Fighting the Urge.

Yes, I have been hoping and planning and sometime scheming to get things to go my way.  This time I am not going to do any of that.  This time I will follow his lead.  This time I am not going to force something that's not there.  I am going to allow him to be the man.  The man that I have always wanted.  I am not going to chase him.

If I haven't learned anything in these past few months then seriously my eyes must have been shut, ears closed, and my head must have been covered by a blanket...  For the past year and half I have been living by the motto "If a guy wants you... then he will pursue you."  But only with a certain someone... the rest of the "men" I have encountered haven't been what I have needed or wanted.  As I step back from those situations and really examine them, I notice the same pattern.  Me.  Everything Me.  I let my wants and desires get in the way.  I pursued them... and honestly you can't pursue someone who doesn't want to be pursued.  And what was I doing?  Yes, I have a very dominate personality.  A very take the lead way of doing things, but as I think and pray I realize that sometimes it is necessary to relinquish control.  Not only to God, but to the guy I like.   I also realized that a lot of men aren't willing to put them  selves out there.  They are timid... so maybe taking a backseat will give him the confidence he needs...

I was sitting in my Western Civilization class last Friday, and I wrote a list of things I need my partner to be.  I need him to be a Godly man, someone who will eventually lead our family.  Someone who can make me laugh at all times, and in all circumstances, and finally someone who makes me a better person.  My list isn't long, and honestly it used to be.  It used to be filled with trivial things like... he has to be over 6 foot, handsome, has to come from a big family, has to have a car, and a job.  He has to make such and such amount of money.... blah blah blah...

I also realized that it's not about what a man can provide for me, but what can I provide for him.  Where's that list been?  I have to be prepared... I am not only looking for someone special... I am sure they are looking for the same.  So instead of making a laundry list of must haves for my future husband... I decided it would be appropriate to make one about me for him.  I don't think it's really necessary for me to share it with everyone, but I think it was an eye opening experience.  I really thought about it.  Where can I be better?  What needs to change in my life?  How can I prepare myself?  I think it takes a lot to really look at your weaknesses and admit that you need a little help or guidance.

I hope that one day my future husband will read this, and realizes that I have been along with the guidance and help of Jesus Christ preparing myself for him.  I know that I need to allow the guy to lead. And that's going to be hard for me.  So to the same guy I wrote about in my "If he likes you... He will pursue you" blog... I'll be here graciously waiting... And yes everyone in care you are wondering... Things have changed since I last wrote about that certain situation.

So from now on I will be fighting the urge to take the lead... I will be sitting back praying for my future husband.  :)

Life in General.

Big Breath.  This is going to be a doozy.  Sometimes life takes you by the hand, and leads you exactly where you need to be.  Lately I have felt that life hasn't been so nice to me.  Instead of guiding my gently I feel like I have been thrust in to a world of chaos.  From school to work to everything in between I have been going nonstop since school started up.  I find myself feeling overwhelmed.  Questioning if I am really do what I should be or am I wasting valuable time doing things that aren't going to matter.  All these feeling are something that I have never felt before.  I now super from test and quiz anxiety.  I find myself worried every day if I am going to  make to class, small group, work, and youth group on time.  These feeling I have never in my life experienced.  So I did what I could do, I would go through everyday pretending like everything was alright.  I would feel guilty about taking time to do something for myself when I could be doing homework, cleaning, or the 100 other things... after 6 weeks of feeling the weight of the world was on my shoulders I just couldn't take it anymore...

So I finally did something about it.   I had to talk to someone... Someone who is wise beyond his years.  Someone I have gotten to know over the past few months.  I stopped at the church office and let it all out.  And Rick not only listened... He really opened my eyes.  He helped me to look everything, and helped me realize that some of the stuff I had been carrying around wasn't mine to carry.   I wasn't trusting the one person who has never let me down.  Allowing God to help my get through everything.  I have been so wrapped up in what's not right that I stopped paying attention to what is right, and so beautiful.  I have been a Christian now for almost 2 years, and I could not be more happy.  My relationships are now built on God.  I strive to be the best COSM leader that I can be.  I found myself feeling guilty about my love for God.  Only because that means relationships I used to value just aren't that important anymore.

I also found myself really wondering if I should be in school or not.  I had never questioned this.  EVER.  Because I always felt like God lead me there.  God has opened so many doors for me.  Paying for my schooling... and just providing everything I need.  Well as this quarter has gone on I have really began to wonder if I should be at school.  And actually saying those words to Rick, I realized... How stupid Kendra... I knew God had led me there... He had opened every single door.  

