Learning and Growing

For record I am a girl that forgives, but almost never forgets. I am a girl that has her faults, and most of the time owns up to them... And occasionally I step out of line and say something that I immediately wish I could take back. I am growing and changing everyday, and its hard to leave these shields behind me. I have been working hard on becoming someone that I can be proud of. My whole life has changed and I need to be able to feel comfortable to change with it. I shouldn't be one person around someone and then another around someone else. Its not that I don't love who I have become... its just that I didn't hate the person I once was... Yes there was things about me then, that I wish I could forget and I gladly leave them behind... I guess its just a struggle that I am going to have to go through. And one I will gladly take on.

Shifting gears...

Have I mentioned lately how amazing God is? He continues to show me amazing things each and everyday. He is so giving and so caring... I am sitting at work... and I just got done doing a little bible study homework... And everytime I spend time in the Word I learn something new... and that to me is amazing...

What I was looking for...

(This post was written over about a weeks time)


For a while now I have felt like I needed someone to talk to. Someone who didn't know me well... someone who wouldn't judge. I needed a good Christian women who could help me grow in my love for Christ. I needed someone who knows more then I do. Someone who had loved Jesus for along time. Someone that I could rely on. A mentor of sorts. Someone I could look up to... Well with little searching, I found someone who is exactly that. Tyffany has shown me and taught me things I never thought I needed to learn.



I went over to her house the first day, not thinking that this would be an every week thing, not thinking that she would have a plan. Just to talk. Get some of my feelings out. Well I now look forward to hanging out with her and her amazing family. From our reading and discussing of James. To coloring and playing with the kids. To talking about love and selfworth. To running outside playing Star Wars... Everything about this experience has been so unexpected. I have someone that holds me accoutable, and someone who challenges me to do things I normally wouldn't do. She has given me the push that I have needed.



I set out a while ago on a qwest to further my relationship with the Lord, and there are days where I want to give up and revert back to how I used to be. It was easy... doing exactly what I wanted, when I wanted... but really who wants that type of life. Who really wants to be unhappy? Not me. My life has turned into something I could have never imagined... something so special. And I wouldn't be where I am if it wasn't for the Lord. I believe He is in control of everything.


Sitting outside of Starbucks yesterday having my weekly get together with Tyffany. I realized that God has put me exactly where he wants me. He is using me in some many unlikely ways. So many things to be thankful. He has put a lot on my heart lately. Struggles with boys (yes boys not men)... the best thing is I have really come to realize that God has that perfect Man out there for me... and waiting for him is something that I have become ok with because I know that he will come when God wants him to. The Lord is perparing both of us so that when its time we will be ready! And thats such a great feeling... We talked of family life and studied James Chapter 4, and we both came the realization that we have been meeting for 5 weeks already. 5 weeks have went by so quickly... James 4 talks about not judging people and I found this verse to stick out the most...


"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, one who can save and destroy. But you- who are you to judge your neighbor?" James 4:12 (NIV)


Isn't that so powerful... I do it all the time, but as of late the Lord has really put in on my heart to do a better job at not judging... And I can tell that I have been... I used to think an evil thought and not think twice about it... but now I have a "whoa" moment... a moment where I am like who am I to sit in judgement of that person.. I don't know their story... Would I want someone to pass judgement on me? No...

We have also been studying Ephesians 5... And the first two verse are almost overwhelming...

"Be imitator of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2 (NIV)

Be an imitator of God. Really? Sounds pretty tough, and I think thats the point. If God was like everyone else could you imagine what the world would be like? I am thankful I have someone to look up to. Someone so special that no other man is like... someone that I can try and be like. I have to say that I really am trying to be an imitator of God... and do I mess up, oh yes I do, but do I ask for forgiveness and try again... Yes... I think when you stop trying is when you are going to run into a lot of problems. Try with your whole heart. Give with your whole heart.


I am continuing to seek God with all my heart. Its a never ending journey, but one worth continuing...

Until Their Gone.

You never realize how much someone really means to you until their gone. And it doesn't hit you at first. It might take weeks, months even. I sit here now with a pain in my heart. I miss my Papa. I miss him so badly. I just wish for one second he was here so I can tell him of the new crazy adventure I have planned for my life. Or just to hear him say "I'm just resting my eyes." I miss him chiming in at the right time. I miss his chuckle. I miss the way he looked at my Grandma. I miss a lot about him. Everything.

I haven't been to his grave since his burial. I just can't muster up the courage to go. I tell myself I will. I know he's gone. He's better off where he is. He's not in pain anymore. He's not hurting, but I am. I have been walking around like nothing is wrong. I have been telling myself its better this way. Be strong. Mom needs you. I have been telling myself don't cry in front of Mom, she needs you to be tough. Be the tough girl she raised you to be. My heart hurts. I find comfort in Christ. I know He will provide whatever I need. I just have to be strong enough to ask.

I have a hard time going to my Grandma's... sitting in my Papa's chair. I can see the hurt behind her eyes. I think with time it will get easier for me atleast. I worry about my Grams. It's been a tough 3 1/2 months. Its only been 3 1/2 months. Today was the first day I let myself cry since the day after his funeral. Todays was the first day I let myself really fall apart. I think that's what I needed. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow it will be easier. I trust in my Lord Jesus Christ. My hope is in Him. He will work everything out. He will shield my family from the hurt. He wrapped his arms around us and will continue doing so. I have faith. My faith is strong. My faith is growing and each day that pass I long to do good for Him.

