Its been a Year.

I purchased a new journal. I had filled up my last one. I enjoy writing in my journal. I love reading back. . . especially in my old old journals. Reading about things that aren't important to me now, but were so important to me then. Times have changed. My focus has moved from one end of the spectrum to the other. I enjoy where I am way more. I enjoy the satifaction I get from it. I enjoy the feelings I get from it. I am happier now then I was then. I am stronger now then I was then. I think I am more caring now then I was then. I have set my goals higher and I know they are achieveable. They are achieveable with what I have now. Its been a year since God placed himself in my life. Its been a year since my life has changed. A year of growing and moving, and moving back again. I have learned so much and I honestly can't wait to learn more. Life is better. Its better knowing you have a purpose. Its better knowing that if you truely want something it can be yours. My life got off track in the past month, but boy is it good knowing that regardless of the mistakes I have made, God's willing to forgive me. Life is short. I don't want regrets. I don't want past mistakes to be made again. I will try to be the best I can be. I have tried new things, and met new people. I have seen great loss, and been picked back up. This past year has changed me forever. Things have happened for a reason. Some reasons unknown. Perhaps I haven't figured them all out... I know why some people have been brought into my life, but others I may never know. Many have taught me things without even knowing. Showing me the way with out even noticing. Some have shown me what true love is. Some have shown me patience. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Timing. Timing is everything. I feel in the past year I was exactly where I needed to be. I was surrounded by the people I needed in my life.

So here's to a new journal. A journal to be filled with prayers, and quotes, and thoughts. God is great.

Midterm. Taxes. And God's Reassurance.

I am sitting at school typing this from my cell phone. I just got finished with my first college midterm. Boy am I got that its over... It definetly wasn't hard... just alot of memorizing terms. Something that I am not very good at. I just never have been a good memorizer. Now song lyric those are something I can memorize.

College gets better and better everyday. It even got better when I found out I got the Federal Pellet Grant. And let me tell you that money couldn't have come at a better time... It just reminded me how great God is... I went from one day wondering how I was gonna pay for school to the next day having my next two quarters covered!

I went to my small group yesterday, and it was so great to be back. I hadn't been in so long because of basketball, and now that basketball is done I can get back into my old routine. I let things get in the way of things that have meaning. Not that coaching basketball wasn't a great experience, one that I plan on doing again and again, it just take up a lot of time... I will just need to learn how to balance it better next year.

I am going to get my taxes done on Friday, and I can't wait to see how much money I get back. I am hoping its enough to pay down my credit card, and take a trip either to Arizona with my cousins or to Missouri to see my friend Stephanie. Its all up in the air right now.. I just want to go somewhere during Spring break. Get away for a while. See places I haven't seen before, do things with fun people. I am really hope I get enough money back. If not that's ok too...

I have noticed lately that I haven't had time for any of my friends. Some of templates I haven seen since the end of December. I haven't had time for my own family seeing them late at night when I get home from work/school/basketball. I am ready to get my life back. Get all the things that are most important to me... I think God lets you go off track, so you can realize just how important He is in your life. And how important its is to be surround by positive people and and positive things. God has a reason for everything. That's what I love about Him. I never have to worry (now doing that all the time seems impossible)... I try my hardest to leave it in God's Hands. Which is a complete turn around from how I used to be...

East TO West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest'cause
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from
You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to meJesus,
You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy
I find rest'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

By Casting Crowns

College, Basketball, and a little Laugh!

I have now been in college for 4 weeks and let me tell you... I LOVE it! I never thought that I would love going to school. I guess there's something about learning new things. I have been taking an English class, which is easy since I am a decent writer. And a Psychology class which I love as well. I am learning new things everyday. I even enjoy studying... weird!

I think I like my english class so much because there's a very handsome guy in there. Funny Story... First day of class I sit in the front row, and out of the corner of my eye I see someone sit down, but I don't want to look. I can tell that its a guy and that he might be cute. After about 10 minutes I finally get the courage to sit back in my chair a little, and BAM... I see one of the cutest guys ever. haha... Now he's not the normally musclely guys I usually think are hot... He's just your everyday guy. He has glasses and wears vans... seriously... Maybe he's the reason I have started to do my hair everyday... That't probably one of the main reasons I look forward to this class. Its only 2 days a week and we meet for 2 and 1/2 hours... My school schedule keeps me very busy. Right along with basketball practice or games everyday...

Basketball season is coming to a close atleast for my C team.. So far this year we are 9-4... which is really great! My girls have improved so much since the beginning of the season. You can tell that they are really enjoying themselves... I love to see the smiles on their faces after we win, or hear their encouraging words after a loss. I have created great relationships with all of them, and I look forward to the season to come. Varisty's season is hopefully going to last at least one more month.

