East TO West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest'cause
You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from
You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to meJesus,
You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man
I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy
I find rest'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

By Casting Crowns

College, Basketball, and a little Laugh!

I have now been in college for 4 weeks and let me tell you... I LOVE it! I never thought that I would love going to school. I guess there's something about learning new things. I have been taking an English class, which is easy since I am a decent writer. And a Psychology class which I love as well. I am learning new things everyday. I even enjoy studying... weird!

I think I like my english class so much because there's a very handsome guy in there. Funny Story... First day of class I sit in the front row, and out of the corner of my eye I see someone sit down, but I don't want to look. I can tell that its a guy and that he might be cute. After about 10 minutes I finally get the courage to sit back in my chair a little, and BAM... I see one of the cutest guys ever. haha... Now he's not the normally musclely guys I usually think are hot... He's just your everyday guy. He has glasses and wears vans... seriously... Maybe he's the reason I have started to do my hair everyday... That't probably one of the main reasons I look forward to this class. Its only 2 days a week and we meet for 2 and 1/2 hours... My school schedule keeps me very busy. Right along with basketball practice or games everyday...

Basketball season is coming to a close atleast for my C team.. So far this year we are 9-4... which is really great! My girls have improved so much since the beginning of the season. You can tell that they are really enjoying themselves... I love to see the smiles on their faces after we win, or hear their encouraging words after a loss. I have created great relationships with all of them, and I look forward to the season to come. Varisty's season is hopefully going to last at least one more month.

I honestly can't wait to have alittle more free time. Time to go to my small group... I really miss all the great people there. I miss the encouraging words. Soon very soon I will be there!

Chances not taken.

Secrets of 2010 will stay just that. Secrets. I decided this year that I would leave them there. Why drag them with me to 2011? There secrets for a reason right. The funny thing is with 13 seconds left of 2010 I had the chance to tell at least one secret. And I missed my chance. Missed my opportunity. . . . The chance that I have prayed for. I remember taking a deep breath, and letting out. . . "Well, I guess my secrets will just have to stay in 2010."

This one particular secret popped into my head. One secret that I have been holding in for a while now. Since late winter early spring. A secret that might not change anything or could possibly change everything. I think this year I will pray for the strength to let it go. To move on from it. The strength to let things be. Maybe I should pray for courage to really talk about my feelings. Maybe I will pray for understanding. This year is going to be different. This year I am going to try my hardest to let Jesus guide me in every way. I am going to really try to put my hope in Him. All of my Hope. Things will work out however they are supposed. And maybe in 2010 they have worked out how things were supposed to. Maybe things were meant to go unsaid. Hmmm... that's quite possible.

There will always be missed opportunities and missed chances, but the great thing about God is that He will always create new ones. So if a new chance pops up... I won't hesitate to take it. Whatever it may be. Feelings can't be forgotten or left behind. Feeling are always going to be with you, at least until you do something about them. So in 2011, my feelings will not go hidden. My feelings will not go unsaid. So here't to the many great things in 2011, and even the not so great things.

In Life.

Sometimes in life you don't get the things that you think you deserve. Like the guy that you have liked for almost a year now or an endless bank account over flowing with money. And sometimes you allow yourself to sit and pout. You allow yourself to get caught in the things that really don't matter. I do that, and for some reason I continue to do it. Things in life aren't fair, and God has His reasons. And the one thing that I struggle with is that God is allowed to put you through struggles, put you through the lowest lows... The one thing that I have to remember is that he doesn't do it because he's melicous or because he wants a good laugh. There's lessons to be learned. He's giving you the reasons to lean on Him. To turst in Him.

I know that my plan is all figured out... Where I am going to be in 10 minutes, and the months and months I have left to live are all figured out. The perfect man for me... the chance to be a great mother... Or perhaps none of that. I don't know and I will learn to be happy with whatever Christ gives me. The most important thing is that I continue to be happy in Him. Not in worldly things. Not in the things that won't mean anything.

I need to be able to lean on God. . . . all the time. . . . I need to do better at studying His word. And at loving HIM and everyone else.

Something New.

Christmas is only a few short days away and I am not ready. I still have tons on my list to do. Tons of treats to be made, and presents to be wrapped. I haven't had much time here lately with basketball 24/7. Well thats what it seems like anyway. I am enjoying every minute of it though. Anyway back to Christmas and what its really about. I used to be one of the selfish children. The one who would get mad if they didn't get exactly what she wanted. The one who would pout because her brother got more gifts. And honestly it wasn't until I had a job that I learned what Christmas was all about (or atleast I thought I did). Giving. Not getting. Which is a vast improvement from my younger years. I enjoy giving. Giving and giving.