I know my Grandpa is looking down on me with a big Papa grin. That makes me smile! I miss you Papa! I miss you alot! I know Grandma misses you dearly, we all do, and I am going to do a better job at taking care of her because I promised you I would.

Rambling

According to my best friend... days shouldn't be wasted laying on the couch just because I miss her. And you know what... she's right... I shouldn't have wasted today laying around... I should have been up and doing! Well things happen right... Things to make you go hmmm...

I am supposed to be cleaning and rearranging and moving everything in my room... but.. One I think there's a mouse living in my bedroom and thats one of the major reason I haven't moved everything back in there... Two, I really am kind of sad to be living back at home. Definitely going to miss Debbers... Three, it makes everything at little more real. A little more like my life is going in a totally different direction... and am I ready... I surely hope so. There's one major difference though... I have God on my side... Never had that before. And I know he's going to make sure everything falls into place. Yeah there will be bumps along the way... Struggles and hardships, but those are what make me stronger.

On a random note... I am now a blonde. Not literally... well I did fall down 3 stairs and sprain both of my ankles but that was long before I bleached my hair... haha... I love blonde hair! Even though I know that I look better with brown hair. Blondes have more fun right? Not true! My life has been boring, but who's fault is that... MINE!

I went yesterday and tried my bridemaid's dress on for my cousin Amanda's wedding and boy is it a pretty dress, and I am super excited about her wedding! I can't wait, and honestly I can't believe it the wedding is only a month away... Great things are in store for Manda and Valentin!! YAY!!

Its a Battle.

On a day to day basis I struggle with my relationship with God. Everyday I think I might finally have gotten it. I think I am on the right path. I said yesterday being a Christian is hard. It was easier being the way I used to be. It was easier to not have to care. Easier to just do whatever and have no worries. But do I want to live the life I was living... NO... Do I want to be the person I used to be?... NO! I want to be what God has intended me to be. I try hard everyday to do the best I can to Glorify Him. Thats my purpose.

I was driving yesterday and the road led me to Borders. Had I planned on going there no. And as I was walking through the parking lot I was thinking... What am I doing here... And then I was like I guess I just need a good book to read... Well I walked it browsed around and went over to the bibles... I spent the next 45 minutes looking at the bibles. Reading the different versions... Texting a friend asking her what version she has... I really think that God wanted me to spend more time in His Word. Something that I struggle with. So I bought a new bible... and I spent a lot of last night reading... and reading... I even decided that I needed to get a new study bible. I need to make more of an effort. I need to do better, and be better. My life needs to be lived for God. I have to strive to be all I can be for Him.

This is where my constant struggle comes in... Trying to be better for Him. I have always lived for myself. And now with all my heart and my soul, I want to live for Jesus Christ. I am proud to say that I am a Christian. I am proud to say I believe in God. He's my first thought when I am about to do something I know He wouldn't approve of. When I am about to step back into the person I used to be. I will continue to work things out because He's on my side. I will continue to be the best I can be. I love the person I have become and its all because of the Lord. I owe my life to Him. My faith never waivers because I know God to be true. I know as long as I believe I will one day end up home. I am really happy. I am happy because of everything God has provided me. I just need to do better. I need to spend more time in His word.

Hopeful.

I have been running around lately. Going from here and there and then back again. My life is about to change in a major way, and I am ready for it? I don't know. Is it really what I want? I really do think so. For the first time in my life and I am trusting in someone else. Someone with so much power. Someone who would never lead me in the worng direction. God. I say it to myself everyday. "Lead me." And I tell myself everyday that God has my life planned out. My life isn't in my hands. I am the happiest I have ever been and I am my life isn't perfect. There's things that I want that I don't have. And I just have to trust that the Lord will provide. I know He will... I still occasionally have the I want something and I want it now... and I try to make whatever it is happen, and then reality snaps me back into place... My timing isn't perfect, but God's is. And I have to remind myself about that everyday. That's something that I am still getting used to. I really think thats what's been the toughest. And I am working on it.

Papa

Sometimes in life things happen unexpectantly... things you never could have imagined... Other times you have time to prepare yourself for what's about to come. And sometimes you even get to say goodbye. Yesterday I got the chance to say goodbye to my Papa. I got to tell him how much I love him, and how much he means to me... I got the call at 12:05am... it was my Mom and I knew what she was about to say. At first the words she was saying weren't sinking in... And as I hung up the phone everything became more real. My Grandpa is gone, but I will carry the memories we made together forever. He was a strong man, with a huge heart. I already miss him... And nothing will be the same without him... My Papa was a quiet man never saying to much, but always saying enough. I never doubted for a second how much my Papa loved me. Never doubted how much his family meant to him... My heart hurts for my Grams. My Grandparents were married for 62 years. My heart hurts for my Mom. For my Aunts. For my Uncle. For me. For my cousins. I was lucky I got to say goodbye. I will forever be grateful for that final moment. I have been very lucky. Lucky to have had such a great role model. To have so many great memories with such a great man... I will miss you Papa...