So what could go?  What could lighten my load?  Small group? COSM? School?  Family time?  Studying?  Friend time?  All these things are very important to me.  All of these things make up who I am.  So after praying about it, I realized some of the other stuff had to go.  Like the guilt, the feeling of not being "good enough", the negative self talk... all the garbage of life.  That way I will have time for all the great things that God has provided for me.  I realized I need to trust the Lord, trust that He knows exactly what he is doing.

My life hasn't just been all downs... there has been a ton of ups, but I will have to save them for a later blog...

School Drool.

School starts next Monday, and honestly I am not excited about it at all... If you would have asked 3 weeks ago... I would have told you that I was more then ready to go back.  I know I wanted structure and a routine, but I don't know if I am ready for it.  I just have been praying for an easy transition... and not to much homework. :)

What I am looking forward to is coaching basketball again.  I am really looking forward to that.  I honestly thought about not doing it, but I was like why not?  It was a great experience last year, and I love all those girls, why not give it another go.  It works well with my schedule and it will be fun! Espeically because I scheduled my classed all in the morning so they would be out of the way by practice time!  So here's to another season of Red Devil basketball!

I was also thinking that this morning when I got out of bed, I had an extra pep in my step.  No everyone it's not a guy!  It's just the feeling of knowing you are on the right path.  It's the feeling of knowing I am exactly where God wants me.  I think that feeling is hard to come by.  Last week I didn't feel like that.  I had this dark cloud hanging over me.  A cloud that was following me around, a cloud that I was allowing to follow me.  Well its a new week, and today is a new day. 

I leave on Thursday and head for Spokane for the weekend.  I am attending the Women of Faith conference, and boy am I excited!  I am really looking for to spending some much need quality time with Debbie and her amazing family!  I don't know what the conference is all about, but I am open to whatever it is! And honestly I really like Spokane.  I liked living there, what I didn't like what the darn winter... I hate snow!!!  I am really excited that fall is the a few short weeks away.  I can't wait to pull out my boots and sweaters!! YAY to Fall!!

I am hoping to be getting a new car here soon... Yes I want to get rid of my beloved Nelly!  She is such a gas hog, and with driving back and forth to Yakima, I defitnitely need to something that is a little more gas friendly.  But we will see...

Megan and Paul's Big Day (pictures)

Here are a few pictures from this weekends amazing wedding!  I had such a great time.  It was great to get to be a part of something so amazing!  Love you Both!

Here I am... Feeling Beautiful! 



Dance Floor




Me, the Gorgeous Bride Megan, and Carrie




My Favorite Shot of me!!



I caught another bouquet... Yes that makes three this year! Oh Man!!

These are just a few of my favorites from the wedding... if you have me on Facebook I have a whole bunch more there... 

Wedding SUMMER

I have been to 6 wedding this summer... Starting May 21st, and ending 9.10.11!  I would have to say that all the wedding were beautiful and I enoyed them all, but this past weekend being apart of the wedding was something else.  Megan and Paul met through eHarmony about 2 years ago.  I knew instantly that they would get married.  I remember the first time Megan mentioned him to Carrie and I.  She was so giddy.  I knew that this time around it would be different.  Paul is a great guy... He's absolutely perfect for Megan! 

The weekend couldn't have went any better!  I have never felt so happy for anyone as I am for these two.  I went down to Hermiston 2 weekends ago to help Megan with last minute things.  Megan is quiet possibly the most organized bride I have ever met.  She had totes lining the walls with things for the wedding, all organized and neat.  I was very impressed, but I wouldn't expect any thing less from her.  She has always been so organized!  Well we worked the weekend away... (not really)!  But I felt that it was a successful weekend of getting stuff done.

The week flew by and I was headed down to Hermiston on Thursday with my best friend Carrie.  We arrived at Megan and Paul's around 9.  We grilled Paul about the possible handsome men that were going to be at the wedding... Then Paul headed off to work... We talked and had a glass of wine, then headed off to bed.  I just kept thinking Megan is getting married in 2 days... wow... I still can't believe its came and gone!  Anyway, back to the amazing weekend...

