As I am sitting in my room thumbing through all my old journals (thank heavens those journals can't talk) I realize there an underlying theme. And hello... you would think that I wouldn't be wrapped up in those same stupid situations.
I started journaling when I was 21... that's five years of great stories. Stories of heartache, fun, and many ups and downs. I have a passion for writing. Writing of the my triumphs in life, and of my set backs. I always say that these journals will be around when I have kids, and they can read my stories. My life. My truth. They will know that these are the truths. The truths that I might not share with my kids.
My life is an open book, and lately has been more open than ever. And like most people do, they instantly jump to the worst case scenario. I am off track, and getting wasted at every opportunity. No one stops to ask, they assume and pass judgement. I just have to laugh because I know where I am at. I know what I am doing. And I am not doing it alone. I have a great support system. I don't think people get it though. I am in a rough spot. A spot that isn't where most people struggle. For the past 2.5 years I have been struggling between the church and my family. Trying to find a balance. Trying to make my church friends happy, and keep my blood family happy. I realized I wasn't doing a good job. I needed to find a balance, and right now... I am just trying to find somewhere in between. And if people see that as something bad, then that's on them. That's a choice that they are making. I love my family. And that will never change. I am searching for a place I belong. I am looking for a church that provides what I need. I need to be surrounded by people in my situation. As crazy as it might seem, thats what I need right now.
Pictures say a thousand words... and maybe I should delete my Facebook because when I post a picture of me at a bar, that doesn't mean I am wasted. It doesn't mean I have even had one drink. Let's take my family reunion weekend. I have a lot of young cousins, cousins that I don't get to see all the time. So we all decided to head to the bar after a day of hanging with our huge family to spend some more time together. To enjoy a few drinks and way more laughs. Instantly after I post a picture of that I get grief for being in a bar. I don't get it. It's ok to drink at home behind close doors, but not to have a drink with my cousins at the bar. It's confusing. I just have to smile because I know what I am doing. And to have people question me makes me wonder. The worry that people are feeling is crazy, and unneeded. I don't need to judgement either. I just need people to understand, that I don't want to live the life I used to live. I don't want to be that person again. I know where my relationship with the Lord is, and the constant questioning from everyone else isn't needed. It only pushes me farther away from you, and makes me search for new friendships.
Here's another thing you'll find in my journal....
I take time to write to the Lord. I ask for forgiveness. I ask for things I need, and let the Lord determine the things He wants to give me. And I write about how precious his love for me is, and how thankful I am. I am not perfect. I sin, just like everyone else. I ask for forgiveness, and I repent for my sins. Sometimes it takes me longer to ask for forgiveness. I am a child of God, and I don't always do what I am called to do. I need to make adjustments in my life, and I write about those too. No one knows my struggle unless they ask, but they don't ask... I feel like they judge. And maybe I feel the judgement because I am wrapped up in sin, or maybe not. That's something worth writing about. :)
Edit:
So when reading back this blog... I realized that people might think my current church is a very judgmental place... When in fact it's full of people who love and care about me. A place where I have learned alot, and have been mentored by amazing women. It's a phenomenal church. I just feel I need to find a church that has single women my age that understand my struggles, and my needs... And I think I will be able to find this else where. I hold all the people in my church in my heart, and have nothing but love for each and everyone of them. I have learned a lot and have grown into who
I am today because of them. I think that I will be able to be an example to my current town. An inspiration to people who used to know the old Kendra... And I want everyone to know that I felt judged by one person... And when writing it came out like everyone was judging me... And that's not the case. I know I am loved, and I know that the people that really know me, know where my relationship is with the Lord, and they know that I don't want to be the Kendra I once was...