I believe this is the first year that I look at Christmas totally different. Christmas isn't about Santa. Reindeers. Or elves. Its about the birth of Jesus Christ. The birth of the man who died for my sins. This is the first year that I will be more then thankful for that. The first Christmas that things have been a little different. Christmas for me has a different meaning. And I honestly feel that Christmas has a different meaning for my family.

As we were walking out of Costco yesterday... the lady at the door said "Have a great Christmas" and I looked at my Mom and said, "What if you don't celebrate Christmas?" Her reply, "To Bad..." And as we walked over to the car I leaned over to my littlest sister and said "I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ..." My Mom must have heard me because she turned around and said "That's right." If that doesn't make you happy then I honestly don't know what will. My family might not attend church, they might not read the bible as frequently as I do, but I know they have a special place in their hearts for Christ. Each and every day God shows me a little more. He gives me that glimmer of hope. He tells me not to give up on them. And I won't. I can't.

This years Christmas is going to feel different for sure. Yesterday my littlest sister and I were in Shopko and we were walking around, and we walked passed these flannel jackets. Flannel jackets remind me of my Papa. We would get him a new one almost every year. I stopped to touch them, and I for some reason smelt my Papa. . . . I smelt his musky smell. . . . The smell didn't linger it was there and then it was gone. This year will be hard. This year will be the toughest. I miss him so much.

For some reason at the right time my 3 year old nephew reminds me what its like to love someone or something so much... He was over visiting on Sunday and he told me "When you love somebody, they are in your heart forever." Now this isn't the first time he has said something that has brought on instant tears... but I will save that one for a blog of its own.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS!

Winter.

Snow and I aren't friends. We never have been and I am pretty sure we never will be. I never enjoyed playing in the snow when I was a kid. We would get pulled by a tracor on entertubes... I would sit with my uncle in the cab of the tractor, and he would ask me every so often if I was ready to ride. My answer would always be no. I never wanted to go sledding. I love to look at snow, and drink Hot Chocolate. I don't like to be cold. I don't like to be bundled, and I hate wearing socks. And now as an adult I would have to say that I am so thankful for 4 wheel dirve. Its almost safe to say I hate winter. Spring is my season. I can't wait until the flowers start blooming and the sun shines all day.

Tied Together.

About a week ago I got a call from my best friend. It was late (her time), so I figured it was something important. And its crazy because what she called about was exactly how I had been feeling. Its crazy that we can go through the same ups and downs, and be thousands of miles apart. I find it odd that we could be thinking about eachother at the exact same moment too. Like this morning I was thinking about her while I was driving to work, wishing that I could talk to her, and what is she doing thinking the exact same thing. Crazy. Crazy. Crazy. Life is great when you have someone that you can trust. I know that God placed Carrie in my life a long time ago, but I never really realized how important she was to me until she moved away. I just think that our friendship has got a tighter bond now.

I remember her moving like it was yesterday. We woke up really early to head to Seattle so she could get on a plan to fly to DC. I just remember standing in our room, now only with my stuff, and a box of Carrie's winter things... I was looking out the window trying to hold back my tears. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was upset because my best friend was leaving me. I got my crying under control and walked out to the car where Carrie was waiting for me. I think there was about 3 times I was broke down without anyone noticing. I remember I told Carrie, that she could make new friends, just not a new best friend. I told her not to try and replace me. After picking up Nancy, and heading to Costco for a last minute laptop purchase, we were headed to the airport. I felt like my heart was being ripped out as Carrie walked through the security check point. I knew I would see her again. I just knew at very moment are lives weren't going to be on the same paths anymore. Carrie was off to the big city, and I was staying in our comfort zone. I knew at that moment I wanted to do bigger and better things. I want to make changes. I needed to make changes. Even though I was so sad Carrie was moving. I am glad she did. She made me realize I wanted to make changes to. She gave me the little push I needed to decide I was going back to school.

I cried for about 15 times on the way home. I am a sappy person... I kept telling Nancy I just don't want Carrie to replace me... Nancy looked at me and said "Kendra, Carrie might make new friends, and good ones... but there's one thing you'll always have that they don't... You knew her then, and they just know her now." And right then I knew no matter how far Carrie moves away from me... we will always be best friends. We will always depend on eachother regardless of distance. She will always be my go to girl. I will always love her like a sister. She has done things for me that I will be forever greatful for. Our bond is unbreakable.

Lately I have really missed her. Christmas is fast approaching. And I honestly cannot wait! Hurry home C!