We woke up Friday morning and headed to the reception site.  Megan and Paul's reception was going to be at Paul's Mom and Dads house.  Which is gorgeous.  When we arrived around 8, tents were already up, and tables were being set out, along with chairs.  We went inside where the aunts and Paul's mom were hard a work, slicing bread, cutting potatoes, and watermelon.  You could see the love they all had, laughs were coming out of the kitchen... We helped out, and then headed to get the best pedicure of my life, and the best manicure too... Followed by a much needed spray tan!!  Headed back to Paul's parents house... and I locked my keys in the car... Thank Goodness for Paul's brother Thomas... who in 10 minutes flat had my car unlocked! 

We headed back to the amazing Family Suite Megan had gotten us and got ready for the rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner.  So much fun, and laughs were had that night.  We headed to bed after hanging with the Groom and Groomsmen...  It was 11:56 pm, and I wanted to wait until midnight to tell Megan that she was getting married today.  So as soon as the clock struck 12, I announced to the room... That Megan is getting married today... Then it was off to a night of tossing and turning... I was excited Megan was getting married... So was she because she got up at 5 to start getting ready for her big day.

I was wide awake with her... I honestly have never felt so loved.  Megan treated all her bridemaids like royalty.  From getting our pedis and manis done, and then getting our hair done to Megan paying for our dresses, shoes and everything in between.  She has been the best bride ever!  Well we headed to the salon, and got our hair done.  Then back to the hotel where I got my makeup done and helped Megan into her dress.  Oh man she made a beautiful bride.  Our flowers arrived, and boy were they just so pretty.  They were absolutely the prettiest flowers I have ever seen.  

We loaded up and headed to the picture spots, and boy was it sooo hot!!  We took a few pictures then headed to the church... took some more pictures, and waited for the wedding to start. 

The wedding went off with out a hitch and so did the amazingly beautiful reception.  The food was more then amazing, and so was the desserts....  We danced the night away, and I possibly ate way to much.  The alcohol was flowing and everyone was having a great time.

BUT... most of you would think that the party ended there, but they had a Sunday brunch with 100 of there closest friends and family.  It was so much fun too.  The food again was fabulous.  Just getting time to sit with Megan was great and actually get to talk to her.  I got to thank her for letting me be apart of her big day. 

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Reflection.

Reflection-


Today I woke up, drug myself out of bed in hopes of feeling refreshed and anew.  Well honestly that has not happened.  I feel like I am slipping further and further away from the things I once loved and appreciated.  So I decided I really needed to sit down and figure out what the heck is wrong with me.  Figure it out... Reflect on whatever it is... and move forward.  Well as of right now I still haven't figured it out, but there's something I do know... My heart isn't heavy anymore... and I am loving my Savior more and more.  I realized that I haven't been spending enough time in the Word, I haven't been giving Him my all.  He gives me his on a daily basis, and I neglect to except that.  It's an easy fix, find the time, because I have it... to read and study and learn and grow. 


Life goes by faster then you could have ever imagined when you were growing up.  When I was just a little kid I can remember saying I wish I was a big kid... the from big kid to teenager... then from a teenager to an adult.  Well I am an adult, and I wish I was a kid again.  Because being an adult and not having all your dreams come true sucks.  Growing up you have a plan, and right now my "plan" isn't coming true.  I catch myself always thinking about "my plan", and I realize... it's not my plan that matters... It's Gods plan for me that matters, and that I have to trust in that.  That's what I have to rely on.  I say that I trust in God's plan for me... until I wake up and say, "why not me?"... I shouldn't question God's intentions for my life.  But it's easy too... it's easy to wander from the path He has laid before me...  Struggling with this daily isn't fun... and honestly that's what wearing me down.  Thinking about everything He has given the people around me, but hasn't given to me... Then out of nowhere it hits me... He has given me so much... He has given me everything I need... He gave me His life... Amazing... Self pity is an ugly trait to have... it's a nasty thing, and if allowed will swallow you whole...


But if you stay focused on the greatness the Lord has provided life isn't so bad.  Life is exactly how He wants it, and from now on I will rest in that.  The Lord loves me unconditionally... and just knowing that is enough.  I will trust in that.  I sometime sit and remind myself that He chose me... He chose me... Me of all people... What a great feeling


So as I set forth with the rest of my life, I know there will be times where I allow myself to feel bad about my situation... but it will never be anywhere close to the things Jesus went through for me... I have been really selfish lately... and that's another ugly trait.  Something I will continue ask God to rid me of.