achieveable with what I have now. Its been a year since God placed himself in my life. Its been a year since my life has changed. A year of growing and moving, and moving back again. I have learned so much and I honestly can't wait to learn more. Life is better. Its better knowing you have a purpose. Its better knowing that if you truely want something it can be yours. My life got off track in the past month, but boy is it good knowing that regardless of the mistakes I have made, God's willing to forgive me. Life is short. I don't want regrets. I don't want past mistakes to be made again. I will try to be the best I can be. I have tried new things, and met new people. I have seen great loss, and been picked back up. This past year has changed me forever. Things have happened for a reason. Some reasons unknown. Perhaps I haven't figured them all out... I know why some people have been brought into my life, but others I may never know. Many have taught me things without even knowing. Showing me the way with out even noticing. Some have shown me what true love is. Some have shown me patience. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Timing. Timing is everything. I feel in the past year I was exactly where I needed to be. I was surrounded by the people I needed in my life.

So here's to a new journal. A journal to be filled with prayers, and quotes, and thoughts. God is great.

Midterm. Taxes. And God's Reassurance.

I am sitting at school typing this from my cell phone. I just got finished with my first college midterm. Boy am I got that its over... It definetly wasn't hard... just alot of memorizing terms. Something that I am not very good at. I just never have been a good memorizer. Now song lyric those are something I can memorize.

College gets better and better everyday. It even got better when I found out I got the Federal Pellet Grant. And let me tell you that money couldn't have come at a better time... It just reminded me how great God is... I went from one day wondering how I was gonna pay for school to the next day having my next two quarters covered!

I went to my small group yesterday, and it was so great to be back. I hadn't been in so long because of basketball, and now that basketball is done I can get back into my old routine. I let things get in the way of things that have meaning. Not that coaching basketball wasn't a great experience, one that I plan on doing again and again, it just take up a lot of time... I will just need to learn how to balance it better next year.

I am going to get my taxes done on Friday, and I can't wait to see how much money I get back. I am hoping its enough to pay down my credit card, and take a trip either to Arizona with my cousins or to Missouri to see my friend Stephanie. Its all up in the air right now.. I just want to go somewhere during Spring break. Get away for a while. See places I haven't seen before, do things with fun people. I am really hope I get enough money back. If not that's ok too...

I have noticed lately that I haven't had time for any of my friends. Some of templates I haven seen since the end of December. I haven't had time for my own family seeing them late at night when I get home from work/school/basketball. I am ready to get my life back. Get all the things that are most important to me... I think God lets you go off track, so you can realize just how important He is in your life. And how important its is to be surround by positive people and and positive things. God has a reason for everything. That's what I love about Him. I never have to worry (now doing that all the time seems impossible)... I try my hardest to leave it in God's Hands. Which is a complete turn around from how I used to be...

East TO West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest'cause
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from
You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to meJesus,
You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy
I find rest'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

By Casting Crowns

College, Basketball, and a little Laugh!

I have now been in college for 4 weeks and let me tell you... I LOVE it! I never thought that I would love going to school. I guess there's something about learning new things. I have been taking an English class, which is easy since I am a decent writer. And a Psychology class which I love as well. I am learning new things everyday. I even enjoy studying... weird!

I think I like my english class so much because there's a very handsome guy in there. Funny Story... First day of class I sit in the front row, and out of the corner of my eye I see someone sit down, but I don't want to look. I can tell that its a guy and that he might be cute. After about 10 minutes I finally get the courage to sit back in my chair a little, and BAM... I see one of the cutest guys ever. haha... Now he's not the normally musclely guys I usually think are hot... He's just your everyday guy. He has glasses and wears vans... seriously... Maybe he's the reason I have started to do my hair everyday... That't probably one of the main reasons I look forward to this class. Its only 2 days a week and we meet for 2 and 1/2 hours... My school schedule keeps me very busy. Right along with basketball practice or games everyday...

Basketball season is coming to a close atleast for my C team.. So far this year we are 9-4... which is really great! My girls have improved so much since the beginning of the season. You can tell that they are really enjoying themselves... I love to see the smiles on their faces after we win, or hear their encouraging words after a loss. I have created great relationships with all of them, and I look forward to the season to come. Varisty's season is hopefully going to last at least one more month.

I honestly can't wait to have alittle more free time. Time to go to my small group... I really miss all the great people there. I miss the encouraging words. Soon very soon I will be there!

Chances not taken.

Secrets of 2010 will stay just that. Secrets. I decided this year that I would leave them there. Why drag them with me to 2011? There secrets for a reason right. The funny thing is with 13 seconds left of 2010 I had the chance to tell at least one secret. And I missed my chance. Missed my opportunity. . . . The chance that I have prayed for. I remember taking a deep breath, and letting out. . . "Well, I guess my secrets will just have to stay in 2010."

This one particular secret popped into my head. One secret that I have been holding in for a while now. Since late winter early spring. A secret that might not change anything or could possibly change everything. I think this year I will pray for the strength to let it go. To move on from it. The strength to let things be. Maybe I should pray for courage to really talk about my feelings. Maybe I will pray for understanding. This year is going to be different. This year I am going to try my hardest to let Jesus guide me in every way. I am going to really try to put my hope in Him. All of my Hope. Things will work out however they are supposed. And maybe in 2010 they have worked out how things were supposed to. Maybe things were meant to go unsaid. Hmmm... that's quite possible.

There will always be missed opportunities and missed chances, but the great thing about God is that He will always create new ones. So if a new chance pops up... I won't hesitate to take it. Whatever it may be. Feelings can't be forgotten or left behind. Feeling are always going to be with you, at least until you do something about them. So in 2011, my feelings will not go hidden. My feelings will not go unsaid. So here't to the many great things in 2011, and even the not so great things.