I honestly can't wait to have alittle more free time. Time to go to my small group... I really miss all the great people there. I miss the encouraging words. Soon very soon I will be there!

Chances not taken.

Secrets of 2010 will stay just that. Secrets. I decided this year that I would leave them there. Why drag them with me to 2011? There secrets for a reason right. The funny thing is with 13 seconds left of 2010 I had the chance to tell at least one secret. And I missed my chance. Missed my opportunity. . . . The chance that I have prayed for. I remember taking a deep breath, and letting out. . . "Well, I guess my secrets will just have to stay in 2010."

This one particular secret popped into my head. One secret that I have been holding in for a while now. Since late winter early spring. A secret that might not change anything or could possibly change everything. I think this year I will pray for the strength to let it go. To move on from it. The strength to let things be. Maybe I should pray for courage to really talk about my feelings. Maybe I will pray for understanding. This year is going to be different. This year I am going to try my hardest to let Jesus guide me in every way. I am going to really try to put my hope in Him. All of my Hope. Things will work out however they are supposed. And maybe in 2010 they have worked out how things were supposed to. Maybe things were meant to go unsaid. Hmmm... that's quite possible.

There will always be missed opportunities and missed chances, but the great thing about God is that He will always create new ones. So if a new chance pops up... I won't hesitate to take it. Whatever it may be. Feelings can't be forgotten or left behind. Feeling are always going to be with you, at least until you do something about them. So in 2011, my feelings will not go hidden. My feelings will not go unsaid. So here't to the many great things in 2011, and even the not so great things.

In Life.

Sometimes in life you don't get the things that you think you deserve. Like the guy that you have liked for almost a year now or an endless bank account over flowing with money. And sometimes you allow yourself to sit and pout. You allow yourself to get caught in the things that really don't matter. I do that, and for some reason I continue to do it. Things in life aren't fair, and God has His reasons. And the one thing that I struggle with is that God is allowed to put you through struggles, put you through the lowest lows... The one thing that I have to remember is that he doesn't do it because he's melicous or because he wants a good laugh. There's lessons to be learned. He's giving you the reasons to lean on Him. To turst in Him.

I know that my plan is all figured out... Where I am going to be in 10 minutes, and the months and months I have left to live are all figured out. The perfect man for me... the chance to be a great mother... Or perhaps none of that. I don't know and I will learn to be happy with whatever Christ gives me. The most important thing is that I continue to be happy in Him. Not in worldly things. Not in the things that won't mean anything.

I need to be able to lean on God. . . . all the time. . . . I need to do better at studying His word. And at loving HIM and everyone else.

Something New.

Christmas is only a few short days away and I am not ready. I still have tons on my list to do. Tons of treats to be made, and presents to be wrapped. I haven't had much time here lately with basketball 24/7. Well thats what it seems like anyway. I am enjoying every minute of it though. Anyway back to Christmas and what its really about. I used to be one of the selfish children. The one who would get mad if they didn't get exactly what she wanted. The one who would pout because her brother got more gifts. And honestly it wasn't until I had a job that I learned what Christmas was all about (or atleast I thought I did). Giving. Not getting. Which is a vast improvement from my younger years. I enjoy giving. Giving and giving.

I believe this is the first year that I look at Christmas totally different. Christmas isn't about Santa. Reindeers. Or elves. Its about the birth of Jesus Christ. The birth of the man who died for my sins. This is the first year that I will be more then thankful for that. The first Christmas that things have been a little different. Christmas for me has a different meaning. And I honestly feel that Christmas has a different meaning for my family.

As we were walking out of Costco yesterday... the lady at the door said "Have a great Christmas" and I looked at my Mom and said, "What if you don't celebrate Christmas?" Her reply, "To Bad..." And as we walked over to the car I leaned over to my littlest sister and said "I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ..." My Mom must have heard me because she turned around and said "That's right." If that doesn't make you happy then I honestly don't know what will. My family might not attend church, they might not read the bible as frequently as I do, but I know they have a special place in their hearts for Christ. Each and every day God shows me a little more. He gives me that glimmer of hope. He tells me not to give up on them. And I won't. I can't.

This years Christmas is going to feel different for sure. Yesterday my littlest sister and I were in Shopko and we were walking around, and we walked passed these flannel jackets. Flannel jackets remind me of my Papa. We would get him a new one almost every year. I stopped to touch them, and I for some reason smelt my Papa. . . . I smelt his musky smell. . . . The smell didn't linger it was there and then it was gone. This year will be hard. This year will be the toughest. I miss him so much.

For some reason at the right time my 3 year old nephew reminds me what its like to love someone or something so much... He was over visiting on Sunday and he told me "When you love somebody, they are in your heart forever." Now this isn't the first time he has said something that has brought on instant tears... but I will save that one for a blog of its own.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS!